#2: WAH separated from us & I'm on the DBing path

[flowmom]

Journaling about session #2 with Mr. Expensive new IC:

I feel good about the session. The support really gives me a boost right now. IC provides a qualitatively different kind of support than friends or this forum, and all three are valuable to me right now.

First we talked about my desire to take responsibility for my past behaviours and contributions to the problem. IC felt that there was a lot of blame going my way between H's blame and my own thoughts. He said that he felt that if I was in MC with H, I would be able to take responsibility for my side of things and take action to address those issues.

He asked me why my H married me, which was a tricky way to get me to tell him all the great things about me that H was in love with. I said that H loved my strength, my love of adventure and nature, he saw me as the mother of his children, he loved my loving, nurturing side, how I lived my values, my loyalty and determination, my evolving interests, and my thirst for knowledge. He asked me for some examples of how our love and connection was embodied. I talked about our canoeing honeymoon in the remote north where we were so happy together and H said that I brought new levels of appreciation and enjoyment to the experience. He asked me to think about and write about those stories of how I was loving in the M, and the connection that H and I shared. He asked me to choose to look at the stories of all the positive qualities that I brought to the M, rather than all the negative qualities.

He asked me to truly commit to self care as my most important endeavour. He asked if I could do something like go running 30 times in the next 60 days, or something that would create a real focus on me and my health, and contribute to a positive feeling of accomplishment on my part. I expressed doubt as to whether I could follow through on something like that.

He said that he was concerned about my depression history and he feels that I need to take a really active role in not falling into a pit. He warned me again about not letting my thoughts undermine me. He encouraged me to avoid isolation, to be around other people, and not let the separation story stand for everything that I am...to compartmentalize talking about the negative, and not let that take over.

He asked me how I could get back to the person that I was when H and I were happy together. I said that I didn't think I could go backward, only forward, but that I could pick up some threads from the past, like 1. my love of outdoor adventure 2. an expanded social network 3. my career and 4. a connection with men as friends and allies.

My MC encouraged me to continue sticking to my code of conduct around H: being someone who he would want to come back to.

When we talked about the dating issue, the IC felt that H was hitting below the belt in the way that he brought up the possibility of dating. The IC is going away for a couple of weeks, but in the next session he would like to see me with H or see H by himself to talk about the terms of the "trial" separation. The IC seems to feel very strongly that he could get through to H if he only had the chance. He seems to feel that our marriage has a strong foundation with a lot of positives, but that H has gotten stuck in hopelessness about the problems. The IC has a strong MC practice and has the MWD seal of approval, so his credentials are good.

What do you think about me sending this email to H?

My counsellor has requested to see you for a session, preferably with me, but individually if you prefer. He would like your participation in discussing the terms of the separation. I have an appointment booked on XXX date that we could go to together (during childcare time) or by yourself if you prefer. Here's his website: XXX

Are you willing to do this?

I would send this only a week before the booked appt.