It's interesting that when I think of an ultimatum, or solid boundaries, the confusion goes away and I can focus and think straight.
When it's any other way it just gets VERY muddled up.
I feel really bad that the person I have cared for the most, for the majority of my life is not able to see what is going on, or what part she plays in it all.
If you met her at work or someplace, you would (like most people do) think she is just fine and one of the nicest persons you'd ever know. As normal as anyone. (If you were a player you'd probably notice right off she is vulnerable/available.)
But if you have much of a personal relationship, you would find you just have a hard time really getting close and her to be very inconsistent with her behavior.
The closer you are, the more evident it is.
Thanks to all who have responded! And yes-it IS frustrating at times when you need a lifeline and nobody throws one. So many thanks to all of you for giving your opinions. I'm not sure what exactly is the right thing to do at this time, but I have a much better sense of the direction I should be going.
D and family was just here, and guess who else showed up unannounced? Yep. Was nice, but could not set down any B's with G-kids here. I did ask what was going on with the R and she said I asked too many ? Nice.
DBS, There is an excellent book called Boundaries in Marriage by Dr.Cloud. You may want to read it and get some insight before your chat with your wife. Although this is a terrible and heartwrenching situation, try not to let it control your life. Doing things for yourself, things that make you happy and not allowing her to be the focus will help. Blessings,
There can be no testimony without a test. I am praying to go through this test and come out the other end with a new and better marriage then before.
One great thing I found through my experiences...is that I forced my mind to accept that our relationship was over. I was still friendly and engaging, but in my mind our relationship was done. It helped my cope better with the muddiness of it all. Even if you don't set the boundary with her about getting counseling, etc....you can operate in the mindset that it is over until she starts those things.
Example being that my wife would confide in me and then flirt a little bit. Because I had my mindset in place I didn't take it as "She is coming out of the fog"...I took it purely as she was being nice, but our relationship is still over. I kept this mindset as much as possible until she finally said that she wanted to work on rebuilding our marriage.
As Jack has said before, be very weary of your words, delivery, everything when you deliver your boundaries. In your case...your wife is used to be controlled by others. She could go a couple ways....she could blow up with resentment or worse, she could comply out of fear and not really follow the boundaries with her heart. More just satisfying the controller instead of seeing the opportunity for self improvement.
My money is on the "blow up with resentment" approach.
Feb 15 is b-day. No go, and it's no go. That gives her 2 days to get me served and save on the $ she has already spent for the filing, or I find out who to talk with and go sign for them myself.
I will do it kindly, but firmly and no matter the result it WILL be moving the R forward.
W called last night to check on how my Dad was doing. Hers and mine have serious health issues right now.
I asked if she could remember what hers had done to her and why none of them have not confronted him, and if they were hoping to get an apology from him before he died.
Wow-opened pandora's box there. Before it was all done though, I got to hear again of how it was really me that had screwed her up all these years, and not him. I listened, validated and listened some more. Did not get upset. After 20 minutes of just listening to the pain and deep anguish she is dealing with and has for many years, she suddenly had to get off the phone which was ok. She was almost hysterical in the crying and pain.
After listening to it I still believe the best thing I could do for her and me is to follow through with a divorce. On the flip side-the worst thing I could do for her is to follow through with a divorce.
On one hand it seems clear she could never really be a wife to me because of all the pain I have caused her. On the other, I think she would really feel deserted by me as I'm the only one she'll talk to about these things. I think she feels like she cannot afford to have IC, but won't take $ to do it. Like she wants to be stuck in her misery?
I am going to proceed as nicely as I can to follow up on HER filing and do what response is required of me, letting her know she can still talk and I'll listen, but the husband wife thing is going to have to be put waaay on the back burner, or taken off the stove altogether.
I feel for her deep anguish, but I cannot be sucked into it at the same time. It's complicated for sure.
I called the court today, and I just need to go sign the filing acknowledging I received them there by Feb 16th and it goes back to her.
I think rather then doing that right now I will go on my week fishing trip next week, come home, then go sign them on the 16th and then use an attorney friend who volunteered his time to do the legal reply and let that get back to her. No real need to talk, send a letter or anything else. Let the process she started run it's course and let her have the responsibility to follow up on what she started.
LFW-That is pretty much what is happening, as far as just in my mind this M is over. I'll be nice and kind, listen and validate, and even hear what she is saying, take it to heart and make sure I am not doing those things that are negative anymore and go to work on me. Many of her complaints are valid. Less now then back 20 years or so ago where she likes to go with the convo, but I can still do better. For my sake, and whatever other R there might be in the future.
Her comments about me still being the ahole of ahole's (she said it nicer then that) but that's the gist, is one I've heard for 15 years. She even acknowledged that I really did NOT say anything about what she should do with her $, but that it comes from control issues many years ago, she just remembers them and it trips a trigger in her mind about all the lousy treatment (this is where the uncontrollable crying comes in, and I do feel guilty about those things.) It just impressed on me that nothing has really changed despite whatever changes I might have made, her perception is there have not been any. Reality tells me that her perception will never change, no matter what I do, and the best thing I can do not only for me, but for her, is to move forward. Always forward. Give her complete space and freedom to discover...I was only a part of the problem.
Indeed the only thing it seems at this point that will get her started on the road of self introspection and confronting her issues (rather then it always being the JA husband) is to be divorced and not have anyone else to blame when life is still miserable ) although I am sure I will always be the reason it is.
Forward. I can feel that 10lb bass on my line already.
If I am not on here for awhile, you'll know my bro and I have been manapped in mexico and my wife would not pay the ransom. (Like I'm really worth anything right now).
W called the day after the 28th consecutive "YOU ruined my life speech" to see if I was ok from her verbal beating she administered. I replied I was, and that it was good for her to vent (how many vent sessions does one need to feel better?)
Just checking she asks. Ok I say. Have a good day-talk to you later. Goodbye.
Next day she calls to let me know our daughter in Phx (200 miles away) has some medical issues and she is going down to help. Can I come over and pick up anything to take down? She asks. No thanks I say. Talk to you later-goodbye.
Like all of a sudden she is a delivery service? Has to come over after the boycotting? I find myself getting mildly ammused over this, but more so just tired of it.
I'm minding my P's & Q's till I can get to Mexico and chill for awhile. It is refreshing to get to a point that you discover, you really don't need them to survive after all. It even gets you a little po'd at yourself for even thinking that all these years. I believe we are seeing some progress.
It is refreshing to get to a point that you discover, you really don't need them to survive after all. It even gets you a little po'd at yourself for even thinking that all these years. I believe we are seeing some progress.
It is a GOOD thing. Keep the door open on the possibility of her coming around. If you start allowing a smugness into your decisions than it becomes a bad thing however.
Experience is a brutal teacher, but you learn. My God, do you learn. - C.S. Lewis
Life is usually all about how you handle Plan B. - Jack3Beans
Listen without defending; Speak without offending - FaithinAK
