1.Do not pursue, reason, chase, beg, plead or implore! This turns the spouse completely off! 2. No frequent phone calls to spouse.......let him/her be the one to call you. Then don't try to hang on to your spouse through conversation.....instead, you say good-bye first. 3. Do not point out good points in marriage or try to get him/her to read marriage books, look at your M pictures, etc. Especially, do not get him/her to read the DB/DR book. That is for you only! 4. Do not follow your spouse around the house like a puppy dog trying to get his/her time and attention. 5. Do not encourage talk about the future. They don't want to think about a future with you at the moment, so stay clear of that subject. 6. Do not ask for help from family members or friends. Don't discuss private matters with them that would upset your spouse. 7. Do not ask for reassurances (That is showing neediness and being clingy.) Show self-respect and self confidence. 8. Do not buy gifts to make "brownie points". (Can't buy his/her love and affection.) 9. Do not schedule dates together at this point. (That is pursuing.) Save for later when the R is much better. 10.Do not spy on spouse by checking emails, phone bills, etc. (Not good for you and will make matters worse.) 11.Do not say "I Love You" (It is being "pushy" and trying to make your spouse say it back to you......he/she will despise you for it.) 12.Act "as if" you are moving on with your life with or without them and that you are going to be okay. Keep a good attitude. 13.Be cheerful, strong, outgoing and attractive at all times! In other words, be the best you can be and look the best you can look at all times. Even when wearing jeans and T-shirt, wear good cologne, b/c it does cause the spouse to take notice. 14.Don't sit around waiting on your spouse to see what kind of mood he/she is in or what he/she is going to do or say – get busy, think of things to do. Go to church, go out with friends, etc. in order to get a life for yourself without waiting on your wife/husband.....but it is okay to invite them, just don't act as if it will change your plans if they do or don't go. 15.When at home with your spouse, (if you usually start the conversation---then don't, wait for him/her) then, be rather scarce or with your words, but don't sound rude or too short like you are mad. If your spouse asks what's wrong....just say "nothing" and have a pleasant expression on your face. Keep it short and simple. Don't get into an argument! Stay polite and don’ t act like you are pouting. Use poise and class. This does not mean to act like you aren’t speaking, but don’t be overly talkative. 16.If you are in the habit of asking your spouse his/her whereabouts, ASK THEM NOTHING!! No matter what time he/she comes home! You are giving them space and asking no questions! You enjoy your time with your kids, friends, etc. Remember, you are getting a life, also. 17.You need to make your partner think that you have had an awakening and, as far as you are concerned, you are going to move on with your life, with or without your spouse. 18.Do not be nasty, angry or even cold - just pull back and wait to see if spouse notices and, more important, realize what he/she will be missing. (But never ask him/her if he/she has noticed any changes!!) This is important! If you do, then you have blown it. 19.No matter what you are feeling TODAY, only show your spouse happiness and contentment. This can confuse some of them b/c it is not what they expected. Show your spouse someone he/she would want to be around all the time, somebody that can be attractive and fun to be with. That somebody is you! Don't overkill in your attempts to outshine another person your spouse may be having an A with (if there is OP in the picture) to the point of looking like your attempts are "fake" b/c your spouse will see through all of that. 20.All questions about marriage should be put on hold, until your spouse wants to talk about it (which may be a while)so this takes patient on your behalf. 21.Never lose your cool! Don't let your spouse trap you into a fight. Don't take her/his bait.....leave the room or the house for a while, if you have to, in order to avoid a fight. 22.Don't be overly enthusiastic, don't over-kill; in anything you do b/c it will come across as fake. 23.Do not argue about how your spouse feels about something (it only makes his/her feelings more negative.) Only they know how they feel! 24.Be patient......very, very patient. Give your spouse space and time. When you pull back, it will draw them towards you. It feels opposite of what you want to do, but it works! 25.Listen carefully to what your spouse is really saying to you. Look them in the eyes when they talk to you. Do not interrupt them when they are speaking and stop what you may be working on to look at them when they talk. This shows them that you really care about what they are saying. 26.Learn to back off, shut up and walk away when you want to speak out (or scream and yell). 27.Take care of yourself (exercise, sleep, laugh & focus on all the other parts of your life that are not in turmoil). This is for your health's sake. 28.Be strong and confident and learn to speak softly. Read self help books, inspirational books or listen to tapes. They are for you only. 29.Know that if you can do 180's, your smallest CONSISTENT actions will be noticed much more than any words you can say or write. 30.Do not be openly show that you are "desperate" or "needy" even when you are hurting more than ever and truly feel desperate and needy. This is a large turn-off for your spouse. 31.Do not focus on yourself when communicating with your spouse, instead, focus on them. 32.Do not believe any of what you hear and less than 50% of what you see. Your spouse will speak in absolute negatives because he/she is hurting and scared. 33.Do not give up no matter how dark it is or how bad you feel. 34.Do not ask your spouse if he/she has noticed your changes. Those changes are for you and for the rest of your life...with or without your spouse. If it is just to get your spouse back...they won't last and the same problems will return. 35.Do not send several TM's or emails throughout the day unless absolutely necessary. 36. It is best to stay away from the bar scenes where other problems easily arise. 37. Do not backslide from your hard earned changes.
It is not about what you feel should work in your M. It is about doing the work that gets the right results. Do what works!
Hi Sandi, I'm sorry I started another thread, I don't really know how all this works and am learning as I go. Can I delete one so there is less confusion? I appreciate all the replies and don't want anyone to pass me up because I caused some confusion! Thanks for the list, I had read that in one of your other posts. I am beginning to understand more as time goes by and I read more on here. I get the feeling I am running out of time and want to see more immediate response from W. I see now that it's not about that. Like you said, I have to change for me. I never looked at it that way, but it makes a lot of sense. I am, however, getting in trouble in my reactions to her reactions. I realize if she reacts in a positive way to something, that doesn't mean everything is "fixed". I will be more consistant in my behavior and moods and settle in for the long haul. I am doing this for me and my family, not her. Right? Thanks again to all.
I get the feeling I am running out of time and want to see more immediate response from W.
theres plenty of time to catch a cheater. no rush. discipline.
Do YOU own the car she drives? Whose name is the cell phone plan under? Do you have a person who you could call on a moments notice late in the evening to sit in your house as your kids sleep so you could drop by these 1am PTA meetings in da club? Have you seen the surveilance camera section at Lowes, yet. You would be suprised how much the price has come down in recent years.
Hi Sandi, I have studied the list you gave me, made a copy of it and keep it with me, and have started with some of the principles. The simple ones such as do not persue, act happy and fine with everything, etc. I have scheduled a phone coaching session to get some further guidance. I just can't wrap my head around her actions.(i.e. mood swings) Some nights when I get home, things are good. She's talkative, happy, and seems OK. Other nights she is not the person I married. I read a post in here from a guy who called his wife an "alien". That's a good way to desribe her. What has changed with me is how I react or don't react to her moods. I try to stay even keeled. I listen and look her in the eyes when she talks about things, good or bad. I have been in panic mode for several months, feeling like I'm running out of time, that I had to do something immediately. The hardest part is being patient! Thanks for checking in and I welcome all the help I can get. I really look forward to it!
Thanks, Maynard. That is what I'm working on, be pleasant, even keeled, no matter what. It's very hard, but this isn't supposed to be easy, right? I really wish I could read her better, or understand her more. How can it go from so high to so low so quickly? Back and forth, back and forth.............
I don't know who it's harder on the WAS or the LBS- at times my W would tell me her pain and I was there for her, but when it was my turn to share mine, she was gone.
Anything you can do to make things easier is on Sandi's list.
And that's easier on you and on W as well. You will have some anxiety for sure, you will have doubts as well. Just don't try to read too much- I did and it drove me crazy. And crazy does not lead to stressfree interactions and PMA and a healthy environment
Signed up for a telephone coaching session. Don't really have the money right now but hopefully it will give me some more direction and a plan to follow.
Last night was a good night. Older boys had bball game. Both did well. Got home and we all did valentines cards together for school. W and I watched TV for a while after kids went to bed. She asked if I was coming to bed, I said I wanted to watch the rest of the news, would be there in a while. She came over and kissed me goodnight. First time in a while she sought me out. I stayed and watched the news and messed aroung for about an hour and went to bed. All in all a good night. Don't get excited about kiss, stay calm and even keeled. Constantly working on that.
