Only YOU know what you can and will take. Each of us handles our sitches different.
I know they say we cannot make our spouses leave /forget or whatever the OM or OW. They need to make that decision otherwise they will always have that "What if" stuck in their head. BUT
"I have one concern that I want to address with him, where I feel that he is being disrespectful towards me. I would prefer not to go into detail about it."
BUT FOR ME… Like I said you have different ways of handling things than me but FOR ME.. I would draw the line at the OM EVER coming within 100 ft of our home. That alone to ME is disrespectful.
But you are the one that knows your sitch and have been allot steadier and have moved allot farther ahead than I...
Stay strong… I don’t know how you do it. If my W OM had the nerve to show up in our town... (He lives in Washington State). He’d be going home without his testacies
And if I claim to be a wise man, well It surely means that I don't know
Doc, I have to go on what I know. The limit I was setting for our household was a clear black-white issue. He was being disrespectful. The nature of their relationship is unknown. I chose to give her the benefit of the doubt, and allowed him into the household.
I sent my W an email with my concerns yesterday. I wasn't going to address it with him until she and I were on the same page. She chose to tell him about it later that day. I'm not sure what she told him, but he abruptly left. My W spoke with him today, and told me that he never wants to see me again, and is never coming back. It's interesting because I made no mention of telling him that he wasn't welcome, only that I expected appropriate behavior in my household.
My W has no rebuttal against me. His behavior would be found inappropriate by any jury of peers.
I'm willing to tolerate any consequences this limit-setting creates. I have my dignity restored. My W has threatened to increase my chore list.
She is quite emotional this evening. She hasn't felt right since getting the H1N1 vaccine over the weekend.
CL
CL 53 W 54 M 20 yrs. 03'-09' Separation + Old Patterns + GAL 10-14' Piecing
"The Master allows things to happen. She shapes events as they come."
CL, "I have to go on what I know." YES buddy you are the one that has to live with your actions. I totaly understand..
Seems to me though that OM might be trying to turn W aginst you with his "I don't want to play" attatude. But you also have no control over what W does so lets hope she see through this like his Name calling he did in the past..
BUT in my I REPEAT MY opinion the side affect of your E mail
"My W spoke with him today, and told me that he never wants to see me again, and is never coming back"
IS GREAT
And if I claim to be a wise man, well It surely means that I don't know
Doc, It sounds like I've had an impact on things, and have stopped his disrespect in my household. It will be interesting to see if he returns. We'll see if he's willing to accept the guidelines I've requested. My W says that I've chased him away, giving me no validation for my concerns. I find it interesting that she shared my concerns with him.
My plan is to maintain connection with my W. There are enough positive signs for me to be more proactive at influencing connection.
CL
CL 53 W 54 M 20 yrs. 03'-09' Separation + Old Patterns + GAL 10-14' Piecing
"The Master allows things to happen. She shapes events as they come."
Matilda and Doc, I picked up some daffodils for her today at the grocery store, in anticipation of Valentine's Day. I placed then in a vase in her bathroom. I will stop and pick up a card for her this week. I may get back into the habit of having a fresh vase of flowers for her on a regular basis.
She and I went to a private lesson yesterday and worked on a Salsa combination that I know she will like. I disovered the move in a recent class I ventured to. She's been wanting to do a combination like this for some time, but I've lacked the skill and confidence level, until now. It involves her spinning out and then back into my arms with impact, and then slowly moving thru a low sweeping dip. We now have something to practice together. I know she'll like performing this in public.
She and her friend went out to dinner last night. I met her later for dancing downtown. He drove her back home, as she stayed later than I did. He did not enter the house. She hasn't argued with me about the request I made for his behavior in our household. Her concerns were that she would lose a helper for housekeeping, and a chauffeur for driving her to dance venues. I think they'll maintain some connection.
She has requested to sleep alone, stating that she sleeps better without me in there. I respected her request and have returned to the guest room.
CL
CL 53 W 54 M 20 yrs. 03'-09' Separation + Old Patterns + GAL 10-14' Piecing
"The Master allows things to happen. She shapes events as they come."
Great work on Connecting with the Dance practice...I know you need to do what you feel you need to do. I don’t know how you have the patience I could not put up with it I still have a problem with your W "friend" But like I said you need to do what feels right for you...
As for: “She has requested to sleep alone, stating that she sleeps better without me in there. I respected her request and have returned to the guest room.”
I have friends that are Happily Married and actual have separate bed rooms because of this same reason. BUT they still to have their nights “together”. I would be ok with my wife having her own room. (Which she does) as long as we did still did “share some nights together” I am afraid that in my sitch I am slowly getting too used to not having wife by my side and if it were not for son I am more and more tempted to just give up...
Stay strong buddy...as long as YOU are at least satisfied with your life that is all that counts
And if I claim to be a wise man, well It surely means that I don't know
Matilda and Doc, I have some leftover traveler's checks from vacation, so I decided to offer to take my W to a Valentine's Day dinner at one of her favorite restaurants.
She has asked for me to return to the bedroom to sleep.
She mentioned to me that I seem more peaceful these days, and am much more patient. She said that I used to be a chronic worrier. She said that if I was like this year's ago, she would have considered having children with me.
She and I ventured into the snow last night and went to a dance class. She is still 90% Salsa, while I spread my interests around into Latin and Ballroom dances. She likes her teacher and the studio I've found for us. I hope that we become inceasingly active with this studio, as there are opportunities beyond taking lessons, such as dance mixers, and group performances.
My supervisor at work is unhappy with me lately regarding my failure to be a stewardship of agency resources with a specific client. He said that he was mildly reprimanded by his supervisor for this. The client manipulated the psychiatrist into giving her further resources, so now my supervisor is angry. I'll have to carry this stress myself. There's no reason to worry my W about it. I created my own problems with this.
CL
CL 53 W 54 M 20 yrs. 03'-09' Separation + Old Patterns + GAL 10-14' Piecing
"The Master allows things to happen. She shapes events as they come."
Hope you have had a nice Valentine's Day, CL. I am still waiting for you to be EAGER to share the bedroom with your wife. Have things calmed down at work?
