A Choice

[sandi2]

Coach....

I have read many if not just about everything you have posted.

My friend... you are one class act... KEEP DOING WHAT YOU DO!

Ain't it the truth!!

[patpat]

(((S2)))

I just got in and there you are..... YEAH!

[Gnosis]

Pat haven't commented on your thread and have only lightly breezed through it. You're doing very well, keep it up.

[flowmom]

Patpat, thanks for your replies to me...they help me to understand. Sorry I didn't follow up earlier.

I think that you are right to enforce the boundary of your W not contacting the OM.

Me.... Boundaries. W can give up OM. Me.... Boundaries..... W is having a hard time giving up our best friends of the last 15 years. These folks (our so called friends) let my W sleep with OM in their house. They (our friends) are a source and constent reminder of the pain I have been feeling. I do not want them in my life. I will not have that. She wants to keep them as friends. Can't reconcile this way. her sister and mother.... [censored] is deep. They too have allow this behavior. Me.... Boundaries. I do not want nor will I accept mother or sister in MY LIFE. W needs to choose. She thinks I am unfair. I told her she damaged these relationships when she chose OM and went 100% public with A.

I'm sorry, I haven't read the whole background of your sitch so I'm sure I'm missing some of the context here. I think it's inappropriate for you to ask your W to discontinue relationships with her mother, her sister, and multiple friends! Contact with the OM is inappropriate, but it's up to your W to manage the other relationships in her life. If those relationships are toxic, she has to realize herself what's at stake and choose to do whatever it takes to be in the M with you. But I think that you are making a mistake by insisting that she cut out what to her is a vital support system. You may not realize what you are asking her to do because support people tend not to play as large a role in men's lives as in women's lives. Giving and receiving support allows women to release oxytocin, which is the love hormone. Your W needs to come to the M as a free agent, and your attempts to control how she gets to the place of being able to meet you halfway seem like they are likely to backfire. Your feelings towards the people in your W's life are understandable, but they are not the ones who truly hurt you, your W is. I apologize if I have it all wrong.

[Lotus]

I agree with Flowmom. I can see getting an apology from these people that they allowed her to do that in their homes, and a promise that they won't do that again. But I can't see making her sever ties with her own family to come back to you. That is going to far. Forgiveness is an important part of a marital relationship. You are not really forgiving, you are holding grudges.

[TrentC]

Forgiveness is an important part of a marital relationship. You are not really forgiving, you are holding grudges.

In a recent sermon at church, it was pointed out that forgiving someone means you are giving up the right to seek retribution for the harm they did to you. It means that you are choosing to accept that imbalance in your life.

[patpat]

(((flowmom))))

You do not have it wrong. Your assessment is right on the money. I did set those boundaries for W and her possible return (someday). BUT since then, have prayed over it. I have come almost to the same conclusion.

W chose to hurt. Others (in her life) chose to support her the best they knew how based on sitch she presented. I do understand this.

But the friends I speak of.... def out of the pic. I rather have the OM as a friend then them. At least I can understand why he is doing what he is doing; as wrong as it may be.

No, I changed up. Just OM and W and my 2 closest friends (need I say in the world) ARE OUT! Not moving on this one and one day I will explain more.

MIL and SIL I have in my own way forgiving and will accept them in household and not make wife choose over them...

Ya know, someone (I think Coach) 2x4ed me one time telling me not to be afraid to act, because I was afraid to push W away. They told me why be afraid...SHE IS ALREADY GONE!

I have come to terms with that. I also am leaving the door open. You are right about one thing..... I can not make her come back. She will have to chose this on her own. I am not try to control how she comes back, merely letting her know what to exspect from me and what I will and will not accept. She can chose. At htis point, I see myself in a win win senario.

I am ok at this stage in my sitch. I will have my moments. Won't we all from time to time. But I am ok. If she comes back and wants to work on the M, I know it is because of the M and myself.... and of her own free will that she does so. If she does not, I am right here where I am today. At this point, I have nothing to loose and everything to gain.

And if I know nothing else, I know at least this much. I will not loose my new found self respect...

I love my W more than the blood that flows thru these veins, and would give up everything to hold her hand just one more time and feel the love we have shared and oneday may again... but I will not gives others the satisfaction.... the R's she has trashed at my expense. OM and closest friends are a source of pain for me. I will not accept them even at the cost of regaining that which I cherish most.

I do not believe I am capable of not loving my little chipmunk, as she will always be... I just may have to do it queitly, from a distance and alone.

I may meet someone new and move on.... who knows, may already have.... and just not realized it yet.

And flow, no apologies.... you don't have it all wrong. You are spot on. I may be the one who has it wrong.... but we all do in our own sitches it seems... it takes others to bring the light and time to embrace the answer. Looking in from the outside helps to heal, and you and everyone else here are a part of that for me. So, I appreciate you, and everyone else for all the comments, advice, support, praise and jokes. It is needed, it helps, and that is why I love everyone here.

Thanks flow.... I will check in on you soon....

[patpat]

I agree.... I was mad at them when I wrote that stuff. mad when I told W those things but there is more I have not shared yet and will soon about these people.

It is a mess to be sure....

[patpat]

forgiving someone means you are giving up the right to seek retribution for the harm they did to you. It means that you are choosing to accept that imbalance in your life.

See flowmom.... this is exactly what I was talking about earlier. It takes a look from the outside to present the answer. Or better yet, an answer that one can truly understand.

Trent.... this does it for me. I can "chose to accept that imbalance in my life" and I will. I am strong enough to do so.

I will call W in the morning ...

Thanks flow, Lotus and Thank you Trent

[patpat]

It does not matter what they have done... I was holding on to this pain. I was looking for someone to blame. This is and was wrong of me....

I will find a way to heal these relationships....

'cept OM of course!