Question

[awest1217]

I had a lot of fun yesterday and today...except little sleep and crazy dreams. S threw up on the way to the hotel, probably car sick. H had text me not too long after we left so I text him to say S had gotten sick. S was fine once we got out of the car and ate a ton so I said everything was good. It was a good service and I got to talk to a lot of friends. They all know about what is going on, but we aren't close enough to talk details. They mostly complimented me on how I look and how great S is, which is the best compliment of all because I know I am doing a good job as a mom. I didn't get any texts from H besides says have a good time right before he was done with work Friday.

S wouldn't go to sleep until 2 am this morning, and my nephew who I watched to help out my brother and sister-in-law got up a 7 am because he fell asleep right away. No sleep. Plus I didn't sleep well because I had a dream that H had a new OW and we were walking around a mall when I saw them together. I was mad and he just was indifferent so I said we were done. His new OW asked if I would just not bring up custody of S because H didn't want him. I then saw MIL at the same mall and told her everything. I then woke up to my nephew saying "dadada" It was cute, but little sleep.

I once again just feel done. I don't feel anything at all for H. When I text, "i love you", I mean it, but I don't really feel it. After the two services this weekend and observing many people I have grown up with, I know what i want, and I don't think H will ever be that. He was at one point, but now he is a totally new person that honestly I don't like. I just feel like we are over, not necessarily because of him, but because I don't feel anything at all. Probably once again part of a cycle, but I don't feel bad about it. I had a great time this weekend and feel very complete and happy. Strange.

Finally tonight around 8 H texts me. He said have a good service and I love you both so much. I text him back saying "huh? we got back at 4 then went to my parents to visit with my sister and her family" He said he was embarrassed for not knowing that because he thought we were gone for two nights and then my parents tomorrow. Probably the mistrust thinking, but I felt like he was upset we were home and like this was messing up his plans. He has gone on this trip with our youth for 7 years and for him to not remember it is Friday night and Saturday morning is extremely suspicious and weird. He said he would text me tomorrow and asked if we had church? I wanted to respond DUH of course we do, but I just sent nothing. I will wait and see if he does call, but I figuring he won't. I want to go to the mall after church anyway because Children's Place has a few things I want to get S.

I haven't talked to H about the cell bill or therapy, but at some point I need to work that into the conversation. I really don't care what he is doing. No concerns here, which for once is weird. I am happy with my life and honestly would rather he stay out of it because with him in it makes this more complicated and I feel put down constantly....much to think about.

[ClingingToHope]

The less attention you show H the better.

[Lucky11too]

It's interestingly that we just hit the same point right now. I was just mentioning in my post too how I look at H and don't see how there could possibly be a future with the two of us. Not that I don't wish there could be, but we are just such different people now and where I am in life with family being a priority is not at all where he is at. So what does this all mean you think? DR doesn't really discuss these kind of walls that we hit. Is it our way of protecting ourselves and are we really at the point where are hearts are done or are we just having a low point b/c our hearts just need a break from the constant emotion strain? But what I'm trying to do and my advice to you is to just try to act as if. Let's give it some time to see if this is really what we want (kind of a cool down phase), but in the mean time, just in case, don't jeopardize the progress we've made. If you have to grit your teeth and say (instead of "duh" haha), "yes, we are going to church. Would you like to join us?" then just do it. It won't hurt you but it will help keep H motivated as you figure it out for yourself. It's not about leading him on, it's about keeping the progress going. Follow up on the therapy with him too. If he is really committed to you, then he needs to do that. And if he starts going to therapy and working on himself, you almost owe to yourself and to S to give him the chance to change. That's at least where I'm at and that hope thru therapy is what is the last string that is keeping my hope alive.

Really glad you had a great weekend at the conference. We all need times like that just to be with other people away from the H drama!

[awest1217]

Thanks, but I really feel nothing. I am thinking I have always had an idealized H in my head. Remember H has been doing the OW thing the whole time we have been dating, engaged, and married. I always thought once we got married he would stop because everytime I would find out, he would stop the thing with that woman, but not too long later...there would be a new one. I think I have just always thought he would change and kept pressing on believing he would change, but he never has. He says he needs help to change, and when I try to help him or give suggestions, he just says that won't work or I tried that because his psychology background makes him the all knowing person. I think he doesn't want to change and he doesn't want to lose me, but what he doesn't understand is unless there is some majorly huge changes soon, he has lost me. I have hung in for around 9 years dealing with this, and this one he won't let go of, so why keep pushing?

Sorry I know this sounds horrible and not at all what this site is about, but I have found a new strength, resolve, and self-esteem (especially in the physical side of looking good because man I looked good all weekend ), and H has a great way of destroying that all in me, probably because he doesn't think he deserves me.

I know V-day is this upcoming weekend and we have a three day weekend. Nothing has been said and I am trying to decide on getting him anything. Suggestions? I actually have a four day weekend so I am excited and need the rest. H hasn't said anything about it except "it is valentine's day" when his mom brought up having lobster at his grandma's house that weekend. I said I didn't have plans, and don't so we will see. Plus on the 12th it will be our 11 year anniversary of dating and the 13th is the 11 year anniversary of our first kiss. It would be nice to have him really go out of his way to give me a super romantic card that he writes in to tell me that he really does love me (anniversary if you remember was all about how I am not what he wants and what needs to change at home). I have always been a romantic and love sending him stuff at work or writing sweet cards. Him...not so much... so it would be nice to see him do something out of the ordinary because it is something I like. However my expectation is NOTHING.

[ClingingToHope]

I know V-day is this upcoming weekend and we have a three day weekend. Nothing has been said and I am trying to decide on getting him anything. Suggestions? I actually have a four day weekend so I am excited and need the rest. H hasn't said anything about it except "it is valentine's day" when his mom brought up having lobster at his grandma's house that weekend. I said I didn't have plans, and don't so we will see.

I'd say don't get him anything. I think what DR says when you get to this point is it isn't just about the WAS changing, now they have to win you back. So don't get him anything. See if he gets you anything. You are at the point where he needs to WIN you back and you can make the decision on whether that's what you want.

He many never try. He may keep trying to string you along, testing to see if the door is still open so he can land safely while still playing the field.

I'm not dreading V day all that much. W and I haven't gotten gifts for each other in I can't remember when. I can't remember the last good one. Likely not in the last three years. I look now at a lot of her actions and it seems like she was deliberately trying to push me out.

I was supposed to have a basketball game that day to preoccupy me, but the league folded because not enough teams committed.

So I could just do church and either go into work and catch up -- it's really quiet there on Sunday -- or do our taxes for the last time.

W is strapped for cash -- I speculated on why in my sitch -- and has asked me a couple of times when am I going to do them. Maybe that'll be my last V day gift to her.

[Lucky11too]

Hmm, well the only thing I can say to that is that love is a decision, not just a feeling. (I can't remember which book of the millions I've been reading that came from- Hope for the Separated maybe?) But if you're done making that decision I would understand that too. He has led you along many times but I had hoped this wasn't one of them. If you need to, remind him that you are serious and that he needs to follow thru on the actions he promised. You are in a great spot right now b/c as you said, you have "found a new strength, resolve, and self-esteem" and that is exactly what this site is about. We all come here completely broken and if you have come to that point, then you are a success. Back to H, b/c you have that strength, you have the power to not let H control you. You don't need H to define your life anymore, so that is completely empowering! So, you have nothing to lose by being firm but loving but everything to gain. Remind him gently at first to give him a chance to follow thru on his own, but if you have to get tough, then get tough! He has the potential to be the man you need him to be (there was something in him you fell in love with), but he just needs some professional help along the way to get him thru his brokeness. Also powerful for you is that you are aware of the possibility of being strung alot, so that just makes you that more on guard and aware of watching for progress. You seem to have your defenses up enough to not let that happen again. You require results or you move. Powerful! I know there is alot of fear, but you have a lot of strength. Just think about it. It could be the end, but maybe just be open to another tactic. See what works for you. Being tough (as before when you demanded a meeting and spelled out what was going to happen) produced results, so maybe he needs a little more tough love to get him across the finish line. Just think about your options, but I understand how completely draining this is - giving all you have all the time and nothing in return yet. It is just my hope as I'm sure it is yours that this will all pay off one day.

Regarding Valentines day, yeah I kind of agree with CTH. For your anniversary, you gave it your all, so I think this time it's up to him to prove his love for you. You obviously have a lot of history regarding this weekend, so I hope he would take some of that to heart, but with him in this down stage, it's hard to say. But if you would still like to do something, maybe get a card you think you might want to give him and see how you feel when the time comes. If you decide to give him something, why don't you consider making him something instead of going out and buying him a gift - maybe cookies or candies (most of the craft or cake supply stores have great molds and melting chocolate - fun idea!) V day is tough though, so much uncertainity on how to act and what to expect. It's discouraging that we must hope for the best but still plan for the worse for our sanity's sake. Maybe bring it up to him just to see what he's even thinking about right now at this point. Of course if you are having to show him tough love (above) to get him to go thru with therapy, he may not be in much of a V day spirt. =\

[awest1217]

So interesting night. H did get back with me about hanging out today. We went over to his parents, but before he kept asking if I was mad at him. I am not mad, just feeling strange. I told him I wasn't mad or upset so we met and wen to his parents house. We were hanging out with S and then I went into the kitchen to get something, he followed and said I looked really nice tonight. He then said actually you look "hot". He hasn't said that in months. He then kisses me...really kisses me. It was really nice and melted my defenses. As you said Lucky, Love is a choice, and I said I needed something big to show me he was really in it for us. That helped. The rest of the night he would wink at me or when given a chance would pull me in to kiss me again. Haven't done that since probably fall 2008...long time.

Then we got home, put S to bed, then made out (I know high school...lol). It was a really nice just sitting with H holding me and rubbing my back. It was a special moment. We talked about some things that was more relationship oriented so I took that time to say how I wasn't going to check the cell phone. He said he had been talking to OW, but he hadn't seen her in over a week and was talking to her less. It kind of stopped the "mood". It was really sad for me because I was on a slight high. We then spent some more time talking about anything and everything. It was like when we first started dating. I felt like I had my best friend back. I told him what I think about OW and how I still was not ok with them talking, but glad he told me. I also told him that I want our new relationship to be all about trust, and that I want to hear from him if he makes a mistake and not find out some other way. He said he appreciated it and told me about the calls. He says they are all about work. The rest of the night was talking about church, therapists, and many other things. It just flowed and was nice. He thanked me for listening and not acting like I knew it all becuase he missed talkingto me too, but had stopped because he always felt I would hear, but not listen because it was my way or no way (completely true). At some point we talked about his younger brother who is doing to a girl what H did to me (I am friends with the girl so I have counseled her to drop him, she is in high school, and she has). He said he thinks his brother is reaching out to the girl because he likes the feeling he gets with her because she listens to him and cares about him, but he likes the party seen too. He may not be in love with her, but the feeling. I then told him how I have had a hard time lately because I think H is in love with me being caring and not in love with me. He listened and said he understands that, but I said his actions tonight has helped me. I asked about therapy when we were talking about counseling and how he might want to go into that one day. He said he called, but the people don't have an opening because they only work three days a week. I don't know if that is true or not, but i am going to try to trust him.

Overall, especially after reading what you said Lucky, I think I am in a place where I am just not feeling love. It is there, I just don't feel it right now. I know deep down I love him so I will keep on. I said how I would really like if he would just stay tonight because that would be the best, but he couldn't. S even says every day when H gets ready to leave "daddy don't go". Maybe one day soon. I know I need to make sure OW is completely gone, but it is also nice to know that he does find me attractive because he said he didn't at hte beginning of the separation. It is also nice to see he is still continuing to make progress. He asked me to go with him to see Lightning Thief and I said I would. So no real plans that I know of for V-day, but his parents didn't bring up going to his grandma's for lobster so maybe they know something I don't. I doubt it, but maybe. I think I will get a card and go from there. I will have it ready just in case.

Things are still going well...and much progress is happening...I hate waiting.

[Lucky11too]

A lot of interesting things last night. I think God's good about not giving us more then we can handle and sometimes he's able to show us a little bit of light right when we need it. The fact the H was openingly and physically affectionate is just awesome. That's really a huge step for him. Just keep the faith and wait to see what happens!

[awest1217]

I am very thankful because if H is going to keep making progress I want to stick with it. I want my marriage to work because I do love H. I hate waiting, and the hardest part is part of the reason everythign happened last year is because OW's husband has a job where he travels a lot this time of year. He is gone almost every other weekend. It all starts in two weeks. I don't know how I am going to handle all of that. I know OW will call H (his weakness is ignoring her, which I don't understand because he did it to me for three weeks) and ask to hang out. OW H will be gone a lot until the end of May so now when he is gone, she will call H and H has told me that he can't ignore he because then she gets worried and goes into a panic attack. I am going to see how this weekend goes and might have to have a little sit down next week to talk about my feelings.

[Lucky11too]

I'm not sure how you bring it up, but it sounds like H really needs to have a heart to heart talk with OW and explain that he is trying to work things out with you and will not be talking to her as much (or at all!) I understand H doesn't want to cause another person to have a panic attack, but if he was just open and honest with her, then this shouldn't be an issue. It sounds like until he is honest with her about his intentions with you, you guys can't move forward. Obviously all easier to say then to do, but it sounds like he's using these things as cruxes to hold on to her still. But this is definitely going to be a tough time for you I'm sure. It's really going to test his new devotion to you and your strength. But I agree with your idea about having a sitdown with him, so that at least if you make him aware of your feelings and concerns, he can be more aware to reassure and not fall trap to those things. Also gage his responses to your intereactions. For example, my H seems to have a panic attack anytime we talk about anything R related. It seems like your H has been open and willing to talk, which is a great thing. If so, that really gives you an opportunity to be open with your feelings and work thru them together. As they say, communication is key!