No need to apologize . There have been quite a few nice chats about parenting stuff and there has been some connectedness around that. But H is being frank about his intention to date and evasive about his activities...I'm finding that to be a big trigger for my grief.
me: 42 | STBXH: 41 | T: 18 | M: 10 | separation: Jan 3, 2010 | they deserve better: S7 & D4 current thread: http://tinyurl.com/3y8sxcp .: first breathe, then heal, then start LIVING :.
In a way, this is what you are striving for. Detachment. No expectations. Dropping the rope. Acceptance.
No one ever said it would be easy. And yes, you are entitled to have your down moments. Just don't let these moments stretch into hours or days. Achieving the above doesn't mean you shut out all emotions. It just means you focus on you and become that much stronger.
I know it is hard. The Lord knows that I have been there. That I am still there. It is a place I don't choose to be, but am growing and making the best of a bad sitch.
You can do this. And when the dust settles you can hold your head high regardless of the outcome.
(((MB))) (((Flow)))
Me & H: 33 yrs S: 4 & 6 D: 2 M: 9 yrs ILYBNILWY: 8/09 SEPARATED: 9/09 The Beginning
No need to apologize . There have been quite a few nice chats about parenting stuff and there has been some connectedness around that. But H is being frank about his intention to date and evasive about his activities...I'm finding that to be a big trigger for my grief.
Sorry, but I would have to find out- some way, some how. It is a big factor in everything. If he is eager to date. How does that change things for you?
M38, H37 S3, S7 Together 15 yrs Married 8 yrs Bomb July 2008 Inhouse separation "I hate you" "We are over" (too many times to count) Reconciled Sept 2009 (still worth it)
just brought me down. I hate that he can have this affect on me. Sometimes I wish I was the WAS!!!!
Well, that's what Robx has been preaching -- shouting from the rooftops, actually! -- ad nauseum on the board for MONTHS now, but no one's listening to him.
It's only when the Betrayed Spouse becomes the Walkaway Spouse that the dynamic will change.
OMG, so true Puppy, After my "no one would blame me for Ding you" speech to hubby. He had a sudden turnaround.
Not saying it will work for all..
M38, H37 S3, S7 Together 15 yrs Married 8 yrs Bomb July 2008 Inhouse separation "I hate you" "We are over" (too many times to count) Reconciled Sept 2009 (still worth it)
In my sitch I was actually the WAS by attitutde initially- I knew my needs weren't getting met so I met them elsewhere- a little bit of an EA which I termintaed.
As soon as W became the WAS- I was all about the marriage- actually I devoted myself a week prior when I ended the EA.
So now I am getting back the WAS attitude and lifestyle- my needs are not getting met and I am responsible for them- not W.
work in progress. But hopefully my experience above shows the dynamic shift that should occur.
Yes, yes, yes! I was basically the WAS for years. My needs were not being met at all and my hubby refused MC again and again. I started talking a lot about separation and D since I felt I was in an emotionally and verbally abusive M. (you can only put up with Dumbass name calling etc for so long) He felt the same, although I have my doubts- I think he was just throwing that back at me, I will take his word on it though....
Then he suddenly panicked seeing I was starting to get real serious- asked (finally!) for MC but things were not getting better. [Very BAD MC]
He suddenly had it. And stated he was done! I totally panicked b/c I would hate to do this to my kids and I saw he had been making efforts. I think I was just too hardened by the time MC hit. So role reversal...
Had a long in house separation. 14 months. I was slowly pulling him back, DBing, GAling, etc. But he was enjoying my supplicating too much I think. We basically were back to being a married couple yet if I had a R talk it was "I still hate you" yada, yada.
I decided that I had enough- if a year of showing the new me wasn't enough that he was not worth it. I started dropping hints that I have had enough. We then had a talk about what to do if one of us died. Kids, etc. I stated I would miss him dearly, he was/is the love of my life, etc. He stated he did not feel that way at all. He would be sad for the kids that's it.
Well, I really, really had it! I mean the guy was having sex with me, enjoying a wife and mom in the house, etc.
I let him know that it was all a big mistake- marrying him, sticking it out. That I will eventually D him in the future and tell everyone the truth that [his words] "he no longer loved me", that he quit counseling and I kept going that I was reading marriage books.
I would D and have peace in my heart. No regrets. If he hated me I was going to eventually (when I had the money and youngest in school) D and never look back. I meant it will all my heart and soul.
Look who suddenly caved- ha!
We have both- put this cr@p is behind us. He or I threaten D or separation- it's done. Really, really done. I will never look into a D or separation b/c he is now actually working on himself and the marriage. He has definitely changed. I have definitely changed also, but I will not, I will not put up with CR@P! No I won't, neither will he. He knows it and I know it...
Sorry for the complete and total hijack.
I have said my piece.
Last edited by june72; 02/09/1002:52 PM.
M38, H37 S3, S7 Together 15 yrs Married 8 yrs Bomb July 2008 Inhouse separation "I hate you" "We are over" (too many times to count) Reconciled Sept 2009 (still worth it)
BTW, pre-MC I was at the point where I thought an affair would be justified. And someday might persue one if I really was left with no alternative. I didn't want to hurt the kids but my hubby was having 2 minute, unenjoyable sex with me (that has changed now substantially), totally ignoring me and would act like I was the stupidest ugliest person on the planet.
My reason was that he is actually mean and when I try to talk to him about my hurt and feelings he would turn it on to me and get really nasty.
I didn't want to hurt my kids with a D though. Or leave them alone with him for weekends b/c I thought he was going overboard with discipline. I though if I could find my happiness elsewhere with a secret person- maybe I could stick it out in the marriage. Since I was so hurt and sad by him. Since I was too fat, too disgusting, too idiotic, etc.'
Just to give a little perspective that most people do not see on here...
I was always faithful and never ever cheated. I don't know if I actually could have ever done such a thing but I think my heart was considering it....considering the neglect I was getting at home...
BTW, he is now on anti-anxiety drugs and it helps greatly. He does not flip out like he used to.
Last edited by june72; 02/09/1002:59 PM.
M38, H37 S3, S7 Together 15 yrs Married 8 yrs Bomb July 2008 Inhouse separation "I hate you" "We are over" (too many times to count) Reconciled Sept 2009 (still worth it)
. There have been quite a few nice chats about parenting stuff and there has been some connectedness around that. But H is being frank about his intention to date and evasive about his activities...I'm finding that to be a big trigger for my grief.