Went to IC today – he said I’m light years ahead of where I was last Spring, which was encouraging to hear…that I really accept the reality of the situation more and more. Truly, I think I HAVE to. Of course I would have preferred reconcil, but that’s not in the cards, and I’ve really let go in many ways. It will be an everyday practice/commitment, but I feel this way as well. We talked about our exchange on Sat, and he thought I handled everything very well. When H reverts to some of his old ways/patterns (the snarky comments) it’s not about me, it’s about him and his issues and things he probably still needs to work through.
Which brings me to the idea of respect and posts last wk. There are a lot of ideas around here about boundaries, standing up for yourself, and yet also keeping interactions calm/smooth w WAS.
Talia (and others) – we exchanged posts on respect the other wk. Apologies if I took this personally when you said H did not respect me, but I do not think there is much I have done across the past few months that would make him disrespect me (at least not caused by my outright actions or behavior towards him). But welcome your thoughts. There is the notion of the ‘WAS fog’ in which they act in a manner that is disrespectful – of their own accord – and then another notion of LBS behaving in a way that would let them be disrespected. I’ve kind of seen him in the fog mode lately, and so what he does/does not do really doesn’t get to me so much anymore.
For ex, H has a bad temper, bordering on the physical at times. This came out w his old GF as well (physical fights). I believe this has more to do with him and something he needs to work on, than me eliciting this response from him.
My expectations are just lower from him, so if he doesn’t call me back it doesn’t get to me b/c I don’t expect him too. Of course I want him to respect me, and be able to stand up for myself in a way that elicits that, without inciting negativity or further fighting from him. How do you suggest I best do that at this juncture? One on hand there is the argument of ‘believe nothing what they say’ ‘water off a ducks back…’ and on the other hand call them out when they are being rude. It seems a little like conflicting advice although I know it must not be – it’s just striking that balance, no? Our exchanges have been very amicable lately, and I would like to keep that up regardless of the outcome…but also keep acting in a way, for MYself, that elicits respect from him. (and IC said, if it does not when you act in way best way for you, than its more his still lingering anger/issues than anything to do w me).
For instance we saw each other and he made a few slightly rude comments (‘well you kept all the tax $ last year”) or rolling his eyes couple times when I interrupt him by mistake. Not big things. The old me would have reacted and in the moment I did not, which helped keep our exchanges more quite pleasant (similar to 25’s suggestion awhile back about not letting unnecessary conflict escalate). At one point I did say, “yes, but I paid them all the previous years” – ie standing up for myself – but then he returns w another snarky comment. So that is not a cycle to continue. When I did not act in reacting mode with him, it was much more pleasant. And as I was driving home I was thinking about the changes I’ve made, and while he acted MUCH more positively to my ‘letting go’, he still reverted to some behaviors himself which made me think that no, it’s not all me, and he’s done very little work himself.
I was re-reading Robx posts about the kind of man he was before his S. During much of our M, my H was like that - he was a doormat. He would always give in to me, let me decide everything, do what I wanted. Over time I did respect him less (and I got tired of wearing the pants all the time…I wanted him to step up to the plate; its a dynamic we both contributed to). He got tired of playing that role and I think liked the new sense of control he had post-separation. So it’s a balance in the roles we play with each other these days. Yes I want to stand up for myself, but I’m not going to be 100% the kind of woman I was in my M… I’m softer and more open, while still remaining authentically who I am (and I liked who I am more these days). I've learned some good lessons. At the same time, he had his own issues he brought to the table, and I still see them played out in our current interactions.
IC thought the letting small comments go on Sat was wise and non-reactionary (and it really didn’t get under my skin when he was slightly difficult..those are his issues). I understand that you might say: ‘well you’ve put up with him walking out on you and not wanting to work out M, etc” but I think all of us go through that in the early stages, we want to save our M’s, we want to address issues within ourselves (and acknowledge what may have made them leave) …and when we hit the point where we give up and move on, is very personal. I am just about there, if not already so. I ask/reposition the ‘respect’ question b/c I want to handle this process we are now in in the best possible way. I want to stand my ground but as IC said, you can’t ‘blanket apply’ that in all situations…sometimes you let things go and realize they are not about you. That’s what I’ve done w H. So perhaps I’m not 100% sure why you think he may not respect me? Or if so, what can I do to encourage his respect throughout this process and ensure I am acting in MY best interest at this time?
