The time I spent with my ex today was nice...but it was more of a family emergency than anything and we ate lunch together more out of convenience than anything.
While I was with her, I felt pretty good...though as it came closer to time to say goodbye I started to get down, and it just kept getting worse.
Despite all the time we were together today, once we werent in the same company anymore, all I could think about was how much I miss her and wish she was here...to the point that I got sleepy and wanted to sleep. I tried taking a nap on the couch but couldnt fall asleep...and when I finally got up to fix dinner for D3 I bottomed out emotionally and broke down...asking myself why I made her want to leave, why couldnt she come back, etc.
I'm feeling a little better now...but only marginally.
I know that its no way to live...being happy only when someone is present and being severly depressed otherwise, and I think that's how it will continue to go if I hang around my ex and things never improve in the way of us getting back together.
The odds of that happening are quite poor.
While we were waiting at the doctors office today, I asked my ex if she had given any thought to joining the gym...and she said she was still thinking about it. I asked if she had given any more thought to my solution to our situation, and she said she was still thinking about it.
But I have to wonder if, even if she did agree to it, and we did spent a fair amount of time together each week as both a family and as two friends, it still wouldnt ultimately be torture in the end.
I mean...I've heard of people getting back with their SO's over an OP by standing out as the better choice. But it's not a guarantee...that I can either stand out as the better choice or that even if I do she would give things another try. She would have to swallow a lot of pride to do that and she isnt one to back down like that.
The alternative is, as was suggested, to get a go-between for us so that she and I dont have to see one another and dont have to communicate directly with one another. After a month or two of that, I would hope the "miss her" feeling would pass...but even that isnt certain given the way I'm reacting to her now.
And of course the other issue is that if she and the OM end up getting engaged/married or having a baby...I think it will be a blow like no other to me. I dont think I could ever forgive myself for walking away...for not doing anything.
Just thinking about it makes me break down. Which makes me ask...why do I think about it. If I dont know what will happen or is happening...why do I waste a second thinking about it when all it does is make me even more upset?
Talking to my ex about this isnt likely to make one bit of difference in her mind...it would likely only make her mad as she would think I'm trying to guilt her into making a decision. But she would at least want to know why I would want a go-between...so I would have to explain it on some level, even if its just saying that its to limit our contact so that we can each move on.
I dunno...in the back of my mind is the looming thought that my ex's issue with anger and anything else will eventually surface in her R with OM and that will likely cause stress between them if not a split up.
As I said, I took a lot more crap off her than most men would...most would have shouted a few mysogynist slurs and been out the door...but I stayed because I knew who she was deep down. The question is...will OM stay...and how long will it take for the "in-love" feeling to fade and her issues to take center stage? Months...years...? Can I really wait that long...can I survive all that waiting?
I really dont know. If I knew exactly how long to the day...maybe. But I'm not Stockdale...so while it would be great if I could, I'm not sure I'm strong enough to maintain that my goal will eventually be achieved but be able to deal with things on a day to day basis without losing faith.
