I have been reading the divorce busting forum for several months but this is my first post.
My wife and I have been married for 21 years and have been together for 25. We do not have any children. We are both 44 years of age.
In May of 2009 my wife made contact with an old boyfriend (she had a PA with him 15 years ago). This quickly turned into an emotional affair that lasted for one or two months.
The emotional affair started with e-mail and advanced to phone calls while I was away on a business trip. Upon returning from my trip, I got the ILYBNILWY statement. The emotional affair was revealed during this same conversation.
I do not believe the affair got physical as the the other man lives in another state. It is possible that the communication is ongoing but I have no way to confirm this.
My wife tells me that the other man blew her off and is not interested in pursuing a relationship with her. Based on our many conversations, it seems that the emotional affair has brought my wife to the conclusion that she must not love me. Otherwise, the emotional affair never would have happened (same for the PA of 5 years ago).
My wife filed for divorce in November of 2009. I filed a counter complaint 30 days later (a response was required to preserve my rights). The state in which we live requires a 60-day waiting period from the date of filing before a divorce can be processed.
We continued living together for approximately six months after ILYBNILWY statement. During this time I was very depressed, desperate, and clingy. I was doing all the wrong things (pursuing, reasoning, pleading, etc.). The situation only got worse as time went on.
I did not discover the DIVORCE REMEDY book until some time in November, after the divorce filing. I gave the Last Resort Technique a half-hearted attempt thinking it was too late.
In mid-December I moved to a separate apartment in the same complex. The move was partly an attempt to accept that the situation was hopeless and to move on with my life. Although it seemed unlikely, I also hoped that my absence would cause her to reconsider.
Fast forward to today. The 60-day waiting period has come and gone. I believe all of the required paper work is complete. Its just a mater of setting a court date.
We still spend a great deal of time together -- we get along very well (provided we do not discuss the divorce). We have coffee together most mornings (at her apartment) and have dinner together a few days a week. Sometimes she visits my apartment. Intimacy, however, has not been allowed since all this started back in June of 2009.
I have been much better about not begging, pleading, etc. Although I do screw up, I am not as desperate. I will occasionally say something like "Are you ready to work on the marriage?" I try not to say "I love you" but often slip up -- usually during a goodbye hug.
I have not done a good job of getting a life. I feel like that is what I must do at this point but, like before, it feels like its too late. The pending divorce makes me feel like I am sitting on a ticking time bomb.
I am not sure where to go from here. Maintaining two apartments is a financial burden. When I moved out, I assumed she would be gone by the end of January. I am considering moving back home and camping out in the spare bedroom. Another alternative is to stay put and give notice on the apartment she lives in. Or, I could just keep things as they are for a while longer.
I am afraid giving notice on her apartment would just accelerate the divorce. I am hoping she still has some doubt in her mind and so I do not want to push her out. Any thoughts?
