I'm having a bit of trouble with the "forcing you ... to go outside the marriage to get your needs met" bit. Nobody can FORCE anybody to make a particular choice. Both partners have issues which cause them to arrive at a particular impasse.
Also, I'm not sure it's helpful to characterize SSM's wife as almost as "cruel" as a castrator, since she would appear to be acting out of selfishness, tunnel vision, etc, but not out of deliberate cruelty. And if he has attempted to gain bullying/shaming power from her family, I doubt he's in a healthier headspace.
I certainly agree that both need to stop viewing themselves as victims of past hurts, take ownership of their particular parts in this co-dependent/enmeshed relationship, and choose to move towards healthy, adult love and sexuality.
SSM, you're still talking about "threatening the nuclear option." Read all the posts you've received again. Meaningful change won't come through threatening divorce. There is no magical formula which will make your wife love sex, or change in any other way you'd like her to. Either you have the guts to contemplate how your life would look if you got your needs met *with integrity* and then refuse to settle for anything less ... or you sell yourself short. You're only "SSMGuy" as long as you choose to see yourself that way.
