Trying to move on

[ClingingToHope]

I was driving D10 to a birthday party this morning when she told me some developments with W. She says W is broke. She paid a few hundred dollars to a company and the company was supposed to hold the check. The company did not hold the check and she was on the telephone yelling at them.

So I wondered what that was about.

Then she told me something is wrong with refinancing the house. D10 said she was going to refinance but her lawyer told her not to.

So I'm trying to put those two things together. W mentioned last week when she was excited about refinancing that she paid $400 for an appraisal. I'm guessing she tried to halt the appraisal after her attorney told her not to refinance.

My guess on the attorney is that W told him she'd agreed to joint physical custody and a lower child support payment as long as we got the house payment lowered.

Over the course of 10 years, this was going to save me substantial money -- and when we were talking about it I told her an attorney would not like her agreeing to it.

But she did agree.

I'm guessing the attorney told her not to refinance until AFTER the D and to go for every dime possible. That's what attorneys do.

Maybe I'll bring it up this week to see what her reaction is. If this is going to get nasty then the first thing I'll have to do is stop giving her any money, make her file to get it. I've been much too nice so far.

Unfortunately I ran into W this morning picking D10 up from theater. I was hoping not to see her. I brushed her off as best I could. Forget the "shining" part. I just want to get this over with and figure out a way where she becomes as little a part of my life as possible.

[ClingingToHope]

Great weekend with the girls. They had a sleepover Friday night, a birthday party with ice skating Saturday and then we went to a friend's house for the Super Bowl. He has four daughters and they wrote out, rehearsed and then performed a little play.

Also made it to church for first time in a couple of weeks. It's good because it refocuses me. I've been feeling so much anger.

The message yesterday was about how people want to go through life without help -- always saying "I got this." The message was to give your life up to God and let him help.

I was sitting there thinking I did that all the time with W. I always wanted to come to her rescue but I rarely let her help me.

So I got all fired up to write her a letter to tell her that I did need her all of these years and was grateful for all of the help she did give me. But now I'm not so sure. I doubt it will change the situation whatsoever but at least it won't leave something unsaid.

I've been avoiding her at all costs so this would be a bit of curveball.

[awest1217]

It is good that you are looking at yourself. No matter what happens, you will have to deal with the anger and any other negative emotion before you will be able to move on in any relationship whether it is with W or someone new. I don't know about sending her the e-mail. At this point, it may seem a bit desperate. I think if you really feel that way then show her with your actions. I know it is hard, but don't avoid her, but instead when you see her with the girls make some small talk or at least smile. Be kind. I understand it is hard because you are so broken and upset about the direction of everything, but showing her is much better than just saying it.

Have a good week!

[ClingingToHope]

I've already talked myself out of the letter. From listening to D10, W has a lot on her plate. Plus, with Valentine's Day coming next week it would look desperate.

Side thing I'll have to figure out. I'm taking the girls to Medevil Times in two weeks and back in early January I told D10 I'd invite W.

I'd reconsidered when D10 told me she's ALREADY invited W and she said she'd come if it fit into her schedule.

I told D10 I didn't really want to. She asked why. She said W said we'd always be good enough friends to sit down at family functions like birthdays.

I told D10 W would think that way since she's the one rejecting me. For me, it's going to be hard.

I don't think I'm handling this that well with D10.

[Cie la vie]

I've already talked myself out of the letter.

I think this is a good call on your part. The letter would probably be perceived as pursuing in all likelihood. I have struggled with the idea of reaching out with heartfelt letters or conversation but feel it would be met with deaf ears/eyes at this point. However, prior to the bell tolling I will take my last shots as I will have nothing more to lose at that point.

She said W said we'd always be good enough friends to sit down at family functions like birthdays.

I feel the same as you when it comes to being friends. I'll will be friendly with the X but don't see being friends at least from my current vantage point. Maybe in time, but I look at any early post D attempts by my X to get together as cake eating.

If the D is what she wants and gets than she doesn't get any of me.

[awest1217]

This is the part that is hardest with D. You are still both parents and honestly share the girls. From now until forever, you both will be at the important dates for the girls; birthdays, plays, meets, recitals, graduation, wedding, grandchildren's births, and then it all starts over. You will always see each other, and it is hard to decide if you are going to share those times or do them separately (at least the birthday part). It is hard to know what to do. I hope you find some strength to decide.

[Cie la vie]

This is the part that is hardest with D. You are still both parents and honestly share the girls. From now until forever, you both will be at the important dates for the girls; birthdays, plays, meets, recitals, graduation, wedding, grandchildren's births, and then it all starts over.

You hit the nail on the head. Permanently teathered by the children. Time will tell how those events will play out. I initially do not anticipate sharing many of these events side by side with the X. I'll need to weigh the effects on the children with those on me and clearly do what is in the best interest of the kids.

The BS my W has put me through regardless of whether or not she is a MLCer or not will make it very difficult for me to stomach her by my side anytime soon.

[ClingingToHope]

So W calls today. She gives me the dates she is taking for vacation, which I requested, then she tells me she is asking for Aug. 9-13 off, but she's not taking the girls that week.

She tells me she's going to Sturgis, S.D., with her best friend. That's the site of a major motorcycle rally. So I ask her if that's where she's going.

She said she's not riding a motorcycle down there, she's riding with her best friend.

I didn't say more than a word for the rest of the conversation. She knows I know about her small-town friend. I honestly don't think it's an PA. I still think this is just her having a gang of friends outside of my circle to hang out with.

Still, for some reason I am really, really angry. She hasn't filed any D papers and now she has plans to go to South Dakota with a bunch of biker buddies.

I'd like to at least be divorced before she goes. I really, really, really want to call her on it. Tell her she should at least have the decency to divorce me before hanging out with a bunch of 50 something drunken bikers.

Then part of me says play it cool. Don't show anything. Let her run her life into the ground. She's broke now. In nine months who knows where she'll be.

Today -- right now -- in this moment -- I hate her.

[Cie la vie]

Then part of me says play it cool. Don't show anything. Let her run her life into the ground. She's broke now. In nine months who knows where she'll be.

Sounds to me like she is speeding down a road that leads to a cliff. And you are right she's going to be hanging out with a crew of over the hill drunk tough guys. Nice choice. Kind of mirrors my W buffonish moves.

All you can do is focus on you and your kids and making all the right grown up moves and do you best to not think about what nonsense she is up to. Don't bother asking her what she is doing with her free time or vacation time as long as it doesn't affect the kids. She might simply enjoy the torment it may cause you, don't give her the satisfaction.

I've have a similiar event staring me down right now. My W is going to your state to meet OM1 for the weekend and lucky for her I have the kids that weekend. She made sure I knew about it by putting it down on our parental calendar "WAW out" Fri-Sun. It wasn't necessary to inform me of what she had scheduled with her free weekend but there it was. I haven't and will not make any mention of it to her.

I'm in, "I could give a eff" mode with what she does. I hope I can maintain that attitude for the foreseeable future.

Play it cool.

[ClingingToHope]

Thanks, CLV. I'm going to try. Especially since I'm in a ticklish spot when it comes to the eventual D. She agreed to joint physical custody and a lower support payment in theory as long as we worked out the house stuff. She pitched a plan to me and I agreed.

But D10 told me her lawyer told her not to refinance so I'm worried she'll go back on what we agreed to. I've been using this forum to kind of keep track of things. I would hope I could build a reasonable case that we've essentially had shared custody since August. They stay with her more nights, but I see them more days.

I really wanted to give her a piece of my mind and even called. She didn't answer. Perhaps that was God's plan.

I have to go back to trying to improve myself emotionally, physically, spiritually and financially.

Today, scored the basketball games, made $35. Didn't spend anything. Good.

Emotionally, talked to my aunt and sister after call with W. Neutral. Too much anger.

Physically, played about 25 minutes tonight in my men's basketball game. Made some stupid plays, otherwise, did alright.
Good.

Spiritually, nothing yet. I'll try to memorize a psalm before bed.