Oh yeah, and just when I start to think you are getting really pr*ckish- you redeem yourself- ha!
I think I am quick to judge. I mean you are on here, right?
M38, H37 S3, S7 Together 15 yrs Married 8 yrs Bomb July 2008 Inhouse separation "I hate you" "We are over" (too many times to count) Reconciled Sept 2009 (still worth it)
OK, been thinking, it's her intelligence specifically that upsets you? Right? Is there anything, I mean anything that you can bond on???
I mean crazy things like watching the same tv show, watching animal planet or fiction books (an aside- I really got into Muslim women biographies for a while, former librarian here)
Something as kooky as crafting scrap books of the children's memories, cooking fun creative meals together, bowling league, making an awesome gardenm giving each other nice massages, going to Karate together....
Something, anything to bond on.
How is your religious beliefs different. I am Protestant and hubby is Catholic- not a biggie for us but I know for so it can be....
I just hate for you to throw it all away b4 giving it one last try...
Also, you had mentioned earlier- she had stated things can not continue the way they are- What things?
Last edited by june72; 02/09/1007:23 PM.
M38, H37 S3, S7 Together 15 yrs Married 8 yrs Bomb July 2008 Inhouse separation "I hate you" "We are over" (too many times to count) Reconciled Sept 2009 (still worth it)
Wow- that was a weird eclectic collection I posted above-lol
M38, H37 S3, S7 Together 15 yrs Married 8 yrs Bomb July 2008 Inhouse separation "I hate you" "We are over" (too many times to count) Reconciled Sept 2009 (still worth it)
Also, you had mentioned earlier- she had stated things can not continue the way they are- What things?
The list is a good place to start looking - thanks~
She doesn't know exactly. One of the many reasons I thought IC was essential. She says, 'respect', but I'm not disrespectful to her, so it is hard to identify what she doesn't want.
OTM, I've seen you post around "town" but I'm just catching up on your sitch. I'm going to swing some big Ol 2X4 's for what its worth. Its out of love.. I swear...
Get ready.. here it comes.. nothing personal… I do this because I care about you…….
Get off your F-ing high horse. You are not better than your wife and despite you swearing to everyone here that you don't believe that - you clearly do. You are making me a little sick.... June says you redeem yourself.. I don’t agree… sorry
YOU are FULL of excuses as to why your marriage CAN’T work. Do you want it to - or are you just looking for justification as to why you are RIGHT? See post above.
About your ADHD - are you medicated/ seeking treatment or help? LET IT GO. Stop using it as your crutch to pretend you don't think you are better than your wife - I don't buy it. MANY famous people have managed just fine with ADHD and HERE'S THE SHOCKER - it’s not what is wrong with you! Examples... Ansel Adams, Alexander Graham Bell, Beethoven, Andrew Carnegie, Terry Bradshaw, George Burns, Hans Christian Anderson, Jim Carry, Winston Churchill, Jim Carrey... Get my point. Get the help that's out there and let it go - there are millions of people who function perfectly fine and don't feel the need to leave their marriages. Worse yet – stop pointing it out as the reason you’re not Pious.
Normally I'm swinging the "Make this about YOU" 2X4, but time to change it up. STOP MAKING THIS ABOUT YOU, YOU SELFISH WHINY BABY. (Remember... out of love Everything you post is about what SHE needs to do for YOU to make YOU want to stay married to her. WHY WOULD SHE want to be married to YOU? Every list you have put on here is about what SHE'S not doing for YOU?? You are not a catch at this point. Based on what you have said here - you want her to make all the changes necessary to make you happy and attracted to her - WTF????
Lets look at two specifics:
She doesn’t take care of herself and you are not attracted to her…. She sounds healthy and fine to me – does she have warts or something??? You have 5 kids – she was attractive at some point. What about her was attractive when you married her? Which of those things has changed?? What do you think would make a woman attractive to you? Name it – instead of what isn’t tell us (and hopefully yourself) what the hell you are actually looking for. I doubt anyone could live up to your fantasy standards right now. I’m going out on a limb here – you clearly think you deserve better. What specifically doesn’t she do to “take care of herself”?
You think she is dumber than you… Let me start by saying that I doubt she is dumb and I’m not calling her that here. But for the sake of your craziness…. DID she get dumber since you met her? Has she lost intelligence? Or is just that you were able to continue to nurture that side of you while she was home raising your children and had to be occupied there. Perhaps you have grown apart in that sense, but you holding it over as a reason to D when its probably because she was clearly busting her ass for you is BS. What are you doing to pull your weight so she can be enriched in some way?? Should she have been studying up on modern philosophy while taking care of you home so you could continue to be intellectually stimulated??
Let me just continue a thread of that thought. What do you do to help your wife? Tell us the things in life that make you a good father, actions. What do you DO to be that person for her? How are you a PARTNER? How do you hold her up and show her you appreciate her? How would your children describe how you feel about your wife based on your ACTIONS?? If you have trouble making this list then – THIS WOULD BE THE PLACE TO START MAKING CHANGES…..
So here is my take on this.. STOP BEING HER FATHER, strap on your balls and be her husband. She’s dependent on you because you want her to be and you have created as life around you. She can’t be anything else when you have demanded that she be everything to you. Happiness comes from within ourselves – you can’t live for another person. You want her to do all the right things to make you happy – problem is SHE will never do the right things. They have to come from you. Even coming here.. you are here – based on what I see – so you can figure out how to get HER to see you are a WAH so she will make the changes necessary for a LBS to make (for themselves) because you seem to feel that IF SHE does that THEN YOU will be happy. Stop doing FOR her and start doing WITH her.
I have a feeling that if you really did walk away your wife might be relieved….I’m not suggesting you give up on your marriage or walk away. You have 5 VERY GOOD reasons to stick this out. HOWEVER you need to really look at yourself. Based on your posts either you are posting very one sided or you are one of the most self centered people I’ve come into contact with.
Sit down and ask yourself these things and the questions I posed above… then post the answers for us:
Why did I marry Mrs. OTM? What did we have in common when we met? What about her attracted me back then? What have I don’t to show Mrs. OTM that I value her as a wife and the mother of my kids? What did I do to contribute to the breakdown of our marriage? What do I think I do the create the “as they are” problem – where do I see opportunities to improve. (Vs wanting Mrs. OTM to tell you what she means by this, you see what YOU think this means and fix THAT)
Sorry this is so harsh – I’m told that where I’m my best – getting people to think hard about things.
REMEMBER.. WE ARE HERE TO HELP.. and everything we do is to that end. These are my HONEST observations based on your posts. If I’m missing information .. my apologies.
You can fix your M – but you CAN’T do it by “FIXING” your wife…
(((OTM)))
T
PS - This is extremely sided toward your wife for a reason. I understand she's not innocent in all this - but I need you to look seriously at yourself here. I'm not overlooking that unintentionally - there's a point to leaving her responsibility out of this post.
Last edited by talia; 02/09/1008:55 PM.
ME28,WAH30, M 5YRS, T 7YRS ,OW/ILYBNILY/SEP 9/09 Served with D papers 6/6/10 Current
Originally Posted By: june72 YOu don't respect her b/c you are behaving arrogantly.
How? Does everyone like liver? Just because it is good, doesn't make it agreeable.
If I wanted to be arrogant, wouldn't I be saying that she's too stupid for someone like me? I have ADHD, I'm not a perfect prize, although I do like myself. That's self-esteem, not pride.
I want to respect her, I want to feel proud to be married to her. I want to love her for who she is. But, I don't - at least not yet. This isn't a switch called respect I can just pull. Respect comes from the soul, not the mind.
I think that would help me find things to love in her and make connecting, listeing, and helping that much easier. I can love her in a Godly way, but that doesn't mean I love her in a spousal way. If she was a close religious match, I could definately find much more in her to respect, but she isn't.
Quote:
She says, 'respect', but I'm not disrespectful to her, so it is hard to identify what she doesn't want.
M22,H45,W45 S21/18D12 Retain faith that you will prevail in the end, regardless of the difficulties and at the same time confront the most brutal facts of your current reality, whatever they might be.
I quite simply do not understand how you can be married to a person AND have five children over 10 years, and then say all the things you have said about your wife.
She's too short.....REALLY??? This is honestly a problem of yours?? Was she too short for you when you were making five children together?
Ridiculous....
She's not smart enough for you....REALLY???? She was smart enough to spend enough time with to eventually marry and have five children with, but not now?
Ridiculous...
She's not religious enough for you anymore....WHAT???? Are you some kind of ultra-bizarre fundamentalist who requires a subservient wife who kow-tows to your every wish?
Ridiculous...
I see that you've been pretty active on the board. That's good in one sense because it always helps us get outside of our situation and feels good to try to help others.
But let me suggest to you that you've got some serious...I REPEAT, SERIOUS....soul-searching to do OF YOUR OWN.
Sounds like your wife may have some issues of her own, don't get me wrong. And maybe this marriage of yours that produced five children is not going to make it, who knows?
But I find it terrible that you've tried to chronicle her shortcomings (rather poorly I might add), meanwhile we've heard very little about you. I've never even read anything from you regarding your role in your children's lives. For most men on this board at least, our children are the one good thing still going on in our lives - to the point that we usually talk a lot about them.
I think maybe you need to stop thinking SHE has the problem and start looking at your contributions. Maybe if you made yourself more attractive, the marraige issues would improve some.
I'll leave you with a religious quote, since you seem to be hung up on things religious...
"Why do you look at the speck of sawdust in your brother's eye and pay no attention to the plank in your own eye?"
Blessings,
Bill
"Don't tell me the sky is the limit when there are footprints on the moon."
I said the redeeming part b/c I did not want to scare him off.
Thought too much criticism would scare him off and I want him to stay on the message board. I really, really do.
I am glad he is trying but he has got to, I mean got to realize the behavior and attitude we are clearly seeing here.
OTMT
Go ask her today- ask her to gently tell her why she finds you disrespectful. Perhaps at this point she is afraid to say anything since you have threatened D now twice.
Her purpose in life is to not make you happy. To fit in your mold....
I really hope there is a break though at Retroville.
I am practically begging you to bring these posts to Retroville--- PLEASE!!!!!!
M38, H37 S3, S7 Together 15 yrs Married 8 yrs Bomb July 2008 Inhouse separation "I hate you" "We are over" (too many times to count) Reconciled Sept 2009 (still worth it)
OTMT, I hope that you really truly can hear what talia and Bworl are saying. There is a lot of caring in their words because they are telling you things that most men in your sitch never get to hear because a lot of times no one calls them on their stuff and they can't hear what their Ws are saying.
Caring for 5 children? I have a lot of respect for your W because I know how strong she must be to do that, even imperfectly. Yes, many women who are in the trenches of mothering have trouble making self-care a priority -- I'm in that situation and I only have 2 children. What are you doing to support her self care? Criticizing her lack of self care? That is not support.
You made a huge commitment when you married your W, and then you made another huge commitment each time you fathered another child.
Someone said there is only fear and love. Love is a choice. One that you can make every day. I've been in pain in my M for the past 5 years. And I've actively worked on loving my H and choosing to remember the reasons why I chose him. I've worked on supporting him and showing my care in verbal and practical ways. I've made myself vulnerable by initiating sex when I didn't know if it would be welcome. I've owned my shortcomings and not expected him to be perfect.
You are not trapped in a M with a substandard woman. That is a cognitive distortion on your part. You are a trapped in a life with yourself, and you are the one who needs to shift here.
me: 42 | STBXH: 41 | T: 18 | M: 10 | separation: Jan 3, 2010 | they deserve better: S7 & D4 current thread: http://tinyurl.com/3y8sxcp .: first breathe, then heal, then start LIVING :.
Everything you post is about what SHE needs to do for YOU to make YOU want to stay married to her. WHY WOULD SHE want to be married to YOU? Every list you have put on here is about what SHE'S not doing for YOU?? You are not a catch at this point. Based on what you have said here - you want her to make all the changes necessary to make you happy and attracted to her - WTF????