Can I ask you a stupid question? You use the term "FT" or "family therapist" quite a bit. You're the only one I've even refer to these counselors as such. Is there a difference between using a family therapist for MCing and a marriage counselor?
The family therapist has different training than the individual therapist.
The FT would have more extensie training in marriage science and social work, whereas the IC's training would be more in psychology... There IS overlap, but there is a difference between the science of family and the science of human behaviour... studying how marriages behave is a bit different from studying how humans behave as individuals.
Often you WILL find IC's (hacks) who think they can do both and use the same tools to do both, but to my mind they require a much different approach.
I choose to use the word FT in order to focus the training that's needed to repair a marriage under attack by an affair.
Someone with only psychology background would handle this much different than someone familiar with family science research.
It's actually quite an interesting topic comparing the two.. and certainly not a stupid question at all
If your therapist can't even tell you the difference between the two I would tell you to find a new therapist.
Repairing an individual and repairing a family are two different tasks... and require different research and different approaches.
As an example and follow up. Michele Davis has a Masters Degree in Social Work, not psychology, which if I recall was her undergraduate degree.
Michele has extensive knowledge of psychology but the practical application of that is to social work with families. That seems to be where most of her research is as well.
The science of family is in my opinion an absolute necessary area of research before someone tries to heal a household that's been ravaged by an affair.
IC's often don't understand this very well (darksky's story here is a good example of that), but the worst part is there are a lot of IC's DOING family therapy work anyways.. despite their lack of research in this area... some IC's seem to think helping a family is the same as helping two individuals... which it most certainly is not.
Allen A My H refuses to go to therapy. I told him he needed to talk to someone even if it's just a friend. There is someone he is becoming close to, that has told him that he thinks we can work out our problems. So he does have a close guy friend that is telling him to try to save the M. However, my H also cares a lot about what people think about him. And this friend has said in the past that he hates people who have A, and how wrong he thinks it is. So I don't think my H would talk to him about that part of our problems.
I think I need to see if my close girl friend will talk to him again. She has been on both sides of an A before, and her M is now more happier then it ever has been. My H is very close to her and her H too, so I think he might open up to her.
Together 16 years Married 12 years Me 36 H 34 D9 & S6 Separated 12/3/09 Confirmed A 1/25/10 Exposed A 1/26/10 H hired L, but not filed yet 1/27/10
OK, if he won't go to therapy then you have a few choices
1. supply him with reading materials 2. Supply him with video materials 3. educate a marriage-frienly friend to offer him guidance
In the case of 3 above, try to get THAT person the reading and video they need and they can FEED that to your H through their voice... its almost as good as therapy...
All your H needs to know right now is that :
1. The only way for him to KNOW if he can repair his marriage is to EXPLORE that. 2. The only way he can explore reconcilliation is to END contact with his friend (affair partner))
That last point I will expand on.
If your H wont admit to an affair he CAN acknowledge that this person's INVOVLEMENT with yoru H is NOT constructive and is hurting YOU. Your friend can tell him that "regadless of what is or is not going on with this OW, your wife needs you to END CONTACT with her... shes clearly hurt and you need to keep away"
and as a follow up :
"If she IS only a friend, then you need to show respect for your wife and NOT put a different woman BEFORE your wife. If she's just a freind SHOW that by ending contact and setting your wife's mind at ease. No one is accusing you of anything, we just want to set your wife's mind at ease so you two can work togehter. Right now she isn't giong to work wtih you while you continue to be in contact with this woman."
Give your friend this sort of dialog to use with him. It's non-accusatory but gets to the same place - NC.
I have worded this in a way that he CANT refuse without incriminating himself.
If she's just a friend, then he should be able to end contact. If he can't end contact because she's mroe than a freind, he MUST end contact.
Your friend should start doing some reading on infidelity ... start with the article I posted here and the two in darksky's thread.
A good example of the differences in tools that are needed can be found in parenting.
If you have ONE child, your parenting approach will be much different than if you had TWO or more children. Different problems arise when a second child is involved.
There IS overlap, but to my mind a different set of tools must come into play.
Allen A I will call my friend tonight and talk to her about what you said. I don't see a link to the article you mentioned and I ran a search on darksky thread and nothing comes up. Is there anyway I can bother you to add those links here for me?
Together 16 years Married 12 years Me 36 H 34 D9 & S6 Separated 12/3/09 Confirmed A 1/25/10 Exposed A 1/26/10 H hired L, but not filed yet 1/27/10
The problem with offering links on this forum is the censor them sometimes...
I will paste some articles here for you to offer to your friend. It's VERY important that you not simply ask your friend to speak to your H BLIND... if you do you really have no idea what the outcome will be. If you educate your friend first, and then have your friend casually educate your husband, this may help.
This one's my favourite ---------------------------------------------- Love As An Excuse For Infidelity
2003
So often in my work with spouses whose mates are in the midst of an affair I hear the anguished fear that because he or she claims to be, "in love" with the affair partner, it must mean that the marriage is over and the cheating lovers are meant to be together. Soulmates - because they now feel the intense passion of a fantasy relationship.
But of course they are, "in love." That's what an affair is. It's what the addiction is. It's an emotional response (without rationality, commitment or long term thinking) that causes us to do things that are not in our best interests and that hurt other people and destroy what we have worked hard to build in our lives - things like homes and families.
The idea that love should be the deciding factor is any of this is completely erroneous. As is the idea that love is some magical chemistry between two people. It's neither of those things. Romantic love really is nothing more than a mathematical equation. Spend enough time with someone meeting intimate needs of conversation, affection, admiration, and play time - and you will fall in love with that person. Assuming of course that they are not doing things you find offensive or objectionable at the same time.
The interesting thing about new infatuation/love is that we are blinded by the offensive or objectionable things at first. I think the pleasure of having needs met by someone new captures our attention to the point that we block out the less desirable traits. But like any addiction, what worked at first to create a high soon becomes not enough - we want more. When that happens in romantic relationships the irritating things seem to grow in proportion as the pleasure from getting needs met slackens. Unless real change takes place at this time - unless the real work of building a relationship kicks in - romantic love will wane.
This is when the instinct to demand more, to be rude or even to lose our tempers takes over. This is when the internal shift from, "You are so wonderful, what can I do for you," to "You aren't doing enough for me and I'm not willing to do anything for you - you jerk," occurs. This is where real marriage happens, when we move from - feeling like it- to making the commitment to doing what it takes to craft a truly connected and compatible relationship. This is where real love is grown.
For those, who have never honored commitment when the going got tough this is where they begin to bail. So, yes, I am sure that affair partners are in love. Does that mean it's the right place for them or that they have met 'the one'? Of course not. It means that they are in the habit of going for the feeling rather than committing to doing the work of making a truly successful relationship. Unless something greatly changes for these men and women, they will do the same again, and again. They will not find lasting happiness until they get it that marriage is more than feeling. Being in love is important, but staying there is what separates the men from the boys.
Be an advocate for marriage. When you hear of infidelity, take a stand. Refuse to condone affairs and "friendships" that threaten the integrity of the marriage bond. Educate your friends and families on the seriousness of becoming involved outside the marriage. Love is not an excuse for betrayal and abandonment. Love based on that foundation is like a house built on sand.
