Goals are good, but how are doing on being in the present? Dunno, I'm just getting a gut feeling that you're having trouble just being in the now when you are with your H. When we get the past and the future out of the way, it's just two people meeting one another with fresh, true feelings and actions.
me: 42 | STBXH: 41 | T: 18 | M: 10 | separation: Jan 3, 2010 | they deserve better: S7 & D4 current thread: http://tinyurl.com/3y8sxcp .: first breathe, then heal, then start LIVING :.
My kids had their Nintendo DS's this weekend. D7 plays in moderation, but S9 is addicted. I am using it as an incentive for him to get other "to do" items done and I put a limit on the video game play time. It is funny that when he is not allowed to play the DS, he will ask me "Dad, what can I do?".
D7 went into an academy award performance yesterday when I let her brother play the DS after dinner. She was wanting him to play with her instead. Oh well, you cant please them both.
I dont see how you have the energy to be thinking or worrying about the "love" of your H and also being a parent at the same time.
Kerry, it's all I do. I work, come home, take care of the kids or just try to be "present" some time while catching up with myself the rest of the time, like now that they are asleep. I drive them to their lessons, to school, get homework done, play with them, some days I just come home and lay in bed and tell them:"mommy is tired today, let me rest"...
I am lucky I dont have to clean, the babysitter is also housekeeper in a sense and I can be free of chores of the house.
Kids wont let you drift away for too long. I can see it in their behavior they need me. And feeling I am their only safe harbour (and my family) is a great responsibility and motive.
The last couple of days, I have been reading again "how to talk to kids etc etc". Very helpful. S8 lost the privilege of playing DSi because he didnt keep his side of the bargain regarding school. Consequences... K
Kalni, reading back... do I have this right? You still do not have his passwords?
What about setting up his email on your computer at home and calling him over and stating- "I want to log in your email right now- what is the password?"
In the words of Dr. Phil... People with nothing to hide, hide nothing (darn it- I think I am screwing up the saying- I can't remember the exact wording)
If he balks- I think you know your answer- he has something to hide... otherwise he would give it to your readily.
Personally, his coming and going at at all hours of the night is unacceptable to me also... where is the trust? Who knows what the heck he is doing
Yes, he seems definitely depressed- at this point- not your problem... Ever hear how sometimes a drowning person will take you right down with them if you are trying to save them? It's automatic, don't let him pull you down.
I personally, think he just strings you along with just enough to keep you going. Every time you finally have had it- another crumb is thrown your way ie.the letter. Then you think maybe this time is the time change is really going to occur. Very reactionary. He just reacts to situations.
I guess you could write up a list of all the needs he is meeting and not meeting. If the list is coming up short- do you think he will meet them in the near future? six months from now? a year from now?
His sadness- it's not all about him... what about your sadness? Why does his sadness trump yours? It's all about him- his moods, his happiness, his wants and needs (he does what he wants regardless of you)
I don't know.....will he ever really be a husband again? How can you be sure he is still not in contact with the OW when he was "reconciling" last year. groundhog's day (the movie) seems a little bit.
Has he done anything beyond the minimum? Anything without being cattle prodded?
What is your timeline? When is enough, enough?
You deserve some much more...
Of course, as always- just my thoughts. I wonder a single, private session with the MC would bring up? What does she think about all of this? What would she way to you?
M38, H37 S3, S7 Together 15 yrs Married 8 yrs Bomb July 2008 Inhouse separation "I hate you" "We are over" (too many times to count) Reconciled Sept 2009 (still worth it)
Hey Sunny, I am here, yes! Waiting for your view on things...
June, funny you make a point about the passwords. Something I didnt mention yesterday was that although I did thank him for taking care of the kids, I also had sent him previously an email saying I need his passwords, that he had time to take care loose ends and I dont understand why he wouldnt give it to me. I said I couldnt believe he didnt understand how that was important to me.
I found a reply this morning. That he had enough with this issue and that he cant believe his credibility is dependendt on the password. That he never asked about mine or tried to get them. And he ends it with his password. I should have figured it out, very easy password btw... It is frustrating to see he doesnt "get it" but hey, what can I say, it isnt easy...
June, if I start with "what about MY needs" we are doomed. Unfortunately I am better equipped to make decisions that would benefit our relationship than he is. I often get into the mood you describe but to be honest, I dont like that mood.
Regarding his schedule: it is his work schedule, he makes sure I know wher ehe is, calls me from his office at various times of the day and has given me the direct line I didnt know existed (he says I did) so I can "check up" on him any hour of the day.
Timeline? End of Feb 2011. That is the end. A year from now. Dont ask me why, that's it. I'll be 40 on March 3rd 2011. K
What! Are you accepting that answer for the this?! I would email back- considering your history of lying it is necessary. Her are my passwords for my emails now send my yours. I personally would have a MC session just over this.
I can not believe you would accept this!!
I will see what others have to say...
M38, H37 S3, S7 Together 15 yrs Married 8 yrs Bomb July 2008 Inhouse separation "I hate you" "We are over" (too many times to count) Reconciled Sept 2009 (still worth it)
Kalni, best of luck on everything... I guess I am so baffled b/c I just read oyur post on Flowmom's post about finding a post-it stating "I love you" in his pocket years ago as he was walking out the door and him denying it was anything... It seems that he can not be honest - I worry including now.
M38, H37 S3, S7 Together 15 yrs Married 8 yrs Bomb July 2008 Inhouse separation "I hate you" "We are over" (too many times to count) Reconciled Sept 2009 (still worth it)
Wait- just thinking- you stated he never logs in to his email accounts on the home computer now either, right? (worried about keylogger)
Oh brother....
M38, H37 S3, S7 Together 15 yrs Married 8 yrs Bomb July 2008 Inhouse separation "I hate you" "We are over" (too many times to count) Reconciled Sept 2009 (still worth it)
So you have his password now. He is letting you know where he is, you can call and reach him at time.
I do get that you don't want to settle for crumbs, no one would and you shouldn't. I do know however that depression feels as if you are running on fumes constantly. It takes everything you have just to do what you "have" to do. Forget doing things for fun because that isn't even part of the thought process. You want the pain to end but really don't know how to get there. Believe me it is a dark hell and unless you have been there yourself it is hard to understand.
Pushing doesn't make you want to get anywhere and in fact you use that tad bit of energy to rebel. Sure everyone has mild cases of the blues but this is so much worse.
I would just say he would like your support but you can't do it for him. He has to see for himself that there is a way out of this dark place he's in.
Keep focusing on things you enjoy, tell him that you do appreciate the small things he does and encourage gently counseling.
hugs, kat
Me-53(and learning!) S24, S21, D18, D17 Just keep swimming, Just keep swimming. Dory
