I hear ya. You are right on the home cooked meals as far as I am concerned. I just hear your frustration so clearly and your sadness. I would like to get inside Mr. Mind's mind...
hey there. and NO, his comments weren't necessary. but many times we say things because we are frustrated or mad and the people closest to us are the easiest ones to lash out on.
SOOO, before your year of pleading, what would you have done when he said those rude comments?
then, during your year of DBing, what would you have done??
Now, what can you do different? would doing this be different?
H "this isn't how you make it, why do you always change it?!?!"
M "wow, your right! I better throw this out, it tastes terrible!!" while grabbing his plate to toss it down the sink.
now, I'm not saying you should use that one, because you just slaved for 4 hours and throwing it away would be a waste! but my thought is to try to give you some ideas, some crazy ideas that you've thought of, but never have done.
I do agree that you need to start doing something different. and I'm not sure that this half dark thing is it. Do you feel that he has gotten better or worse in the last month?
Me 33 H 34 S9 S3 M 6 yrs (2gether 11 yrs) EA/PA 1/2006 DB 5/2006 H wants D 6/2006 H wants ME 8/2006 H "said" PA/EA over 8/2006 H erased OW off phone! 2/2007
"It is far better 2 choose humility & change oneself, than 2 wait in vain trying 2 chang someone else."
but many times we say things because we are frustrated or mad and the people closest to us are the easiest ones to lash out on.
I have never understood this. I guess I just don't have it in me to purposely say something to hurt someone's feelings, or make them feel bad.
Originally Posted By: S.T. _I Made It!
SOOO, before your year of pleading, what would you have done when he said those rude comments?
turned away, shrugged it off...
Originally Posted By: S.T. _I Made It!
then, during your year of DBing, what would you have done??
Most effectively, calling him on it... Overall, a mixture of responses...
You gave me something to think about, though. He doesn't just do this to me, he does it to almost everyone. At least there's comfort in not being singled out!
Originally Posted By: S.T. _I Made It!
I do agree that you need to start doing something different. and I'm not sure that this half dark thing is it. Do you feel that he has gotten better or worse in the last month?
I've been not initiating conversation for almost two weeks. I can't telling if we are better or worse, but it feels like there's a lot more distance between us. I feel like he's more frustrated w/me.
Me-46, D-21, S15, S13
After many years w/my head in the sand... I FILED Divorced 6/2011
The average woman would rather have beauty than brains, because the average man can see better than he can think.
Have you considered that maybe it doesn't matter what you do? Look at GIMA. If your H is in a MLC or just depressed with low hormone levels. You have a recipe for where you are at.
Understand that NOTHING YOU DO is going to change him! This is not about YOU. Your expectations are way too high. You cook for 4 hours it should be because you want to do it, if he throws the food away you have to let it roll off your back. The depression is what is controlling him. Not your cooking,GAL,looking good, losing weight etc. etc etc.
Does he exercise? Maybe the 2 of you could do it together or make it a whole family thing. That might help him with his depression. Look into foods that help with depression. If he is eating your cooking then he is stuck with what is on the plate.
Have you read the MLC resources. They might be helpful even if it is just depression. A MLC does NOT have to include wild antics or affairs. It is also a long term thing. It could last for 3-10 years.
I don't know if this is helpful but I agree that you need to look at things from a different perspective.
Just prior to the bomb, we had completed the restoration of our home (HUGE PROJECT - 2 1/
--- 2 years), and he didn't really want to live here. We bought it on foreclosure, and he wanted to put 100k into it, and then flip it. Once we started, I fell in love w/it. I pressured him to sell our house, our lake house (we had a hard time getting to it since the kids were getting older, but he LOVED it), and move in.
--- We got hit w/a MAJOR IRS issue, and I mean MAJOR. We're slowly digging out of it now, but I'm sure he was scared to death, and felt like he let us down by not handling this correctly.
--- The year prior to the house restoration and IRS issue, he lost his dad.
--- His family, as a whole, is emotionally unhealthy. He's the most "stable". He has two brothers that he doesn't even speak to, as they had a falling out at some point... he completely wrote them out of his life.
You've given me an idea... I am going to talk to the Naturopath that we go to. (He's not normally into seeing doctor's, but he likes this...) I'll talk to her confidentially, and see what she comes up with. If she suggests something else to take, I'll slip it in as an afterthought on our "plan". stress release, etc... that kind of thing.
Last edited by mindfull; 02/09/1002:26 PM.
Me-46, D-21, S15, S13
After many years w/my head in the sand... I FILED Divorced 6/2011
The average woman would rather have beauty than brains, because the average man can see better than he can think.
Be sure to mention the sex/libido thing. See if she can check testosterone levels. T levels affect a whole LOT of other body systems besides (wink) "you know"....
