Are regrets when you end a separation normal?

[talia]

OTM,
I've seen you post around "town" but I'm just catching up on your sitch. I'm going to swing some big Ol 2X4 's for what its worth. Its out of love.. I swear...


Get ready.. here it comes.. nothing personal… I do this because I care about you…….

Get off your F-ing high horse. You are not better than your wife and despite you swearing to everyone here that you don't believe that - you clearly do. You are making me a little sick.... June says you redeem yourself.. I don’t agree… sorry

YOU are FULL of excuses as to why your marriage CAN’T work. Do you want it to - or are you just looking for justification as to why you are RIGHT? See post above.

About your ADHD - are you medicated/ seeking treatment or help?
LET IT GO. Stop using it as your crutch to pretend you don't think you are better than your wife - I don't buy it. MANY famous people have managed just fine with ADHD and HERE'S THE SHOCKER - it’s not what is wrong with you! Examples... Ansel Adams, Alexander Graham Bell, Beethoven, Andrew Carnegie, Terry Bradshaw, George Burns, Hans Christian Anderson, Jim Carry, Winston Churchill, Jim Carrey... Get my point. Get the help that's out there and let it go - there are millions of people who function perfectly fine and don't feel the need to leave their marriages. Worse yet – stop pointing it out as the reason you’re not Pious.

Normally I'm swinging the "Make this about YOU" 2X4, but time to change it up. STOP MAKING THIS ABOUT YOU, YOU SELFISH WHINY BABY. (Remember... out of love Everything you post is about what SHE needs to do for YOU to make YOU want to stay married to her. WHY WOULD SHE want to be married to YOU? Every list you have put on here is about what SHE'S not doing for YOU?? You are not a catch at this point. Based on what you have said here - you want her to make all the changes necessary to make you happy and attracted to her - WTF????

Lets look at two specifics:

She doesn’t take care of herself and you are not attracted to her….
She sounds healthy and fine to me – does she have warts or something??? You have 5 kids – she was attractive at some point. What about her was attractive when you married her? Which of those things has changed?? What do you think would make a woman attractive to you? Name it – instead of what isn’t tell us (and hopefully yourself) what the hell you are actually looking for. I doubt anyone could live up to your fantasy standards right now. I’m going out on a limb here – you clearly think you deserve better. What specifically doesn’t she do to “take care of herself”?

You think she is dumber than you…
Let me start by saying that I doubt she is dumb and I’m not calling her that here. But for the sake of your craziness…. DID she get dumber since you met her? Has she lost intelligence? Or is just that you were able to continue to nurture that side of you while she was home raising your children and had to be occupied there. Perhaps you have grown apart in that sense, but you holding it over as a reason to D when its probably because she was clearly busting her ass for you is BS. What are you doing to pull your weight so she can be enriched in some way?? Should she have been studying up on modern philosophy while taking care of you home so you could continue to be intellectually stimulated??


Let me just continue a thread of that thought. What do you do to help your wife? Tell us the things in life that make you a good father, actions. What do you DO to be that person for her? How are you a PARTNER? How do you hold her up and show her you appreciate her? How would your children describe how you feel about your wife based on your ACTIONS?? If you have trouble making this list then – THIS WOULD BE THE PLACE TO START MAKING CHANGES…..

So here is my take on this.. STOP BEING HER FATHER, strap on your balls and be her husband. She’s dependent on you because you want her to be and you have created as life around you. She can’t be anything else when you have demanded that she be everything to you. Happiness comes from within ourselves – you can’t live for another person. You want her to do all the right things to make you happy – problem is SHE will never do the right things. They have to come from you. Even coming here.. you are here – based on what I see – so you can figure out how to get HER to see you are a WAH so she will make the changes necessary for a LBS to make (for themselves) because you seem to feel that IF SHE does that THEN YOU will be happy. Stop doing FOR her and start doing WITH her.

I have a feeling that if you really did walk away your wife might be relieved….I’m not suggesting you give up on your marriage or walk away. You have 5 VERY GOOD reasons to stick this out. HOWEVER you need to really look at yourself. Based on your posts either you are posting very one sided or you are one of the most self centered people I’ve come into contact with.


Sit down and ask yourself these things and the questions I posed above… then post the answers for us:

Why did I marry Mrs. OTM?
What did we have in common when we met?
What about her attracted me back then?
What have I don’t to show Mrs. OTM that I value her as a wife and the mother of my kids?
What did I do to contribute to the breakdown of our marriage?
What do I think I do the create the “as they are” problem – where do I see opportunities to improve. (Vs wanting Mrs. OTM to tell you what she means by this, you see what YOU think this means and fix THAT)

Sorry this is so harsh – I’m told that where I’m my best – getting people to think hard about things.

REMEMBER.. WE ARE HERE TO HELP.. and everything we do is to that end. These are my HONEST observations based on your posts. If I’m missing information .. my apologies.

You can fix your M – but you CAN’T do it by “FIXING” your wife…

(((OTM)))


T


PS - This is extremely sided toward your wife for a reason. I understand she's not innocent in all this - but I need you to look seriously at yourself here. I'm not overlooking that unintentionally - there's a point to leaving her responsibility out of this post.