P.S. - Just an FYI - in the midst of our fight yesterday - she firmly stated she intends to date men, and she "highly recommends" that I date as well - to see if there is life and happiness beyond us! Crazy!!!!!! I know this probably is a normal thing to say during the MLC stuff - but - I honestly thought to myself several times during the conversation that I was talking to a complete stranger - someone I didnt know at all. I read the Six Stage of MLC, so I do have compassion in me, just so crazy to experience first hand right up in front of you.
Me: 48 W: 47 M: 25 years T: 30 years S24, D21, D11 Bomb dropped: "Not in love with you" 10/09 Separated Feb 2010
It is understandable that you are angry and sometimes it just comes out...you move on! Your W was putting "her phone" first over your D. It is one thing to do that to the LBS but another to the children! So, forgive yourself and get back to what you were doing!
I know it is not the easy but after H left, DBing got a lot easier for me. I could breathe again and not worry about saying or doing the wrong things or snooping in his stuff etc. I have days where I wonder how can he see the good changes I am making in myself but as these wise people on these boards have pointed out, the changes are not for H, they are for ME and he will notice as your W will too!
My H's birthday was yesterday and I called him to wish him a good one and then invited him to come to dinner. He was not thrilled, you could hear it in his voice but he did accept! He was very quiet when he got here, almost like it was an inconvenience to him but I kept my smile and happy tone and we ate and had conversation during dinner, he played with the kids for a little while and really perked up! A couple of months ago, I would probably have gone to the other room and cried or told him nevermind on the phone. As Lost Rabbit pointed out to me when I complained that I had hoped for more, that this was a baby step for H. It is so hard for US, the LBS to see these things.
As for dating, you will find lots of differing opinions on that here. I have made a choice to not do that. I am still married whether he is here or not...hope you have a good day!
M48 H53 M16 T18 S16 D13 SS30 H drops bomb PA/8-30-09 H leaves 12-30-09 D filed by H 2-10 H asks to come home 4-11 Piecing
Dating not on my mind or agenda, so I feel as you do. I am not giving up the fight and right now my focus is to move on, keep my 180 as best I can, and heal myself. Incidentally - I found some song lyrics that hit me like a ton of bricks - so appropriate right now. I hurt, she's leaving our union, I cant do much to change that althought I'd like to, she has to fix herself, and maybe there is light at the end of the tunnel, maybe.... the words:
"I know the pain of too much tenderness Wondering when or if you'll be back again Wanting to live for you And being banned from giving Only Love will turn you around........."
Later.....
Me: 48 W: 47 M: 25 years T: 30 years S24, D21, D11 Bomb dropped: "Not in love with you" 10/09 Separated Feb 2010
Marillion - "Out of this World". The lyrics are written about something else, but those few from the middle of the song still fit to an absolute T for me......
Me: 48 W: 47 M: 25 years T: 30 years S24, D21, D11 Bomb dropped: "Not in love with you" 10/09 Separated Feb 2010
P.S. - Just an FYI - in the midst of our fight yesterday - she firmly stated she intends to date men, and she "highly recommends" that I date as well - to see if there is life and happiness beyond us! Crazy!!!!!!
My wife said something similar too about a month ago, it was the day after I pulled her off some random guy in a bar that she was kissing. She said "if you would just find somebody you would realize....." she never finished the sentence. Another time she suggested that I go out with her 28 year old roommate (who is very attractive I might add).
It is all about them, she really doesn't care whether you are dating someone or not just as long as it aleviates the guilt of what she is doing. Her guilt is massive, it must be to say something like that to you.
Good choice, on not dating, I personally think it would complicate things that are already messed up enough.
Formerly "missherlove"
Me49 XW49 M17 T19 S16 D20
Expose yourself to your deepest fear; after that, fear has no power, and the fear of freedom shrinks and vanishes. You are free.
missherlove - yup - I agree - complicated - but really - I just have NO desire to go down that path anyway. I am most worried about just keeping my kids somewhat sane thru all of this and I know they are all watching me to see how I handle this all. Its hard - I am so angry that Legal Sep will be final on Thursday - and that she took it this far - and my 180 is failing a bit - I have been nasty to my W like this morning - no fights - just answering her really short and with an edge - I'm trying really hard to catch myself - but finding that as Thursday approaches - and the LS signing real - I am not the rock I want to be. Just keep trying to catch myself and act like the tough confident man....... oh boy - its hard
Me: 48 W: 47 M: 25 years T: 30 years S24, D21, D11 Bomb dropped: "Not in love with you" 10/09 Separated Feb 2010
Was thinking this morning on the train about your comment above about guilt. I have never once thought of it, because I guess she has never shown any to date since this started. I guess if she does feel any, or express any, if ever, it will be further on down in the MLC process.
Me: 48 W: 47 M: 25 years T: 30 years S24, D21, D11 Bomb dropped: "Not in love with you" 10/09 Separated Feb 2010
Also - feeling anxiety, anger, hurt, and really bunch of others all rolled into one big emotional ball as we get closer and closer to the Legal Sep on Thurs. I guess that is normal. Right now - I wish I WAS the one who was like an alien and not feeling anything - being the one with the human anguish sucks.
Me: 48 W: 47 M: 25 years T: 30 years S24, D21, D11 Bomb dropped: "Not in love with you" 10/09 Separated Feb 2010
Tom...I too am feeling all of those feelings too. There are days you wonder who you will make it through and you can't imagine not feeling like this. But I'm hanging (tightly) on to hope and I'm choosing to believe that it won't always hurt this bad, it won't always be this way. There will be peace and happiness for all of us. I'm sorry you are nearing the legal part...I too am going to visit with a lawyer.
