You guys (and me too) are doing alot of trying to read his mind.
True. Isn't it normal though, and I would argue important, in the first few months when you are trying to attract back a WAS/WAH? As long as it never becomes your life and meaning, how else could you do that when the other S isn't talking or isn't sure?
I'm not sure what I want in my M. If my wife could better understand what I do say, she would probably not overreact. She might also see that I'm not the one she loves, or better yet, I might see that she is the one who really gets me. It's a lot of hoping, but it is positive and isn't chasing. Once an understanding is there, then it is action time - and DB is all about action.
Isn't it normal though, and I would argue important, in the first few months when you are trying to attract back a WAS/WAH?
No, I don't think it's important. As long as you're basing your actions on mind reading and trying to attract back a WAS they won't work. If your changes aren't genuine and made for the right reasons then the WAS will see right through them. And if the WAS returns home, you stop the changes and the WAS says, See, I knew you weren't really going to change.
You work on becoming the best person possible for you. If that attracts your WAS back, great. If it doesn't then you are better off for your next R or being on your own.
If you love somebody, set them free. http://tinyurl.com/2empx2g
thanks, guys...i understand the concern about the "mind reading." it helps me try to gauge where we are, and i know that despite what he says, he may be feeling something entirely different. i don't think i'm trying to use it to win him back, i'm keeping the focus on myself, but like i said, it does help me know where we stand. if he's telling me he misses me, he doesn't know what to do, he is feeling scared and lost and that he loves me, of course i'm trying to figure out what is on his mind for real, but it also tells me that he's not entirely ready to serve me up with D papers which helps me in my responses to him.
i know that i'm making changes and they are starting to stick...normally if i'd heard him crying on the phone i would cry too and say whatever i needed to say to make him feel better. but this time i held my ground, told him i was sorry he felt that way, and suggested that maybe he did need to find a professional to talk to.
OTM, i did tell him "i love you, too" in response, and he seemed relieved to hear it. even ended by saying "i'll see you soon...maybe we can talk again later this week." that is the kind of thing i think DR would call a "baby step."
Me30 H29 M2.5 T5 H moved out 1/23/2010 H wants signed agreement 3/30/2010 ...feeling hopeless
That's not a step a baby could've done, or a teen, or many adults. You've done amazing things, TTA. While it might not pan out, so keep working on you, it just might, too.
Amazing how 3 words can be so powerful. I really hope there'll be a day soon I can do that for my wife, too~
i did cry when i got off the phone with him. i've been longing for him to say that to me for over a month and he just said it out of the blue. it took me a full ten seconds to take it in and then respond. i never doubted that he loves me. he seems to be in a really low place emotionally right now...i know i can't do anything to help him, and he said he would look into an IC, and i just said that my coach had been very helpful for me in terms of keeping my head on straight. i don't know if i could offer a DB coach to him...and he certainly couldn't afford it. i could hardly afford it, either!
on another note...i got the keys to my new apartment today! i am moving to another unit in my same building and got a great deal from the leasing woman - who happens to also be going through a separation! - and my H is going to pay half and i'll pay half. it's such a cute little studio and i'm actually looking forward to moving in and setting it up. i will only be in there for 3-4 months, but it buys me some time from having to move out completely and i couldn't afford to stay in the unit i'm in now, even with my H paying half. so. come weekend after next, i'll have a brand new space to call my own!
Me30 H29 M2.5 T5 H moved out 1/23/2010 H wants signed agreement 3/30/2010 ...feeling hopeless
Congratulations!!! Sounds like you are moving in the right direction - and so is H!!! Keep doing what you are doing - its key to be consistent even when it looks like things are getting better.
You are doing great!!!
T
ME28,WAH30, M 5YRS, T 7YRS ,OW/ILYBNILY/SEP 9/09 Served with D papers 6/6/10 Current
i'm sure it will be nice to be out of the place i shared with my H. my lease is up at the end of this month so i was going to have to move anyway, so...it's nice to have that taken care of. just have to get my current place painted (my mom thinks i should have my H take care of it, since - in her opinion - it's the LEAST he could do, so i may ask him about that, but not sure). it's exciting to think about having a new place that is all my own, but at the same time...i do miss my H so much and don't really WANT to live alone. but maybe the space is what we need.
Me30 H29 M2.5 T5 H moved out 1/23/2010 H wants signed agreement 3/30/2010 ...feeling hopeless
Just remember - suffering is a choice. You CHOOSE to make this a good thing for you or not. You ALWAYS have a choice - always. Just because you may not always like the options to choose from - you still have a choice. Choose wisely...
OH - STOP listening to your mom. She's clearly vengeful.
Take care of the painting yourself... you'll feel empowered to know you didn't need H to do anything for you.... Time to be self sufficient. Can you paint it yourself?? Its not as hard as it seems and much cheaper... I did it!!!
Remember - keep it about you!!
Proud of you,
T
ME28,WAH30, M 5YRS, T 7YRS ,OW/ILYBNILY/SEP 9/09 Served with D papers 6/6/10 Current
