Hi peace- I'm still riding the rollercoaster even with NC. As I posted before, there are times I feel at peace with everything and then something will hit me off and I will have a mini-meltdown. Inconsistancy seems to be the only consistancy I have.
I still sometimes have difficulty understanding how my H can say he loves me and even misses me yet he makes no effort to contact me. I know it is the depression/withdrawal/avoidance but it is still sometimes so difficult for me to understand. I've been re-reading the archives and looking up information on depression. It helps for awhile but then I go back to not understanding. Why?
I had a bad day yesterday at the office, I came home and my kids had been in a huge fight, I think my father is depressed after his seizure and my mother is having some continuing health issues. At one point in the day, I thought about trying to contact my H. I really needed him to put his arms around me for a little while but I didn't do it.
I still vasilate on whether or not to push for the D. Currently, my decision is to wait. I need to spend time with my parents and my D who will be off to college in a year and a half. For now my decision is that I don't really have to time to try to start a new relationship so what is the point of pushing for the D? In a way, this feels like a step backwards like I am still in limbo and I don't like that. In my heart, I still want my H to come home though I am not always sure why. I am trying to live my life like he is not coming back but it isn't that easy. I have really missed my H the last few days.
I'm still not sure what to do with my H's things that he has at my house. He has a lot of clothes here, all fairly new, purchased post-bomb. He left Christmas gifts, even the gift his D gave him. He has many personal items and pictures here but I guess none of it matters to him. When he left after telling me he was "freaking out" about moving back, he told me to give his things to the Goodwill. He knows I wouldn't do that. Does he think if he leaves his stuff here, there is still a connection to me? I know it is just more of the avoidance but I would think he would want at least some of his things. Should I box up all his things and store it them in the garage until he is ready to get them?
I have tried to justify my H's NC telling myself that he is doing it for me. After all, I did tell him to let me go and that I deserve someone who is 100% sure about having a relationship with me. I told him I needed to move forward in my life with or without him. Am I just fooling myself that he is staying away for me? I suppose all I need to know is that his staying away tells me that he can't be the man I need him to be.
