Another one here who thinks the dog situation has to come first and once the dust settles on that thne you can decide how you can move forward. I sorta agree with Rocked and Lotus if you come over too hard she is going to freak about you controlling her.
Perhaps over the next few days you can think about how/what you can say/do to get transparency over her laptop use.
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W 47 H 47 M 24 T 30
Once lost but now found and happily married again!
ALL - interesting debate going on. First off, I'm not convinced one way or the other on the EA still raging on. Here's why - this late night computer activity has only been 2 of the last 7 nights and it is during last couple days with dog. Second, time of night for OM (remember he was W and 3 kids) would be between 2 and 5:30 AM his time. If OM2 exists, I'm telling you it would be purely some on-line thing. A few weeks ago, I would have convinced EA with OM still going strong, not as sure these days.
Initial thoughts is W would freak and view as controlling/another sign of no trust, but I'll re-read this all later with fresh brain. She will say she just needs space and she is always on the laptop, so it is natural to have computer with her.
I do need to let things settle. We put dog down a couple of hours ago. W did let me hold her a little, not sure if she wanted it or just allowing me to grieve. Also, this weekend is our family mini-vacation with 2 nights in a condo skiing.
More things to mull over, I appreciate everyone's interest/thoughts/advice. I have no idea how to get transparency...I have tried before, couldn't get it.
M39 W41 Two children WAW bomb dropped 11/7/09 Piecing Aug 10 - Nov 10 No longer piecing...Nov 10 Separation Jan 11 EA ends again Feb 11 Piecing attempt #2, Mar 11
[quote]get a packet sniffer installed on YOUR machine - you can then grab all wireless packets coming across your router to analyze. Some packet sniffers are already setup out of the box to grab all the standard chat conversations - MSN, AIM, etc. /quote]
This is interests me...this would answer the questions on what is W doing if late night computer activity continues. There is no history to look at, W smarter than that now, cause that is how I caught a lot of past activity. She uses firefox and private browsing. What are names of such packet sniffers, how much do they tell you? Yes it is all wireless. I suspect if chats going on it is on Skype or Yahoo if same OM.
M39 W41 Two children WAW bomb dropped 11/7/09 Piecing Aug 10 - Nov 10 No longer piecing...Nov 10 Separation Jan 11 EA ends again Feb 11 Piecing attempt #2, Mar 11
Thanks Rocked - will check out that thread later. Not in mood right now and W is only a few feet away so now not a good time. We decided to take another day off of work - can't really work right now, luckily I anticipated this and had things set up accordingly. Appreciate the virtual hugs.
M39 W41 Two children WAW bomb dropped 11/7/09 Piecing Aug 10 - Nov 10 No longer piecing...Nov 10 Separation Jan 11 EA ends again Feb 11 Piecing attempt #2, Mar 11
So what do you suggest he do Lotus? He has tried the passive ways and she just keeps disrespecting him. You know as well as I do what's going on.
The example I gave him describes how he feels when she does this behavior. If she continues to do it, then he can decide to go to all night bars or have an A or whatever he wants, but why should she get to make his life miserable while she plays around?
It is not about what you feel should work in your M. It is about doing the work that gets the right results. Do what works!
Here's why - this late night computer activity has only been 2 of the last 7 nights and it is during last couple days with dog.
Well, if I misunderstood, then my bad. I thought you had mentioned several times about her being on the computer while down in the basement or in her room....instead of being with the family (and especially you).
I may not have set the best example of a boundary (after all I am the AWAW), but it was only an example.
I do believe men need to stand up to their W's.....if they want and expect to be respected by her, and if that is seen as "controlling" by her then that's too bad. That is why people have choices. She can choose to respect your wishes and abide by a boundary, or she can leave. Yes, it is her house, so does that mean you can bring in a woman or have an A right under her nose? Not if you respect her, you wouldn't. It goes both ways, and I bet she'd let you know a few boudaries if you ever tried to have an A.
I have seen over and over how you fear your W getting angry and "freaking out" when she doesn't like something. You walk around on egg shells all the time b/c you don't want to put her in a mood. Talk about CONTROL, what do you think she has been doing to you? She controls her entire family with her threat of being in a bad mood.
Well, I think she has ran the ship so long that you are the one who is sunk now b/c she isn't going to give it up.
It is not about what you feel should work in your M. It is about doing the work that gets the right results. Do what works!
Sandi - you didn't misunderstand, its just complicated like everything. In the past, it was every night on the computer, locked away, and supposedly doing work. I have no reason to believe it wasn't work--there was that much for her to do. Then W's job calmed down and since then, it has only been the 2 nights this past weekend. And could it have been the dog, yes. Could it have been OM, yes.
W's an emotional wreck tonight and I'm just off and in bad mood because of today. So I don't know if anything I say is reasonable or not and I'm trying to tell myself to ignore anything from W for same reasons, but its hard. Today I have experienced periods where the wall was up and fortified, I have experienced times where there were a couple of bricks down, and once for about 2-3 minutes, the wall was at least half way down if not all the way down and she opened up about how she felt about the dog. Now she is crying and wants to be alone and deal with it in her own way. I have no idea if I should believe her or not. She took the camera to download pictures to the computer in the basement. She asked me when I wanted to go to bed, I said does it really matter, normally when you go down there you stay there till late and when you feel like it anyways. That response caught her off guard--she didn't know what to say. The answer didn't sit well with her, but I think it needed to be said, probably not tonight, but it came out. Just kind of tense right now.
In the past I have feared W's reactions and it took all this for me to see that you are right, it has and was controlling me. I don't fear the reactions any more. I might not want to potentially ruin a weekend for my kids but I don't fear them any more. If anything, I've learned how effective me standing up for myself is.
What I do think is without some evidence of contact with OM, that setting the boundary will not be very effective. I don't have anything other than suspicions and right now with the raging emotions of the last few days...who knows.
Please don't get me wrong. I appreciate your help, your thoughts, I need those. I rely on those right now.
She has run the ship for a long time in a way. In others, especially financially and maybe career decisions, she would tell you that I have been controlling...and that is probably accurate. In fact, I've thought about the financial aspect lately. Am I allowing cake eating by continuing to handle all the finances? I have always done it, I am good at it, W is scared of it, but we are still living under the same roof and supporting the same kids so would it make any sense at all to start splitting things into separate accounts and such? Just kind of rambling now. I should probably stop typing. Going to look up some packet sniffer stuff.
M39 W41 Two children WAW bomb dropped 11/7/09 Piecing Aug 10 - Nov 10 No longer piecing...Nov 10 Separation Jan 11 EA ends again Feb 11 Piecing attempt #2, Mar 11
Without evidence it would not be helpful to set a boundary like that. However, if he had real evidence things would be different. What do I recommend? I suspect the EA is still going on, but I don't know that. I think i would recommend making good on the threat to inform OM's W. But I would like some evidence to make a major step. Still, I think no new boundaries are necessary, as the first consequence, which they seemed to fear, has not been administered.
I saw some good advice on Kalni's thread. Someone pointed out that people who have nothing to hide, hide nothing. She suggested that K tell her husband that the suspicion is too much for her and she needs his computer password "right now". K did it and got the password. I wonder how that would go if GW tried it....
