Marriage Downgraded to Good Friends on 2/5/10

[Ready2Change]

Mike,

The illusion of M is over. If you want to keep your family together, you need to stand up to your wife.

You wife has lost respect for you. If a woman does not respect you, then she can not love you. You have a lot of work to gain her respect. It will not happen over night. It starts by setting boundaries.

The ones RobX wrote for you are stellar. Memorize them. Then calmly say them to W.

[tryingtilDorR]

I totally agree. Respect is the key. Mine respected me primarily because I was a good provider, but that only goes so far. I hit a speed bump in my career and my almost-WAW turned into a full-blown WAW. All this made me realize that a paycheck doesn't define a complete man. I was focused on that aspect of myself and there were a lot of other things I needed to focus on to keep my W's attention.

It sucks and we spend a lot of time feeling sorry for ourself because it just doesn't seem fair, but at the end of the day the basic laws of attraction end up being important, especially if your W is going through some sort of chemically-driven MLC or something.

Read No More Mr. Nice Guy, which covers this area very well and is short and to the point.

[Ready2Change]

Mike in Jax - I learned the lesson Robx is teaching you the hard way...tried to be a 'better option' and I think we misinterpret that. Be someone she respects, whatever that means, as your top priority.

You are no longer attractive in her eyes. Standing up to her will make you more attractive. She will need to "feel the pain" of her irresponsible decisions. Set your boundaries. Then follow though with your actions.

[Ready2Change]

It has been my observation that the rejected spouse always pursues the spouse that walks.

So right now, you have a choice to make. You can ignore the advise we give you and be the rejected spouse, or you can listen to our advise and reject your wife and have her pursue you while YOU DECIDE IF YOU WANT TO BE WITH HER.

[Mike in Jax]

It has been my observation that the rejected spouse always pursues the spouse that walks.

So right now, you have a choice to make. You can ignore the advise we give you and be the rejected spouse, or you can listen to our advise and reject your wife and have her pursue you while YOU DECIDE IF YOU WANT TO BE WITH HER.

what did I want by posting here?

this post sums it up.

Thanks for the perspective - I have some reading and learning to do.

[gucci loafer]

Every day I would point out to her that she gave up on me - essentially firing me.

So, when you get fired from a job do you keep begging the boss to take you back?

Of course not... That would make you look silly.

You need to get into the right mindset here..



Women are attracted to confident men. Number one thing here then is confidence. A quiet air of confidence through this.
It sounds like you have been a fairly good provider and just got caught up in the everyday hum drums of life.

You need to have the confidencee to understand that while your wife may be thinking the grass is greener... IT ISN'T.. The new guy will someday be doing the same things you have done. It is a natural part of a relationship. Sometimes boredom sets in.(Your wife has been bored and this has charged her batteries)

So, the question is how do you handle this?

Same as you would a job you got fired from.

You let her go. No begging. Accept the way she feels. Just as you told her you probably wouldn't be able to quit smoking right away, the same goes for her in not being able to give up her new habit (him).. It will be useless for you to even try to get her to change her mind..

Agree with her just like this...

.."Ok honey, I got the message. You aren't in love with me anymore. I got it. You want to be friends only. I get it. Friends is just fine with me. Maybe being friends only is the best thing for us both. I have done some thinking and I have decided that although we can stay as friends, that I don't want to be married to a woman or even exclusively date a woman who can't or won't be faithful. So, with that said, I have decided that I think it would be best that we remain as friends, but I think that since we are "separated" as husband and wife, that you should find yourself another place to live. I will NOT live with a woman who is my wife that is involved with another man. I understand that I have made mistakes to get us where we are, but I believe that for the time being this would be for the best"

And THEN.. You follow up on what you told her. She should find another place of her own to sort this out... There is nothing like someone having to face the reality of what they are doing to help them to come to their senses...


You promise her NOTHING.... In the meantime..You are nice to her but don't offer anything more than friendship. (and distant friends at that) You don't act angry. (except to call her behavior exactly what it is UNACCEPTABLE) You are not punitive, but you offer her nothing.. You improve yourself. Stay active in hobbies, go out with friends and have some me time and some fun and let HER come to you.

THAT is how you will get her back..

You WILL NOT see this working if you are going to enable.
It will also not work to act all mad and upset and apologetic and wimpy.. STRONG, CONFIDENT, FIRM... RESOLVED..

In other words.."If he is what you want honey.. Knock yourself out. I may or may not be around if you have made mistake. It was nice while it lasted, but I am moving on down the road. I heard what you have told me and believe me I GET IT...

Do that routine for a couple of months and you will be pleasantly surprised to see her slowly coming back. When she does.. STAND STRONG...


Listen to Rob and Gucci. We know what we are talking about.. This is what works.

[Ready2Change]

It is very important to project a new attitude:

Happy (Smile-Just think of the happiest moment in you life),Cool(Be very aware of your body language ;open,relaxed),Calm(Slow deep tone)Confident(Maintain strong eye contact),Mysterious(Do not explain any of your actions),sincere,interesting,engaging, Top this off with good grooming, dressing with style)

And if you are interacting with other woman:

humorous(Make her laugh),seductive(ozz sex that is more tempting than the daily variety)

remember: 93% of what you communicate is non-verbal

[nsw1222]

You promise her NOTHING.... In the meantime..You are nice to her but don't offer anything more than friendship. (and distant friends at that) You don't act angry. (except to call her behavior exactly what it is UNACCEPTABLE) You are not punitive, but you offer her nothing.. You improve yourself. Stay active in hobbies, go out with friends and have some me time and some fun and let HER come to you.

THAT is how you will get her back..

how come no one advised me like this in my sitch? I dont think I got one person who told me that it was acceptable to be her friend while she wants OM. Everyone seems to think going dark and accepting things while just working on me for me is the way to go...with no contact with her at all.

Oh and Gucci...your job analogy works well for some cases. If ones R was like my last job, where I was miserable there all the time...being fired would not create any begging.

[pigskin]

Gucci's post above is pretty much it in a nutshell. What people have told you to do is very difficult, and everyone understands that. You are new here and still struggling with this but people are trying to keep you from making the same mistakes they made.

I could not have fathomed in a million years my W and I being separated, even after she dropped the bomb. I felt surely I could fix things and make it right. The problem is the WAW has a huge head start on you and likely has taken years to get to the point where they say "I'm done" and no attempt to "win her back" is going to have any effect.

Maybe a good way to think about it is to think of a woman in your past who was infatuated with you but was not your type and in whom you had no interest at all. It didn't matter what she did, you wanted no part of it. That's you with your wife now.

I know what you've been told may seem impossible for you to do right now, but you are going to have to go there eventually whether you like it or not. It's just a matter of do you want to waste months until you get there or cut to the chase right now.

Your wife has dumped you and you can't win her back until you stop trying. Even that may not work. But trying to woo her back definitely won't. Just like the girl you had no interest in.

And just my 2 cents on MC; if she still has the OM in the picture it will be a waste of time. I know, because my W and I went to Retrouvaille while she was still deep in her EA. While it helped communication tremendously, it did ZERO for our situation.

[MrBond]

So what is it that you want? It seems like if you are insisting on a go-between it's like you're running away from her. You've got to man up and be able to face her.

Be friendly towards her when you are with her, yet detached enough so that when she leaves you aren't going to feel like you're getting kicked in the gut each time.

Sounds like you're in a pity parade right now. You need to get out of the funk you're in and start taking control over YOUR happiness. Not just reacting to the things she acts or does.