It's amazing to see how many people are going through the same thing! Here's my story. In the beginning I really wanted it to work out.. Now I’m just really tired of the emotional rollercoaster.
WAH and I had lived together for about 9 years - 4+ years of which=married. Late this past summer he just didn't seem like himself. He didn’t want to go to events we had planned months ago, instead telling me to take a friend. He was frustrated that having a baby didn’t happen right away (he has a teenage son from his first marriage) and that his friends didn’t have time to talk like before because of their young kids. This is when I started seeing/hearing the first signs of what was bothering him. I didn’t dress sexy enough around the house, that he wanted me to stop taking the fertility prescriptions, that I didn’t trust his judgment, that I criticized something that he had been working on, that I fell asleep on the sofa sometimes at night and came to bed late, that he wanted to get rid of our dogs. It wasn’t as though we sat down and discussed these things.. In a tense moment, he would blurt out one, and me, not having read DB, I said everything you shouldn’t, reacted the exact way you shouldn’t, and we grew further apart. I couldn’t understand where it was coming from.. couldn’t understand where my usual fun, loving, smiling husband was. He started sleeping in the other bedroom and withdrawing further. I tried to reach out but not realizing that he needed his mancave retreat time, pushed him further away by trying to continually reach out.
September-October He drops me off at the airport for a work trip and I’m getting love you texts, etc. It’s like a sense of calm has restored. Then while I am away that week the emails get colder.. when he picks me up at the airport he is really quiet and withdrawn. I ask what’s wrong and he says he’s not sure if he loves me, thought he’d feel different once he picked me up but he doesn’t. Then bam..I get a text that he’s at his sisters- thinking for dinner, hanging out? Come home from work and he had packed some of his things and left. Once again, I did the exact opposite of what I should have.. the pathetic crying mess, sending needy text/voice messages, etc.
Interestingly, when he left, I checked one laptop he had left around. Found a couple of messages from his therapist about scheduling dates and then.. found a pretty graphic one between the two of them. Basically he writes he has to shower alone and her response is pretty much everything she would do to him while in the shower. I think my jaw hit the floor in utter shock. But in a weird way it was kind of a good thing. I could finally get my mind around what was happening.. he was cheating on me. Not that it made it easy but for the first time I didn’t feel it was my fault.. I cried to friends, sat on the email for a while and then that evening forwarded on to her with a cc to him=just a hi, I’m x’s wife. Thanks for this email. It’s clarified a lot. Got an immediate emotional response from him and then another that am.. how I ruined his life, how I embarrassed him, how she never wants to see him again, etc.. I found the DB book and started to pull myself together. Moved all of his stuff out of the bedroom into an upstairs bedroom, took down all the pics in the house of us. Started running a lot more. He would stop by occasionally and said I looked good, said he was attracted to me, try to be intimate, etc. Said he saw that I was having a good time with friends, he started coming out of his cave.. We have separate bank accounts but I began seeing notes from his bank that he overdrafted….I questioned him on it and then I soon saw a “change of address” notification in the mail. Not with everything but on most of his mail. That’s how I found out he got an apartment. He wasn’t/isn’t paying anything towards the mortgage or any bills here (his justification is “but I’m not living there”) but he can afford an apt.? Towards the end of the month I’m out with friends in town for some big event here and we run into him. First time we’ve seen each other /spoken with one another in a while.I start getting texts after that. You guys coming back this way? Then more flirty later that night. Interesting..
November-December: He’s been homesick so he flies out to visit his family and pays for his sister to come. Again, I am struggling to make ends meet with all the bills on my shoulder and he has all this extra money to spend? Week two I start getting emails, pics, texts.. How are you? What are you up to? Send him a pic of the house and he says it made his day. Then he asks for a pic of me.. in his favorite pair of my underwear, etc.. Emotional rollercoaster continues. Wished I had remained strong but at this time I find out my dad is dying – stage 4 cancer. I decide to shift all my focus to my family situation and then deal with WAH situation later. He agrees to watch the dogs while I head home. In ICU texting about how it’s hard to see my dad like this and WAH sends back, that will be him someday, all about him, etc.. I am tired of the self-centeredness and need family time now so leave the phone alone. I spent the rest of the day with my family choosing caskets, etc. I get a text from him that afternoon about how he can't take it there about how the dog chewed a book. I pretty much lost it that night.. walked outside, called him, and finally pretty much exploded into him. You are calling me about a book that the dog chewed when I am watching my dad die? I am done.. don’t want anything to do with you anymore, as soon as I get back I’m getting the ball rolling on divorce, etc. That next evening I start getting the I’m sorry texts, phone calls, etc. I ignore them all. He’s home when my cab pulls up. Tell him I was serious, I am done, to get out, leave me alone, etc. Amazing what exhaustion and three days of no sleep can do… He had never seen me that spent before so I think he was scared. He came back later that day and it was the same story. Leave me alone..Then I get a text “I don’t want a divorce.. I still have feelings for you”
Sporadic contact and then the day before Thanksgiving he comes crying.. He wants to come home, wants to have thanksgiving dinner just the two of us, etc. The next am I am up for a 5K and halfway through I notice he is out there on the course cheering for me. On the way home, I get stuff for dinner, go all out and we have a great evening. The next day he moves all his stuff back in. I can soon feel him growing distant again but know enough to give him some space. I continue on with holiday stuff, groceries, decorations, tree, etc. He doesn’t want any part of it. He picks up his son, it’s like Christmas again. The next day I can still sense the pulling away so I ask and he says he is just tired, depressed with the winter weather type stuff. That Monday I come home from work and he is gone. Took his son and all his stuff- and they even took the car this time. So I am stranded and my heart torn out again.
January-now Occaisonal emails and at one point actually get “I’m very sorry for any pain my departure is causing you. And I appreciate your concern as to my welfare” then about how he can’t live with the dogs in the house, how he wants a house that is a joy to live in not stressful.” What would have happened if we had had kids I’m wondering.. He changes his profile pic on Facebook to a really depressing dark one, won’t accept my friend request, etc. My phone is now blocked and I can’t call him. A few days later I have errands to run and ask about the car. Send a note asking about it and get back “ “I understand your need for transportation but I think there are issues we need to address first, etc.” I take a day off from work to start the lawyer finding process and am home when he stops by. He’s emotional and agrees to counseling. He picks me up for the session and it goes well. ’m pretty quiet as it feels good to hear him finally letting stuff out and communicating. She offers that we give up the dogs and just as we are getting to the issue of his counselor EA issue, time runs out. And the dam opens and tears just start flowing from me.. she mentions it’s a “lot of levels of loss at once” Losing my husband, my dad, and now my dogs.. I’m just feeling beat down so I don’t say a word the entire way home, just a flood of tears streaming down. I manage a meek “thank you” as I get out of the car. Later that night get an email from him “I’m sorry you were upset tonight.” I don’t respond. 2 hours later I get “So what do you want to do.” Again, I don’t respond. Just exhausted.. What do I want is a good question at this point.
The next am the dentist calls, he missed his appt. Then I head out to walk to the metro and he's in his car driving by waiting for me. Rolls down the window “what do you want to do.” I ask him the same. He notes the ball is in my court and I just walk away. need time to think about everything. The next day out late having dinner with friends so haven’t been checking my phone. At 9:30 “How did your day go?” Then at 12 am “I guess by your silent treatment it means you don’t want to talk anymore” I soon respond that I’ve been out with friends and ask how he is. He says he can’t sleep. He’s been up thinking about “life. work. you”
The next day I am out walking the dogs when I turn the corner and see him pulling into the driveway. huh? He asks if I want to go out for a drink. Good conversation, good times, he’s relaxed and like himself. Hang out watching TV, he asks if he can sleep here because he hasn’t had a good night’s sleep in a while. The next am drives me to the metro and it’s completely like before. Joking, smiling, laughing. Then crash and burn. As I am getting home I see the email “how come you didn’t tell me yesterday or today you had been personally to the rental office” Huh? I had been there when I went to pick up the car that time but that was it. Meanwhile I realize he has my keys and I can’t call him (blocked) so call a friend to call him and ask if he can bring my keys.. shivering freezing outside. He does and tells me I “defrauded him” by not telling him I had been there. Says he needs to sit on this for a few hours and he’ll call me. Is he hiding something from me? Was he afraid I would find something/someone? Never calls. Surprisingly not angry when he heads out.. just too tired of it all.
Again, sporadic emails including his “I'm not ignoring you. I think like you said, I let it go for too long and I’m very hurt by things that happened. I’m sad about it. I really don’t want to talk it.” I’m holding strong for days until my dogs gets out and I need the car to get him. Friend calls him but no response. I get an email later that day “I’m sorry. I thought it was about your dad. I hope you find it soon.” I’m pretty pissed and later that night respond “Thank you. I am hurt you thought my dad had passed and couldn't even call. I can't do this anymore. I deserve to be with someone who loves me, someone who is there for me when I most need them. I can't continue this non-communication we have going. I want a more loving relationship and I want to be happy again. Don't worry. You don't have to do anything, I'm filing the papers this week. I wish you the best.”
The whole process will be easier if we are communicating b/c I don’t have a ton of money to spend on lawyers so a couple of days later I send “any chance we can talk.” He responds “about what” seriously? So now I have to make a decision on next steps. So tired of trying and spending so many months going in circles. I can file for divorce but afraid that would be the last straw and there wouldn't be any hopes for reconciliation then, Or.. I could at least file papers where he would have to pay something towards the mortgage at least, Maybe that might be a way to shake things a little. Just confused and tired and ready for a better 2010.
