Is that gain worth the damage and risk you incur by pursuing that admission?
It's possible you think your pursuing his admission wears on his guilt even further. And you may be right...
I am not going to suggest pursuing that or not. I am going to suggest you don't do ANYTHING in your relationship without a good constructive reason. If you don't have good reason then you are acting on IMPULSE which is what HE's doing... that hardly ever ends well for anyone... Always have a goal when you say or do anything with your spouse. And ask yourself before you do it... will this get me closer to that goal?
There are a few different ways to handle this other than pursuit if you want. One of the best I think is to just BYPASS the proof part. Just act and speak as if you both know there's a PA happening and IGNORE him when he denies it. Just pretend you didn't even hear the denail.
W : Your affair is hurting our children, me, and you
H : I'm not having an affair.
W : Households experiencing affairs can repair the damage, and I am willing to work with a family therapist do try that.
H : There's no affair.
W : I won't wait forever.
H : I'm not cheating.
W : You are heading in the direction of a part-time father.
Wife walks away...
The OTHER thing is he may be playing with the MEANING of AFFAIR. You might want to find some articles outlinging Emotional affairs and how destuctive they are and put them in front of him.
He likley is just toying with some pathetic definition that doen'st fit.
MB I wish I had handled it the way Allen suggests!
But, I totally believed my WH only had an EA until some time in April when I forced myself to look up the credit card bills that I had filed but never scrutinized. Sure enough, I saw the 10/28/08 date for a stay at a nice hotel on the beach (3 days before I found out I was pg)
When I talked to my IC about it (who was going to be our MC originally and had talked 1:1 with WH), my IC said that sex often seals the deal for men. It is their way of being intimate and they "fall in love" once they sleep with a woman they are having an EA with.
HOWEVER EA or PA...the point is he is not making a choice for your M at this time. What do you want to do?
me,34 exH,34 S,16 months S:3/31/09-left for OW started DBing 10/09 d final: sometime 10/10 current: http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2022856&page=1 met in 2004
Thank you everyone, I agree that I need to stop pursing the idea of having H admit to the A. As puppy put in my other thread "The best revenge is GAL and being the best person you can be". I'm struggling with this, but I am getting better at it.
Together 16 years Married 12 years Me 36 H 34 D9 & S6 Separated 12/3/09 Confirmed A 1/25/10 Exposed A 1/26/10 H hired L, but not filed yet 1/27/10
Mb, if you asking about his affair and such is making him feel guilty such that he will eventually admit it and end it, then keep asking... I just don't know if that's likely to b the end result.
Suppose his guilt overhwelms him and he can't take it anymore... will that make him come clean, end his affair and go to FT with you, or will it make him pick a fight with you, STILL not admit to an affair, but he will instead divorce you outright?
Guilt doens't always make people nicer people... it may just make him desperate and impulsive... if he feels really guilty he may just divorce you to end the guilt...
I know it makes NO sense to divorce if you feel guilty, but tha'ts not gonig to stop him from doing it... affairs are senseless activities to start with...
If his guilt is giong to get you where you want your marriage to go then keep asking... just be aware of WHERE you are pushing him when you pursue this...
Guilt doens't always make people nicer people... it may just make him desperate and impulsive... if he feels really guilty he may just divorce you to end the guilt...
Man oh man does this ring true round these parts! IMO "making" someone feel guilty does not help them CHOOSE to end the A; it causes them to feel pressured or manipulated and they want to avoid the unpleasant person inflicting guilt and run to their safe mistress.
That's why I like Allen's suggestion of just stating the facts, and if he happens to feel guilty because of the facts you state, thank God- it means he IS human!
me,34 exH,34 S,16 months S:3/31/09-left for OW started DBing 10/09 d final: sometime 10/10 current: http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2022856&page=1 met in 2004
Let me see if I understand this correctly. I shouldn't bring up the A, or pressure him to talk about it, is that correct? If it does get brought up (by him), then tell him what Allen A suggested, as if he's already confessed it to me?
Should I keep snooping, and collecting evidence? Or do I just get in touch with OWH, and leave it at that? I cannot believe how hard it is to find someone's cell phone #. However, I do have someone trying to track down a phone # of anyone that might know OWH.
Allen A: I do agree that his guilt was leading him to get D as soon as possible. When I exposed to him that I knew, the very next day he went and got a L and filed. However, since then I have remained mostly calm, and non-emotional about it, as well as letting him know that even with the information I have, I still want to work on the M. It has defiantly made him slow down, and consider working on the M now more then ever before.
Together 16 years Married 12 years Me 36 H 34 D9 & S6 Separated 12/3/09 Confirmed A 1/25/10 Exposed A 1/26/10 H hired L, but not filed yet 1/27/10
re bringing up the affair. It sounds like that's doing damage, so don't do it. If HE brings it up, state the SAME facts as always and then END the conversation. Leave the room or even your home if you have to. Don't let him BAIT you into a fight. Speak as if you KNOW he his with confidence. He's trying to bait you into an argument to prove it. If you lose the argument, then HE doens't feel guilty anymore. See? Just BYPASS the TRIAL. He's been found guilty already and the sentence is in. He keeps wanting to go back to trial. Don't engage him in that convo.
I don't call it snooping. I call it intel. Again I disagree with Michele Davis here. I DO think "snooping" as she calls it IS a good idea if the result is constructive. If you snoop and find a bill for flowers or something and THROW THIS in your H's face and yell at him.... Then intel was abused and not constructive. If you hold onto that and use that to know what's going ON its a good thing. I use intel all the time so I am as INFORMED as I can be. But I don't ACT IMPULSIVELY with the intel. If you can MANAGE the intel without letting your impulses take control and driving him away then collect intel. If its just giong to make you go crazy then don't do the intel.
The best thing to get is OWH's address. You can sit in yoru car outside the home and watch it until she laves and such...
I think its important to protest, but you need to manage the intenstity of the protest such that it makes him aware of your hurt so he ends his affair. Protest does work well if its public. He's in denail which is what we already suspected he would do. Right now I am trying to figure out if actual evidence would help you or not... he may just feel so ashamed he was caught he might push for divorce... Shame makes people RUN AWAY very often.
Shame does not alway smotivate people to OWN their mistakes and correct them.
What happens when a child breaks a dish and you get them to admit it? Do they offer to never go it again and to wash dishes for a month or do they just break into tears and run away? It's usually the latter.
Learning how to influence your husband's guilt to your marriage's BETTER is the key here. If his guilt is making him NOT enjoy his affair that's great. If its making him feel so ashamed he pursues divorce then we need to change what we are doing.
I find distance and silence, coupled with protest sends the strongest message.
1. I KNOW you are cheating 2. It hurts so keep away from me. 3. When the affair is over, we can negotiate like adults again.
Allen A, Thank you. I do think his A is becoming less enjoyable. When the OW has called my H in the past (after our separation), she would block her phone # by using *67 so it showed up on my records as 99999999. Before we separated, she didn't do that, so that is how I have her cell#. However, Saturday night at 10pm she called his cell# without blocking her #. I have a feeling it's because she is pushing him, and now wants me to find out that they are still talking. I haven’t told my H that I’m still checking the phone records, and have not said anything to him about this intel.
I do think the shame and guilt has pushed my H to just want out of the M. He told me Saturday night that he doesn't understand why I would want to be with him, when he keeps hurting me and that I deserve someone better. He admitted that he is very depressed, and doesn't know what to do. He feels either decision he makes (D or M) he will regret. I just listened and finally told him that I know our M is capable of surviving this if we work together. However, I can't help him until he is ready to commit to the M. That night and the next day he texted me "I feel better after our talk" I just replied "I'm glad" and left it at that.
Together 16 years Married 12 years Me 36 H 34 D9 & S6 Separated 12/3/09 Confirmed A 1/25/10 Exposed A 1/26/10 H hired L, but not filed yet 1/27/10
If you can get the intel so you know what's going on and can control yourself... keep at it. The only reason NOt to do intel is (getting caught may bring divorce, but in your case i doubt it), or the intel makes you so upset you do damage to your marriage.
Have you found a FT that can talk with him? He sounds like he WANTS constructive advice. He sounds like he's drowing and hopeless... again not the state someone should be in when they choose to get romantically involved, but we both know that's not going to end well anyhow... its just a matter of time before that crashes and burns... they always do. If you can find him a friend or FT to talk to then DO that.
Your H needs to understand his feelings of HOPELESNESS right now are AFFECTING his confidence in his marriage.
If you feel hopeful, your marriage looks good, if you feel hopeless and depressed, your marriage will look miserable. He needs to know that he CAN'T decide the fate of his family based on his MOOD... he needs MORE than a MOOD to motivate divorce.
If you can get a marriage friendly friend or family member to TELL him this, that's best. Try to get your info to him THROUGH someone ELSE if you can.
Maybe asking him for commitment isn't best. He needs to know his affair is the obstacle to progress.. but it CAN'T come from you.. he must be told this by a good friend he trusts. Any idea who can talk to him?
mb, you did great w/ your talk on Saturday! No matter how you do it, OWH needs to know.
So if your H knows you don't approve of the A, you are not pressuring him right now, he knows you want to work on M, then... (VERY VERY HARD TO DO) I think MWD says to go about your life, (GAL) but try to think of areas where the OW is providing pleasure for your H and improve those areas.
But do not go for improving those areas if it is too painful for you...being distant+GAL might just be the best remedy.and patience....
me,34 exH,34 S,16 months S:3/31/09-left for OW started DBing 10/09 d final: sometime 10/10 current: http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2022856&page=1 met in 2004
