Are regrets when you end a separation normal?

[Onthemountaintop]

Thanks! This builds love. Any ideas on how to help me respect her more?

[flowmom]

OTMT, I applaud you for looking at your own issues here.

Any ideas on how to help me respect her more?

My H doesn't respect me. I think some reasons are:

• he has become a lot more image conscious due to his success in business (he has made a name for himself) and he is spending more time with superficial people -- as a unfit, overwhelmed, sleep-deprived stay at home mom I don't fit the mold of what people around him value and respect...the things that he used to value in me don't seem as important to him now
• he has really high standards for others (other-oriented perfectionism) and himself...I think he projects his expectations of himself onto me, and of course I disappoint
• he doesn't respect his mother and he projects that onto women in general

I think that respect begins with oneself, and then extends outwards. I think that if you really dig, you'll find that lack of respect for yourself is at the root of your lack of respect for your wife.

Sometimes you have to trick your mind into looking at things from a different perspective. Can you write down 5 things that you respect about your W?

[june72]

OK, I guess I should ask... what are the reasons for you not respecting her?

[Onthemountaintop]

I respect:

[list]
[*]Her care with money
[*]She has changed somewhat over the years
[*]She has accepted moving place to place with me during my first few years teaching
[*]She cooks/cleans/etc. (stay at home, but our religion tells us that she doesn't have to do these unless both parties agree)
[*]She cares about our kids

The list was simple, but hard. Each time I began writing, I found something that negated what I respected. For example, I was going to write charitable, but then she does that to the point of self-sacrifice and will even risk her health for really little things.

Some reasons I have problems showing my W respect are:
- I've tried not to be 'image conscious'. When she said that she felt odd next to me being 4 11 and me 5 11, I said that I felt we 'fit' together well. I really thought that true in public places. In private, her height is kind of uncomfortable. So I guess I'm saying in public, it is not the look, it is the who underneath. I want to feel I have a skilled, smart woman by my side. I don't feel that way. I want to feel that way about her, but I don't know how to develop that~

- Part of this is my standards for her. I find it hard to say, 'well, she grew up in different circumstances, so I should accept that she can't do even fairly simple math at the store'. I should accept them, I know. How?

Should I have a longer list of things I respect? Should I try to "teach" or develop her into someone with skills or whatever that I can respect?

[june72]

OK< I really am not understanding this???
Why do you not respect her?
Something about height?
You do not think she is skilled or smart?
She is poor at math?

Are you serious?

I think instead of trying to change her you should change you. Love the person that she is. No one ever is "perfect" to the other person. There is always flaws/

I am really baffled here..

You think she is unintelligent and you are superior in intellect, is that it?

[Onthemountaintop]

OK, I guess I should ask... what are the reasons for you not respecting her?

I'm coming to realize that while I love the idea of being M, and love her like I would for anyone with me, my lack of respect for her is a big prob. That's probably why many of my lists/thoughts tend to talk about her more than they should. I can build love, I can improve communication, but how do I improve respect?

I don't respect:
- she doesn't take care of herself physically (95 lbs, 100 when preg)
- when fighting, she fights 'unfairly' (this might change, self-esteem issues)
- we have some important religious differences (she has grown less connected)
- she sees the world very differently. (She was upper-middle class in her country, but it took her six years to really accept that most others were struggling)
- skill and knowledge gaps
- she will agree to what she doesn't believe.
- overall, she is very, very dependant on me for so many things
- she is oversensitive, more than most women I've known, so she is hurt and hurts so quickly

I really need solutions to find respect for her. I'm trying to make a list each day of things that I liked that she did. Anything else?

[flowmom]

I think instead of trying to change her you should change you. Love the person that she is. No one ever is "perfect" to the other person. There is always flaws

I totally agree.

[june72]

Do you know how controlling this sounds in a way?

YOu don't respect her b/c you are behaving arrogantly. Love her in a "godly" way. Do not try to "improve her"

You are clueless as to women- all women are very emotional- usually only the husband see how emotional they are b/c they share their most intiamte feels with tier hubby.

Maybe she fights unfairly- hopefully she will learn new ways...

Has she seen a doctor about her weight? Maybe she has hyperthyroidism...

[june72]

BTW,
95 lbs is a normal weight for someone who is 4'11''. Check the BMI index- it is not underweight.....

Gosh...

[Onthemountaintop]

You think she is unintelligent and you are superior in intellect, is that it?

A lot of the intellegence gap might be just from language differences (she's ESL), but there is a gap. Superior, no, but a noticible gap.

I KNOW I should just love her. Is that realistic, though? How do you love what you do not love? If I make a joke, she usually doesn't get it. Others I know have no problem. If I explain a situation/problem, others get it. She often doesn't. Worst off, I think, is that she doesn't love learning, so she isn't building her knowledge/skill, except by experience.

Is she attractive (height, etc.). I know now that I can be attracted to her when we are connecting well. Is she attractive? To me, no. I want to be attracted to her, but I'm starting to think respecting her might be the key. Her height I can deal with. Her face and body falling to peices because she doesn't eat properly, won't buy nice clothes for herself (etc) are harder to accept. Not because she IS that way, but because she doesn't care. How many women don't dress up and try to look beautiful (for themselves first, for their spouse second of course)? It is hard to respect someone who doesn't respect herself.