My H has asked for D via E-MAIL on 3 or 4 occasions---very rarely using the D word, but choosing things like "ending this," or "signing a simple dissolution of marriage." Each time he offers an "easier" form of divorce. Is the right answer really to be still?
I know I've failed at DB, although I really didn't want to fail----and I do admit, I'm not a very good student. But I still want help.
Me 45 M 25 yrs; T 31 yrs;bomb 8/15/06; moves out 7/18/08 D 18, D 14, S 12
I have retained the services of a lawyer to protect my interests in any divorce proceedings. However, as I am opposed to divorce, I will be taking no more steps to end our marriage.
TCBTE
Be still.
Everybody hurts. It's part of life. Don't miss the good stuff.
You do not want a divorce then do not go for one. Beyond, getting the lawyer to protect your interests.
You are coming across as helpless and I am sorry, that pisses me off more than anything else here...ok...no. That's not true...the I'm perfect I do not need to change anything why did they leave me mentality is worse.
You are far from helpless.
The stop having a pity party meant to start LIVING your life, instead of thinking you NEED him around to be happy...you want him around, and because of that 'want' you don't give up.
You do not give up because you feel helpless, you do not give up because someone told you too, you do not give up because it is what he wants, you give up for you, because it is the right decision for you. You are happy with it, you are at peace with it.
All of this is 'reacting' instead ACT from within YOU.
You want to know what to do?
DO FOR YOU!
Experience is a brutal teacher, but you learn. My God, do you learn. - C.S. Lewis
Life is usually all about how you handle Plan B. - Jack3Beans
Listen without defending; Speak without offending - FaithinAK
I've never felt helpless about anything until THIS. At times, especially lately, I wonder if I should have been more needy----asked for more help from H, rather than do it all on my own----maybe he would feel needed.
I do come here to vent about my situation, because to the rest of the world I need to be anything but helpless. Am I the pillar of strength and happiness on the outside----probably not since I feel like I'm dieing on the inside, but far from helpless. DESPITE this----I don't act miserable in front of H, with the exception of the first day or two after I get an e-mail asking for D.
I am not perfect. I know my faults. I've enumerated them many times, and shared them with H---which I know was anti-DB as well. I KNOW I could do better if given the chance.
I put my ring back on to focus. I know that H has noticed. I think this has pissed him off----but I don't care. He was unable to sit with me for S11's bb game Saturday. He walked up to the top of the bleachers where I was, as if he was going to. Stood for a little while and then walked back down. I later offered to help retrieve one of OUR vehicles from the service station (he had asked D16 to help, but she was busy and told me that it was stressing her out). He declined----but then I've declined his help with anything, so probably deserved that.
He has pretty much cut off all contact (again choosing to communicate through the kids), most likely waiting to hear from my attorney.
Me 45 M 25 yrs; T 31 yrs;bomb 8/15/06; moves out 7/18/08 D 18, D 14, S 12
Last night was supposed to be his night with the kids. He has scheduled baseball practice with s11's team for Monday nights. I expected to have the girls until practice was over (8ish), which has become the norm. D16 stayed at school late working on science fair. D13 was at home working on homework. H came to pick up S11, it was a quick stop. Later D13 told me that "dad says you need to feed me dinner on baseball nights." I was a little taken aback----not that I mind in the least, but she explained that he said he didn't have time to feed her after baseball. Not sure how s11 gets fed.............but anyway, I was a little upset that 1. HE didn't tell me or ask for the favor; 2. that he told her to tell me----but even with that, I was more than happy to fix dinner for her. D16 came home stressed about printer not working at school. I helped her print her research and soon got a text from H saying if D16 needed to work late on project that the girls should just stay. I answered "ok." Now, in the past, I would have done what it would take to get them on their way to his place----to make him happy, but I decided that if D16 needed to work to get her project done that came first. H could have come over to get D13----no need for her to stay, but I was just fine having them both for the night. Trouble came when he promised to bring D13 a shirt that was at his house and he didn't show up until we needed to leave, but he sent S11 in the house to drop it off and left. It was interesting at one point he sent me a text telling me to tell D13 to "check her phone." He had sent her a text with a question about what shirt she wanted. I answered "sure - but you can call her too." Our communication about the kids is JUST FINE.
I later got a text apologizing for making me late to work. I simply answered it was not a problem---that I was happy to be there to help D with her outfit---because she needed some help....... I was more worried about D13 being late to school. But anyway......that was my evening/morning.
Tonight (H's night too)D13 is to have softball practice. I will most likely have D16 and S11 most of the evening, and then take S11 to basketball practice. I guess I need to stop complaining about not seeing my kids. I've been told by some that are close to me that he doesn't get a clear picture of what divorce would be like, because I so so much for the kids---but they have to come first and I'm not going to have them left alone somewhere when they can be at home (with me).
Just posting to post.
Me 45 M 25 yrs; T 31 yrs;bomb 8/15/06; moves out 7/18/08 D 18, D 14, S 12
I know that my request for you to contact a lawyer to deal with me seemed to you like taking some act in furtherance of something you don't want. I only asked you to do that because it was the most non- legal course of action available. I thought of my request as the initiation of this process, but I understand that you disagree and you've decided not to contact anyone. Since you don't want to do that, I will take the first step by c hiring some mediation-friendly lawyer to complete the necessary legal documents for our divorce. My hope is that you will take these documents to your own mediation- friendly lawyer so we can get this done with minimal/no clourt involvement. If this is too much to ask, let me know.
And my response:
I continue to think that we should not divorce, but I know that that is what you want. Hiring a lawyer is not an easy task-----even when given a list of names to choose from. It is also not a quick process. I have made contact with an attorney to represent me and my interests, but I will not file or initiate the process. We have not met. I have only provided the documents she requested to review. When she has had a chance to do that, I'm sure she will be ready to review the legal documents that your attorney prepares.
Me 45 M 25 yrs; T 31 yrs;bomb 8/15/06; moves out 7/18/08 D 18, D 14, S 12
I continue to think that we should not divorce, but I know that that is what you want. Hiring a lawyer is not an easy task-----even when given a list of names to choose from. It is also not a quick process. I have made contact with an attorney to represent me and my interests, but I will not file or initiate the process. We have not met. I have only provided the documents she requested to review. When she has had a chance to do that, I'm sure she will be ready to review the legal documents that your attorney prepares.
Now go back to NC and live your life. I agree with your previous post about your H not knowing what a D is going to look like. That is not in his mind, only thing in his mind is to get rid of the pain, and you represent the pain to him(even though that is far from the truth).
Take the extra time you get with your kids as a gift. I know that it is enabling your H but I agree with you that your kids should come first, they will recognize who was there for them. My kids do!
It did take all I had not to remind him that in response to one of my e-mails in response to his telling me to get a lawyer (I know, hard to keep up....too many E-MAILS about ending our marriage) that he said I needed to contact a lawyer and he would contact a psychologist to see why he is so f&*(ed up................
Me 45 M 25 yrs; T 31 yrs;bomb 8/15/06; moves out 7/18/08 D 18, D 14, S 12
