You're certain something isn't quite right and yet you can't put your finger on what it is. Or perhaps your spouse has become so distant you can't seem to reach him or her. It may even be that your partner has moved out or told you that he/she is no longer in love with you. You suspect that there may be someone else and yet if you've had the courage to bring it up with your mate the suggestion has been adamantly denied. Are there signs that a spouse is having an affair? The answer to that is yes. But one needs to be careful not to confuse signs with proof.
"I don't love you anymore." When someone I am working with tells me that his or her spouse has said this, a big warning bell goes off in my head. I consider this to be one of the most consistent things unfaithful men and women say to their partners. This statement suggests that a person is comparing how he or she feels about the spouse to the heady feelings of infatuation caused by an affair. Although feelings of love can fade over time, the recognition of such is not usually so abrupt that it is spoken of in those terms. The exception of course is someone who is very self aware.
"We're just friends." Next to the, "I don't love you," statement this ranks as one of the most predictable statements wayward men and women make. A typical pattern is spending more and more time with a "friend" either at work or possibly at a recreational activity. This person is often described as someone who "has a lot in common" with the spouse, and who "understands" things the spouse is going through in her or her life. This could be anything from dealing with a boss or coworker to major life altering experiences. Either way, it's a warning sign.
"I need my privacy." This is typically a defensive statement made to hide activities or relationships that an unfaithful spouse knows would cause an uproar. A secret life is hidden behind the guise of privacy.
"I need my space to decide what to do about our relationship." Frequently men and women who are involved with someone outside their marriage will say this as a way to ensure more privacy. A sudden desire to move out of the home is often an indication that there is someone else in the picture and that the spouse is seeking ways to have more freedom to come and go without question.
A change in work habits. Working late, going in at odd hours, or putting in significantly more time can all be indications that a spouse is unfaithful. Certainly all of us are subject to increased work loads, so watch for other signs as well.
Spending a lot of time on the computer. The ease with which one can have secret email accounts has allowed infidelity to blossom at alarming rates. Chat rooms and online dating services increase the problem exponentially. Pornography is huge business and sexual addiction is becoming rampant. If this is a concern there are many spy software packages available to track what is being done on your computer. Spending a lot of time on the phone, especially the cell phone. Many affairs occur primarily on the phone and in email. A spouse who cannot be separated from his or her cell phone and especially who is defensive about the calls is acting suspiciously.
Inconsistencies in the details. Behavior that does not add up. Not being where he or she said was expected to be. Missing time. Money that cannot be accounted for. Receipts for things which you don't have. Missing clothing. Clothing that does not belong to your family. Being caught in little lies about the details of the day.
Your fears and suspicions. If you find yourself needing to find excuses for your spouse's behavior or needing to convince yourself that your mate would never cheat on you then that in itself is a warning sign. Your intuition about your life is frequently one of the best indicators available. If you suspect your spouse might be cheating on you, do some investigating and then confront him or her with what you've found. Do it in a way that is calm and courteous. Ask for honesty, but know that spouses who are unfaithful frequently lie even in the face of irrefutable evidence. It is important that you remain respectful at all times. Becoming judgmental and accusatory will not help you. Continue to be vigilant and to look for more evidence.
If you suspect that your spouse could be having an affair and you would like my thoughts or input email me at help@[censored] . I can help you look at the clues and suggest other avenues to explore.
