Hey, nice to see a familiar face (yeah, with the attendant sorrow at seeing we're both still here). I fondly remember all those folks, and the Daves as well. What you say is very true. One reason I stayed away from here the past few years is because it sort of became like a drug, I couldn't trust exactly why I was here. I'm sure some part of me wanted to join the pity-party and have someone tell me it's gonna be okay, and some part of me wanted to watch the show. I do recall, however, that there was a lot of genuine support, and a lot of really great advice.
Like you, I'm now older, and probably not much wiser, but I am definitely more ready to take responsibility for what I want. I will readily admit that I'm as much responsible for my current sitch as W is. I've been every bit as good at avoidance behaviors as she has, and probably for many of the same reasons. I just was NOT ready to risk it all to take a stand. I do think I am ready for that now. As far as what's the C for? No, I don't need a referee, but since we've been on autopilot again for the past few years, and our past two efforts with counselors were unsatisfactory, I guess I just want one more kick at the can, just so I can say I did indeed try everything. Maybe that's cowardly, I dunno. Truth is, there's a BIG part of me even now that's scared that it'd be a HUGE mistake to end the marriage before I'm REALLY sure there's nothing else to do. I'll also admit that if I were reading those words written by someone else, I'd probably be quick to say "No-brainer, Bro..." especially knowing all the history. The past few weeks, while waiting for this next session, I've been going back and reviewing the past 10 years, and I really am starting to feel like a chump for hanging on. The pattern really becomes evident in hindsight, and it's not pretty.
As for resentment, that's the funny thing - I don't sit around and dwell on it or mope around. If we have a "real" moment, where we're being ourselves with each other, it doesn't get in the way. But when she once again confirms that she just doesn't see sex as important to her in any way, then yeah, I do feel it, and I do allow myself some bitterness, but that's why I don't spend much time dwelling on it as a rule. But I can easily see how it could destroy me, if I let it, so I won't. That's why I've got to hold out this time for the marriage I ultimately want, without compromise, knowing there may be no marriage at the end, at least with this woman.
