AGreed, ladies. What would I do without your reminders?
The tough part (the crucible?) is what if it is about me - or he tries to make it about me? This is when I need to hear what I want to change in me, and let the rest go. Worrying about how angry he is at me all the time (well less so now, anyhow walking on eggshells) is for me to work on. How he feels about me, or what he blames me for is not about me per se. If I can hear what I've done that bothers him, I can wither change, or stand up for myself in not changing. But the venting moods are his issue and I am working really hard today to not let it bring me down (as many of us are talking about on here lately).
I do have a newly won intuition that he does love me. You wouldn't know it from his actions sometimes, but if he hasn't divorced me yet and if he is in MC and if he still wears his wedding ring - and hey he said a pleasant good night to me last night! It is quite possible he still loves me and I"m holding onto that right now. I'm also holding on to if he doesn't love me that is ok - I will let him go. I will continue to work on not hating myself so much.
I guess I'm feeling better now that he turned his mood around last night. Still feels like walking on eggshells, but I'm working on not going so up and down with him.
I'm going to rehearsals this week for a new skit to be performed day after valentine's day (this is my way to distract self from all the VD expectations). Big deal as theatre is one thing I gave up b/c H felt I was living life too irresponsibly and around too many men and parties, etc. At first, I refused to give up this part of my life just b/c H said to - I wouldn't be ordered too. Then in Aug. I decided to have an introspective time of therapy and I joined this group and I wanted to just be home with S since daddy left.
Now I'm trying out my legs a little again - feeling nervous. Worried H will be suspicious and upset - again, not my issue to fix. But also wanting to keep my priorities on my self and my son. Wish me luck.
