Marriage Downgraded to Good Friends on 2/5/10

[Ready2Change]

Some of my advise will appear to be conflicting. If you find places where it conflicts ask for clarification. Others will give you conflicking advise also.

Rule of thumb: "The more uncomfortable something feels, the more likely it is the right thing to do"

42 year old male married to the greatest woman I have ever known for 16 years and have known her for 20 years...

I'll be 43 in March. Been DBing for 2 years. I have seen what works, and what does not work.

... masturbation since age 12....

You may be interested in reading these books:

"She comes first" Kerner
"The new male sexuality" by Zilbergeld
"The Art of Seduction"

That all changed over the past few weeks when my wife told me she had crossed the line in communicating with a friend in California. The fact was, she liked the feelings she had felt while discussing sexuality with him and told me she wanted to meet him and pursue a physical relationship with him.

This is where a boundary needs to be placed. A real man does not share his wife with anyone.

This is counter-intuitive, but the right thing to do:
"I have decided that I will not share my wife with another man. I want all communications with him to stop. I want complete transparency. If you will not agree to this, I will consider all my options including D."

After discussing it with her over the next few weeks, it was apparent that I was not fulfilling her needs and she was only interested in continuing our relationship the way it was with her external influence providing her intimacy needs. In her words, "I saw your best and I love you - but am no longer in love with you".

Keep listening. It is all about gaining understanding now. Validation is key.

"I saw your best and I love you - but am no longer in love with you".

You are going to be making many changes. You are now competing with Another Man. You need to be the better choice. 180's are key right now. Women like surprises. Start surprising her. Get a new hair style. DO NOT TELL HER WHY. Buy new stylish clothing. DO NOT TELL HER WHY.

I continually pointed out to her how this was a destructive thing which would surely split us up - would she want to be a single mother? Every day I would point out to her that she gave up on me - essentially firing me.

LOGIC DOES NOT WORK. Changes in your actions works. Change your thoughts, words and actions. You thought she couldn't/wouldn't leave. Change that thought. She has one foot out the door. She doesn't think you will change. PROVE HER WRONG. Start changing.

We effectively split up on Friday of last week.

This is another counter-intuitive part. You need to ACT-AS-IF this is the greatest thing. You are now completely happy. What you want to convey to her is that you want to be with her, but you do not need her to be happy.

found that I am not alone in falling into a common trap

You are not alone.

We are living in the same house, we are continuing to wear our wedding rings,

Same bedroom, same bed. DO NOT MOVE OUT OF MASTER BEDROOM. If you have, go back.

we continue to raise our 9 year old son

NOw is also a good time to work on R with S9. Get more involved with him.

I have not pleasured myself and while I have thought of it a few times, the idea disgusts me.

You have needs. Your W also has needs. They are very similar, but very different.

Her perception is - we are friends with no guarantee or responsibility to ourselves to get back together as a married couple. If it happens, wonderful as it would mean our lives can be enriched through a healthy love language and if it doesn't, so be it, she will be a better person as a result of it for she deserves more in a mate.

You as the man are in charge of the sex and romance department. If you are like the rest of us, I am sure it has been lacking and is rusty. Like I said, Woman love surprises. They also like anticipation. Insinuating what is coming helps a lot. It starts in the morning when you wake up. A kiss and hug, just because. It continues throughout the day.

Our situation is a bit confusing as she effectively wants her cake and eat it to. She wants the trappings of the stay at home mother life but she wants to be able to explore herself as an individual - to reconnect as a human being with other human beings.

This is where a boundary is required:

"I will not live in an open marriage. I would prefer you stay and work on the marriage, but you choose to XYZ with OM, than I will file for D." Remember, this is counter-intuitive, but the most effective way to get R back on track.