Every newbie should read this

[Ready2Change]

Taken From Mike in Jax Thread

After 4 days days and 8 posts, Mike clearly "Gets it":

Thanks for your help - my running dialog detailing the ebb and flow of my emotional state provided a fair amount of input and a lot of direction for my new life. What I took from it is:

In order for me to become strong in any relationship, I need to distance myself from her as I am presently dependent upon her for a large portion of my happiness. I am clinging and want to talk to her - be with her - constantly. Its not to the point where I am a puppy dog but its bad enough where even I see I may be speaking of changes or how easy it will be to affect a new life, but in the end, its the same weak me which turned her off in the first place.

She wants what any healthy woman wants - a strong man who is caring and able to set a trail. One who manages a healthy balance in life. One who is flexible enough to live outside a comfort zone while at the same time nurturing enough to proactively understand and address her needs.

She has been able to detach. I have not.

In detaching, you give yourself a fighting chance to define who you are. The process sheds any habit or routine of co-dependency. It forces you to define a person who you enjoy being around. Once detached, you rely on yourself, for yourself. Want to feel pity? Sure, you can, but each day you wallow in the pity parade represents another day in which you lose an understanding of who you are - unless, of course, you are a person who enjoys being catharctic, negative, and lifeless.

At this point, the person that I am is not attractive to her.

Pursuing her at this point reminds her of the guy she grew out of love with. While the issues seem "fixable" to me, they are of larger magnitude and proportions to her . She is looking for a lifechange - one which opens the doors to the possibilities and joys that any relationship can bring to those lucky enough to have a burning fire for life. You have seen it - a person who has the fire for life can walk into a room and put smiles on people's faces, the one who listens to every word you say and committs it to memory, the one who silently leads making sure everyone is getting their needs addressed.

By living in the house, it further reinforces the "fixable" nature of our problems.

Yesterday was Day 1 of me back to work - I work from home. It was an odd feeling knowing the living arrangement has not changed but the mental status has. She is a loving person and is able to paint a smile on and keep her emotions and feelings internalized. You would never know what she is thinking. Her sheer presence exudes a caring nature - one which says, I love you. That further reinforces to me that things are fine, they are fixable - we just need to do something we haven't done in a while and that's work together to fix us. Its the same fraudulent relationship we had in the past - now with the understanding that we no longer care for each other in the same way.

But that's not what this is about. Its about a re-birth of self.

What I want to do - is tell her, if she no longer wants to actively work on a relationship with me, then she needs to move out immediately as I refuse to live as husband and wife but not work this through together. Today, we are continuing the fraud after the "breakup" as we were before the breakup. The only thing that has changed is our understanding that we are now just friends.

What I need to do - be man enough to understand that my child's feelings are most important in this arrangement and while he needs a stable home life, I need to move on with every ounce of my being to forge a new person - reach for my greatness, for me, of me, by me. That means being cordial, saying things in fewer words, working with her to move through the day but relying on her for nothing and pursuing her not one bit. You want this, great, enjoy your time on the island.

But therin lies the problem - how do I cross the divide between want and need?

Good therapy there as the "want" puts my needs first - a problem central my lack of inter-relationship success while the "need" is the solution I need to grasp as an individual to be a strong, healthy, nurturing individual on this earth.

Our son is in 3rd grade and has a state regulated test to take at the end of March. If he passes, he goes to 4th grade - if not, he repeats 3rd. He had complications at birth which delayed his development. At age 9, he is evolving himself into becoming involved in the academic process but he is a bit behind in mastering some of the fundamentals of writing, and math. He does not need any distractions leading up to the test.

Let's call it as it really is:

She kicked me to the curb and is only in this house right now for the mental stability and general productivity of our son.

If a job fired me, would I go back into the managers office to share all the good things I did and re-committ to being a better employee?

No.

I need to move in a directon that does not put her as the focal point of my life - I am.

I need to break the dependency and define who I am as a man.

If she needs other influence to stimulate her growth as a woman, then I should not be forced to respect that woman.

Mental separation comes along with financial responsibility. We are effectively roomates and as such, you will need to pay your way. Our bank accounts should no longer be linked - your money is yours and my money is mine. She should find employment once our son has taken his test while working until then to practice with him as I am now doing with him.

I have created my manifesto based on the lessons learned and provided as responses and will be using them to develop a new sense of self.

I plan on talking to the personal therapist about my need to be in a relationship to be happy in life. It really is a symptom of me having no life.

G'day all. We speak to MC today and I needed this refresher before I went in and poured my emotion and explained why my Nature and Nurture has caused me to become derailed and all that needed to occur is W and I to just work it out.

Right, that would solve it all!

NOT!