re bringing up the affair. It sounds like that's doing damage, so don't do it. If HE brings it up, state the SAME facts as always and then END the conversation. Leave the room or even your home if you have to. Don't let him BAIT you into a fight. Speak as if you KNOW he his with confidence. He's trying to bait you into an argument to prove it. If you lose the argument, then HE doens't feel guilty anymore. See? Just BYPASS the TRIAL. He's been found guilty already and the sentence is in. He keeps wanting to go back to trial. Don't engage him in that convo.
I don't call it snooping. I call it intel. Again I disagree with Michele Davis here. I DO think "snooping" as she calls it IS a good idea if the result is constructive. If you snoop and find a bill for flowers or something and THROW THIS in your H's face and yell at him.... Then intel was abused and not constructive. If you hold onto that and use that to know what's going ON its a good thing. I use intel all the time so I am as INFORMED as I can be. But I don't ACT IMPULSIVELY with the intel. If you can MANAGE the intel without letting your impulses take control and driving him away then collect intel. If its just giong to make you go crazy then don't do the intel.
The best thing to get is OWH's address. You can sit in yoru car outside the home and watch it until she laves and such...
I think its important to protest, but you need to manage the intenstity of the protest such that it makes him aware of your hurt so he ends his affair. Protest does work well if its public. He's in denail which is what we already suspected he would do. Right now I am trying to figure out if actual evidence would help you or not... he may just feel so ashamed he was caught he might push for divorce... Shame makes people RUN AWAY very often.
Shame does not alway smotivate people to OWN their mistakes and correct them.
What happens when a child breaks a dish and you get them to admit it? Do they offer to never go it again and to wash dishes for a month or do they just break into tears and run away? It's usually the latter.
Learning how to influence your husband's guilt to your marriage's BETTER is the key here. If his guilt is making him NOT enjoy his affair that's great. If its making him feel so ashamed he pursues divorce then we need to change what we are doing.
I find distance and silence, coupled with protest sends the strongest message.
1. I KNOW you are cheating 2. It hurts so keep away from me. 3. When the affair is over, we can negotiate like adults again.
