"For better or worse, in sickness and in health, for richer or poorer, til death us do part."
Most of us said something very like that when we took our wedding vows. And most of us took those vows in front of family, friends, and a representative of our God in our faith community. And not only did we say those things in that manner, but we spent an awful lot of time, effort, and money getting to the moment when we did so.
A wedding is a lot of beautiful ritual and tradition – not to mention yards of lace and tulle, bushels of flowers, and layers of cakes – with one thing being the defining center which ties it all together. The vows. Those few words about sickness and health, better or worse. So I'm wondering. Did you mean it?
When all was said and done, the dress bought, the cake baked, the tux fitted and the DJ hired – did you mean it? The part about sickness and health, better or worse? How about the richer or poorer part?
Every week at least one client, and usually several more than that, tells me that they just can't do it anymore, that they have to file for divorce. It could be that they've discovered their spouse is addicted to drugs or gambling. It might be that he or she is oblivious to my client's needs in the marriage. And, because I specialize in infidelity it is often because the spouse is having an affair and the pain is tearing the heart out of my client, the person they once vowed to love and honor and cherish, forsaking all others.
Whatever the cause of the pain, it is very real and very heart wrenching. This is when the chips are down and we see what it is we are made of. Hardship is no joke and our natural instinct as humans is to survive – to remove ourselves from the pain and the threat it makes to our happiness and security. Run! Get out! Save yourself! Our emotions and our instincts give us a hearty push and our friends and family are not far behind.
If being married was easy, there would be no reason for taking vows. Vows are something we take in order to show our commitment to some aspect of life that is difficult to perform or carry out. Vows are promises that show our determination to go against the flow when it seems going with the flow is the only option available. Remaining true to our vows in the face of pain and tragedy is what makes us fully responsible adults in a world that lauds irresponsibility. Staying faithful to promises we made forges the steel in our souls.
"But she isn't honoring her promises." "He never treated me with honor and now he's living with someone else." "I have a right to end this marriage because of what he has done to me." Funny thing about the promises we make at weddings – they really aren't about what the other person does or does not do. Our wedding vows are all about us and our commitment to the marriage. A commitment that is explicitly stated to be not only in times of joy and laughter but in the deepest darkest moments of our lives. A commitment to stick it out come hell or high water regardless of the pain and suffering. Til death us do part.
I also know that there comes a time when we need to concede defeat. When the courts and the legal system cannot be fought or when it truly happens that the marriage cannot be saved. But these are decisions that should me made in the cold light of rationality after every option has been tried and has failed. And I would say that includes at least a year of separation and no contact before coming to that decision.
I know that many of you are suffering and fighting against seemingly insurmountable odds in your marriage right now. It seems that the easy and perhaps only way out is to end the marriage. It seems incredibly unfair to watch the days and the months go by wondering when you will have a life again. It is for moments such as these that you spoke those words and sealed your promise of commitment in front of witnesses. So I just have to ask one more time, did you mean it?
