arrrrgg,I spent today trying to finish financial paperwork for my lawyers. I would much rather have watched the game (even with the eventual outcome). Out of necessity, I stayed in my bedroom with the laptop and all my papers trying to find all the remaining information.
With two days to go, it's 2:10 a.m. and I just now finished up yet another round of D paperwork (online to/from Mediator, actually). "arrrrggg" is right!
Gardener
"My soul, be satisfied with flowers, With fruit, with weeds even; but gather them In the one garden you may call your own." Cyrano deBergerac
I can't believe I've been going through this crap for well over three months. It seems like an eternity, but I realize so many of you have been here much, much longer. I realize I'm going be dealing with this for a very long time.
Today I'm just so tired. Just when I feel like I'm getting stronger, I fall back into panic, fear, and despair.
It's the seeming little things, that I shouldn't worry about, that seem to set me back the most. Today, W asked about my schedule two weekends from now. She is planning on more saturdays sleeping away from home. I can't help but assume there is another OM. But why should I care?!? I'm really ready to move on, ready for my own life. Right now we are stuck in the same house. I so wish I could just get the divorce done with, and yet I'm still grieving. Why would I still want this woman?
Or, this morning, I realized that I was feeling particularly down. I was unlikely to ever share another superbowl sunday with my W, I didn't share it with her last night, and I likely didn't share enough with her during our M.
I know this is just a big self-pity party I'm having. I know what I need to do: I need to keep on with GAL. It's just so hard to do it while we are in the same house together, and I'm so tired.
M:42|W:40|D:17|S:13|Bomb:10/23/09 Awoken's Current Thread
So after a night of no sleep, I've regressed from feeling sorry for myself, into the old feelings of panic and impatience!
W blocked me on facebook, and it's actually been a relief not to see her little updates show up on my page anymore. I got a facebook message last night from a friend that is still mutual friends with W, she asked if W had found a new boyfriend. She had posted something on her page about "closing one door and another one opens!". It could mean nothing.
But then I'm back to obsessing about W's insistence on having her own private cellphone, and now sleeping away from home on some saturdays. There must be OM, maybe the same one from the start. I feel like this is being rubbed in my face, and I just have to wait it out. Powerless and frustrated! I want to kick her out of the house, but I don't see how. I want to confront her and tell her I know what's up and and I don't want her anyway. These are the petty thoughts that nagged at me all night keeping me from sleeping.
Why do I care!?!? I'm getting divorced anyway.
C'mon friends. Talk some sense into me please!
M:42|W:40|D:17|S:13|Bomb:10/23/09 Awoken's Current Thread
Because you meant it when you said "I do." You care. And that's ok.
Work through the emotions. Everything you are describing is normal. And, I'm living the hurt, pain, anger, resentment cycle myself. And in the same house with stbxw. So, I know.
Recognize what you are feeling, let the emotions out, then get your focus back where it belongs - on YOU and your new future. I am doing this as well. I realized yesterday after getting some very good advice from a friend that I have allowed my focus turn back to my stbxw and whay she won'y work on the M, etc. My focus needs to be on me and moving forward. Focus on positive things and not the negatives from the past.
I agree, your hurt is totally justifiable, GAL your butt off.
M38, H37 S3, S7 Together 15 yrs Married 8 yrs Bomb July 2008 Inhouse separation "I hate you" "We are over" (too many times to count) Reconciled Sept 2009 (still worth it)
Thanks GIMA, luvless, June; It's good to log in for a few minutes and get some support.
Yes, I need to move the focus back on me. I leave town early Thursday morning, and I'll have a good 4-5 days away from my sitch doing something I love with people I love. That should help some. I'll use the time to get my head back together too.
I've been thinking about this all morning; I really couldn't keep from it. I'm just gonna get it out of my system/mind.
There is some sharp irony here: The idea of the OM actually fuels my hope in the strangest way. I think I had assumed the OM was out of the picture. But now, with all the talk of busting affairs her in the forums, I can't help but think: what if I had busted this A, what if I try to bust it now? Would it change the outcome at all?
Then my worst fear comes out: my son calling another man "dad". What ridiculous speculation! I know, there's nothing I can do about this, and I just need to move on and work on myself.
Pardon my complaining today; I'm sure I sound just like my first posts here. However, posting here is keeping me from texting, calling, planing any kind of contact with W about this.
M:42|W:40|D:17|S:13|Bomb:10/23/09 Awoken's Current Thread
I don't know how much longer we'll be in the same house. I work from home 2-3 days a week, and neither of us have enough cash to but the other out of the equity in the home. My L says stay in the home. My IC yesterday says it will be best if we get separated as soon as possible.
I'm guessing it would be at least another 3 months?!?!
M:42|W:40|D:17|S:13|Bomb:10/23/09 Awoken's Current Thread
We have set up a schedule: M and W is supposed to be my night home with the kids. T and Th are supposed to her nights. We negotiate each weekend.
I've been staying away from the home on T/Th until late at night. However, W has started coming home early on M and W, and interacting with us. I haven't said anything about it so far. I hardly want to interrupt her when she talking to the kids and say "ahem, it's MY night!", but that's how I feel.
This is a boundary I should set; how do I state it? how do I go about it?
M:42|W:40|D:17|S:13|Bomb:10/23/09 Awoken's Current Thread
