My IC pointed out to me that rescuing and fixing behaviors are actually controlling behaviors... and, yes, very much like a parent. At some of the worst points of our sitch, my H would accuse me of being like his mother, which hurt so deeply. His mother is a person who has huge anger issues and is not very emotionally healthy. Never, in our 19 years of M did he ever before accuse me of this. I talked with his sister about it at the time and she was appalled, as her perspective is that, personality wise I am about as different from their mother as anyone could be. OW is actually much more like their mother. But, in talking since, my H was able to say that he was feeling like I was "mothering" him at the time. Very different!
I've been guilty of "mothering" H too much, and unfortunately I've pulled down on myself all of H's mother issues. I'm not anything like his mother, but I invited that by stepping into a mothering role with him. I really lost track of what a wife's role is vs. a mothering role. I guess to an H, he can't see us as a W when we are acting like a mother. Even now, I find myself having urges to caretake H. I think I need to really let go. If we were still together I would work on cultivating the belief that he can take care of himself, and I think that projecting my confidence in his own abilities in that area would be more supportive than all my "helping".
take care.
me: 42 | STBXH: 41 | T: 18 | M: 10 | separation: Jan 3, 2010 | they deserve better: S7 & D4 current thread: http://tinyurl.com/3y8sxcp .: first breathe, then heal, then start LIVING :.
