#2: WAH separated from us & I'm on the DBing path

[flowmom]

rr thank you so much for sharing your process. It really helps me to understand the role that self-examination can play in the current and future stage of things. It sounds like overall it has been positive for you to express your remorse over your contribution to the problems.

Cyrena, thanks for visiting my thread.

As Kalni said, the LBS tend to go through a stage where they do recognize all their faults in the marriage, and want to confess them to their spouse. It feels as though it would be a kind of emotional housecleaning. I remember doing it myself, to some degree, and just want to caution that you'll probably get little or no reaction, and certainly no positive feedback.

Yes, "emotional housecleaning" is an excellent way to describe what I want to do. And I wouldn't be expecting a positive reaction in H...I see it more as planting a seed that introduces a grain of doubt when he wants to say to himself "she doesn't understand me, she never even heard me, she thinks she's right and I'm wrong", etc.

I'd suggest, instead, writing a long letter to yourself that you then keep (so that you can refer back to how you felt in this moment of clarity), and then work on changing all of these controlling behaviours.

As we say about the WAS, "actions speak louder than words." Similarly, your H is going to notice and react to changes in your behaviour, when you start treating him as a friend would instead of a mother, and that can only be positive whether you reunite or co-parent. As you act differently, it will affect your relationships with others as well, which will make you feel positive about yourself.

Yes, the how to improve your R... book talks about how men look for actions, not words. And that's especially true for H who is super action-oriented. Communicating in actions rather than words would be a 180 for me, so perhaps I should concentrate on action rather than words.