how do i keep my hope alive?

[trytryagain]

LOL. i'll get right on that, OTM. i've always wanted a peace prize!

i actually did tell him the other week at lunch that i've been reading a lot and it's helped me understand a lot more about myself and made me feel like our situation isn't completely abnormal and that a lot of other people go through these feelings. i've talked about how it's made me see myself differently, as well as our R and M, but, nothing seems to have sunk in with him just yet.

did just get a text from him that he felt scared and alone and that he didn't understand his feelings or what the source of the pain he was in was. he said his mom suggested seeing a new IC, so i just said, i'm sorry you feel that way and maybe seeing someone would help you sort those feelings out.

some of my interactions with him are not typical DB stuff, but like someone said here to me, you have to tailor advice to suit your situation because everyone's is different. and in all honesty, my H isn't the type of person who would respond to me going completely dark and not responding to him at all.

he's even said he doesn't feel like i am pushing him at all, so i'm almost starting to think that he's just in that overwhelmed place that he goes to in his head when he doesn't know where else to go. and i hate seeing him feel that way. i know i can't worry too much about how he's feeling, but i was born with a swollen empathy gland and i don't like to see ANYONE hurting and i always feel compelled to help. i know HE is the only one who can help himself and all i can do is pray for him and just continue working on myself, but i can't bottle up that feeling of wanting to be there for him, despite the fact that my heart is broken into a million pieces.

[Onthemountaintop]

"he's even said he doesn't feel like i am pushing him at all"

Has he ever wanted you too? I'm just asking because I'm wondering why he'd tell you that.

[trytryagain]

i don't know that he's wanted me to...he was saying he felt lost (among other things) and i said, i don't want to push you, but i'm here if you need to talk. his response was, you haven't been pushing at all. i don't know if that meant he was looking to me to pursue him or if he was just saying he didn't feel pressured by me.

[Onthemountaintop]

Have you ever pursued him since Jan 1?

[trytryagain]

ummmm...not really. i did some crying when he said he wanted to separate, but even during that initial conversation, i said, i can't make you stay, so if this is what you want...

my grandmother died on january 6. i assumed he would not want to come to the funeral, but he did, completely on his own accord. he said he wanted to be there to support me. he drove an hour to the airport here, flew into new orleans, and drove an hour to the funeral, only to turn around and go back less than 24 hours later. he was by my side the entire day of the funeral and even served as a pallbearer. we did not say one word about the R for about a week or so after this.

he asked me to lunch, i accepted and we talked about how we would divide things. since he moved out, i have only initiated contact once, otherwise, i wait to hear from him. i don't even know where he lives now, and i don't have a car anymore, so it's not like i could even take the drive by route if i wanted to.

i have done my best to give him space, be friendly but distant, and not throw myself on the floor in tears in his presence.

i have also made it clear that i had not lost faith in our M and that i wasn't ready to give up. but i would not say i have pursued him. with him, once he makes up his mind, there is nothing to do but sit back and wait, anyway.

[trytryagain]

i guess by responding to his texts and saying i was around to talk if he wanted to could be seen as pursuing, but again, it's the most response i've gotten out of him in the last few weeks.

[Onthemountaintop]

Is it possible that he is waiting to see that you really, really want the M forever?

Is it possible that the immense amount of committment and love you seem to have for him he just hasn't accepted / realized.

I really, really thought my W didn't care much for me and would eventually leave. This despite spending a bit of time together, going camping, ML, etc.

He may very well know how you feel. I'm just asking in case you didn't ask yourself.

[trytryagain]

i don't know, all of those things could be possible.

he did just call and leave me a message. he said he was going to try and find a counselor to talk to. and he ended the message by saying he loves me. he hasn't said that to me in over a month.

i can't imagine that my H would feel like i didn't care much for him, but maybe in his head he felt that way or he felt like he wasn't making me happy because i would seek assurance from him every few months (on the downside of my "wave" which i learned after reading mars and venus - so glad that one's in your que!). but i guess no one ever knows what someone else is really thinking.

i don't know how to respond to that message.

[Onthemountaintop]

Welcoming? If he went on a limb to say he loves you, why not return the favour? Not chasing him down, but reaching down to his core. I would love my wife to send me choc/card recognizing my work. Even if we D, I'd have one of those memories to keep. How would your H react or respond?

A counselor might make things worse, but it is a great option. Can he afford/would he accept for you to suggest a Divorce Busting coach?

[talia]

TTA,
You responded perfectly to his text about feelings. Keeping it neutral and pushing him to IC is a great idea. He needs to explore his feelings - he's still kinda looking to you to do that for him. When you can't it breeds doubt. Sounds to me like he has been looking to you to make him happy and now that its clear you can't he doesn't know what to do. He needs to learn to be happy himself... but none of that really matters since he doesn't read this forum...

Just remember - most people project... Usually what they say is wrong with you are the things that are wrong within them! At least that's true for my H...

The best thing you can do is lovingly encourage him to get some help dealing with his feelings... and believe that if you two are meant to be together that path will lead him home. Faith...

You guys (and me too) are doing alot of trying to read his mind. I know it makes you feel better to do that - and its OK on this forum a little bit - just be careful not to do it too much.
Believe nothing they say and half of what they do... that doesn't help if you are trying to read minds... be careful or you will drive yourself crazy!!