Not sure if this qualifies as piecing or not...

[TrentC]

I'm rereading The Divorce Remedy again, and working through some of the preliminary steps.

Even though things are stressful right now, I want to be ready for when we start having these conversations again. Or know what I want for the next relationship.

So here are my notes to date:

-----
Step One: Start With a Beginner's Mind

Stage one -- Passion prevails -- the honeymoon phase
Stage two -- What was I thinking? -- disillusionment
Stage three -- Everything would be great if you changed -- misery
Most couples divorce at stage three
Stage four -- That's just the way my partner is -- awakening
Stage five -- Together at last

Step Two: Know What You Want

List 2 to 3 things that I am hoping to change. Think about what I want, not what I am missing.

1. I want to have at least one day a week to spend time together as a couple ("date night")
2. I want her to offer me physical affection. I would like to make love at least twice a week
3. I want to discuss and make plans for our future
4. I want her to think of me as her confidante and friend again

How will I know things will be getting better? (Not all at once, just in general)

* She will be willing to discuss her medical options
* She will be willing to discuss adoption
* She will want to discuss photography and learing to use her camera
* She will move back into the master bedroom
* She will initiate physical affection or respond positively to my attempts
* She will initiate lovemaking or ask me to (respecting the boundary that I set; at some point, I will initiate lovemaking again)
* She will ask me out on a date
* She will call or text me when we're apart just to visit


Step Three: Ask For What You Want

1. When is she least likely to pay attention, be concilatory, or be patient with my requests?
Right after she wakes up, right after getting home from work (if she has a bad day)

2. When is my spouse most likely to pay attention, be concilatory, or be patient with my requests?
After she is out of bed and up and moving, after getting to relax from work

3. Commit to writing when, in the next few days, you will tell your partner what you want to improve
After the long weekend, maybe during or after the MC session

Step Four: Stop Going Down Cheeseless Tunnels

http://divorcebusting.wordpress.com/2009/09/28/cheeseless-tunnels/

Is there a troublesome situation or argument that arises with regularity?
Household chores
Lack of physical affection or lovemaking

[smith18]

Dont forget to work on becoming the best man and husband.

Some great books are:

Hold on to your N.U.T.s

For Men Only: A Straightforward Guide to the Inner Lives of Women

Most importantly, you need to be happy with just yourself for now. Detach. GAL. PMA.

Your W could probably be classified as MLC and I think that you may be better served it you started a thread in the MLC forum. There are some really good posters there that could help you greatly.

[goldeylox]

Dude, if you do not listen to Kerry, I will personally whack you tomorrow.

[TrentC]

I can't go into this right now: suffice it to say, my world has been completely rocked.

I expect to get buried in 2x4s when I tell my whole story, but that's okay; I apparently need them.

[rockedworld]

Trent I am sorry to hear that. Whatever has happened we are here for you, whether it is 2x4's, support or both. I am praying for you.

[kara]

(((Trent)))

I don't usually post on your thread but I do read along. We are here for you.

[TrentC]

I might as well get it all out now. Things are quiet at work.

I have not been entirely truthful about the details of my situation. There are several people that I have told the whole story to, but I owe it to everybody who has supported me -- especially those who have come to rely on me for advice -- to tell the truth, and I hope you can forgive me.

The night that my wife told me about her medical condition, I had been planning to have a very different conversation with her.

I found out that my wife had created a secret email account and was keeping in touch with the OM from the EA. I found an online reservation that showed she was going to go see him in Colorado over this past weekend, and several conversations that, to me, looked like she was head over heels in love with him and that our splitting up was just a matter of time. And once they were together, they could have that happy little family she always wanted.

When I confronted her about the plane ticket, she hit me with the medical news; the rest of the conversation happened pretty much as I described. When I asked her what her plans were with the ticket, she said she didn't know any more. She might go home to see family and process what was going on, or she'd cancel the reservation and use the ticket later.

By Tuesday, she still had not told me what she planned to do, so I asked her what her plans were. She told me that she was not going to see him, but that she was going to get away for the weekend. She needed time and space to figure out what she wanted to do. When I asked her where she was going, she did not tell me. Eventually, I got her to tell me that she was visiting a relative in Arizona, but she still wouldn't tell me who.

I had a long weekend in order to try to process what was happening to us. I took several days off from work, bought some more reading material, and tried to GAL. She emailed me a couple of times to let me know that she got there safely, and that she was having a quiet weekend. I was doing pretty well with the PMA and the detaching, and wondered what was going to happen when she got back tonight.

At lunch today, the fertility clinic called me. They had been trying to get hold of my wife all weekend; the had a cancellation and wanted to know if she wanted to come in this week for surgery.

I asked "what surgery?" because the only surgery I knew of was an impending hysterectomy due to andometriosis.

She lied.

She does not have andometriosis or adenomyosis; she does, in fact, have a simple fibroid tumor. The procedure is relatively simple and she'd be in the hospital for a few days, but then she would be fine, and likely to be able to have children.

After this, I went snooping. I found a couple of charges on her personal bank account (she forgets that I'm on that account) that showed that she was exactly where she said she wasn't going -- to be with him.

So, to sum up: my wife lied to me about the severity of her EA. She lied to me about not going to see him this weekend, and she lied to me about never being able to have children.

Needless to say, I am in shock. I don't know what to do now. I cannot recognize the woman that I am married to anymore. I refused to admit that my wife could be so twisted and so deceitful, only to have it blow up in my face.

[MrBond]

Well I consider the call from the clinic a blessing in disguise. Pack up her things and leave them outside when she comes back. Leave her a message saying you're done and that's that. Don't tell her what you know. Just end it like that.

She's going to be pissed, but you know what? WTF cares what she thinks. Time to concentrate back on you and your life.

[smith18]

No 2*4's from me. Love is blind and can cause denial. You wanted your marriage to work.

It seems she lied about not ever being able to have children with the intention that it would make you give up the marriage easier and allow her to go live with her Rocky Mountain man. She has stabbed you in the back and twisted the knife. I dont know how one can forgive and reconcile a marriage after the deceit she has pulled on you.

Give up any thoughts of Retro or her coming back because it sure sounds like she is gone for good - emotionally and mentally.

I think you are at the point where you need to stand up and protect yourself legally. Talk to a lawyer. It may entail filing for a D. Your W may have a change of heart during the process, but I doubt it.

I know that you want a loving lifetime marriage and a family. It is not too late to start over. I got married when I was 38 and had my son when I was 40.

What sort of advise would you give to someone in your situation?

Dont let her poor choices beat you down.

[mishka422]

Trent,

I haven't followed your thread but I have seen your posts to others in the past and thought I would drop in on you after seeing your FB post.

Absolutely no 2x4's from me either. You were working on your M with the best of intentions, you believed your W when she gave you her medical condition, why wouldn't you? I'm so sorry that she would do something so despicable. The is the one of the worst kinds of manipulations imagineable.

Calm down for a couple of days, pack her things up and sit them in a protected area outside (so she can't claim you are destroying her things) and tell her she is not welcome back in your home as she doesn't see fit to be honest and forthcoming with you. If she tries to lie her way out of it again with crying and claims that the clinic didn't tell you the correct information then I would suggest that you ask for proof, given to you in person by the doctor himself.

She is a seriously disturbed person and needs help.

Be kind to yourself, protect yourself, and most of all, get surrounded by the right people.

Hugs to you Trent!