#2: WAH separated from us & I'm on the DBing path

[flowmom]

I am feeling the need to identify, name, and confess to my sins in the marriage. H had legitimate beefs with me, but I didn't really know how to address them. I tried, but I don't think that I understood in enough detail how my behaviours contributed to his unhappiness in the M.

I am reading a book that was recommended to me here: how to improve your marriage without talking about it. It says that the worst thing a woman can do to a man in a M is to evoke shame in him.

It's a reality check for me, and I'm feeling a lot of remorse about my part in ending our M.

Here's a checklist from the book...I've highlighted in red my "sins".

I exclude him from important decisions.
I don't always give him a chance to help.
I correct things he says.
I question his judgment.
I give him unsolicited advice.
I suggest how he should feel.
I ignore his advice.
I imply that he's inadequate in certain areas.
I'm often in a bad mood.
I think that he should at least match my use of time
and energy.
When he says I overreact, I think that he just doesn't
get it.
I ignore his needs that I think aren't important.
I focus on what I don't have instead of what I have.
I withhold praise hecause I think he doesn't really deserve
it or because I don't want him to get a big head.
I use a harsh tone to get through to him.
I pay more attention to other people's needs than to his.
I undermine his wishes.
I am condescending to him.
I lack respect for his work.
I show little interest in his interests.
I criticize his family.
I interpret the "real meaning" of what he says and does.
I compare him to other men or, worse, to my girlfriends.
I don't take his point of view seriously.
I believe he just can't see my unhappiness.
I think he fails to make me happy.
If I'm unhappy, I tell him that he must be unhappy, too.
I roll my eyes when I think of some of the things he says and does.
He says I give him "the look."
I am sometimes sarcastic to make my point or express
my dissatisfaction with his behavior.
I use ridicule to get through to him.
I usually have a "better way" of doing things.
Sometimes I think he's a jerk.
I have to tell him what he's doing wrong.
I tell him that he never helps me enough.
He can't handle my feelings.
I believe that if his childhood or previous relationships were different, we wouldn't have these problems.
I think that I understand relationships better than he does.
I think I do more than he does.
My friends treat me better than he does.
He disappoints me.

From the book:

When a woman criticizes a man, whether she does it deliberately or not, she makes it impossible for him to feel connected to her. Where there is a withdrawn or silent man, there is usually a critical woman.

I really want to send this the checklist to H, just to apologize and let him know that I understand why he's been so unhappy that he felt he had to leave. I wouldn't reassure him that I'll change or anything, just leave it at that.