"When you blatantly avoid updating me on the girls I feel like you don't care about my feelings. I want you to tell me what is going on in my kids' lives. If you continue to keep me out of the loop on their lives I see no need for me to do you any favors."
Next boundary:
"These last six months you have treated me with contempt. I feel that I deserve more than that. I want that to stop. If you continue to think that I'm your enemy and treat me like one then I don't see why I should be helping you."
Letter-perfect. Both.
Originally Posted By: Puppy Dog Tails
Originally Posted By: TooLateForMe
I don't want to upset her.
And therein lies your problem.
BINGO!
TooLateForMe: Heed!
p.s./aside: Guys, please visit Gypsy over at Surviving today.
Last edited by Gardener; 02/08/1004:30 PM.
Gardener
"My soul, be satisfied with flowers, With fruit, with weeds even; but gather them In the one garden you may call your own." Cyrano deBergerac
Upsetting her = communication shutdown. I want dialog. I've gone out of my way to show her I understand her POV, and want the same from her. She spent the last 6 mos disregarding me, but I spent that time trying to force her to pay attention. She's resistant to opening up and she'll think this is another attempt to worm my way into her life.
I'll sketch out a few short versions and run them by my C today, taking everyone's advice into account.
~Mark
Me: 38 W: 34 Together: 9yrs 1st M: may '03 1st D: april '08 1st bomb: june '08 remarried: oct '08 2nd bomb: aug '09 --(W asked for D one week into 3 mo. trial separation which was meant to save our M)
"I feel you have treated me like x. Examples a,b, c. If you continue this, I will treat you the same way. This means no favors until I feel my feelings are important to you. Yours are to me and I will listen to any concerns you have."
I do want to communicate that this is how I FEEL. She may feel that she has taken my feelings into consideration, that she has done a lot to she appreciation. It can't be about blame, in either direction, but about communication.
Last edited by TooLateForMe; 02/08/1005:42 PM.
~Mark
Me: 38 W: 34 Together: 9yrs 1st M: may '03 1st D: april '08 1st bomb: june '08 remarried: oct '08 2nd bomb: aug '09 --(W asked for D one week into 3 mo. trial separation which was meant to save our M)
Um... correct me if I'm wrong... but hasn't she already made it perfectly that she doesn't GAS about how you feel?
From my experience WAW's don't respect feelings... because those are feminine attributes. Women respect men who are not afraid of them and who will stand up to them because if a man can do that he will also STAND UP FOR THEM.
Good luck with the C.
M:11 | T:12 | Status: Married 4C's of WAS communication: Cool, Calm, Collected and CONFIDENT
"I feel you have treated me like x. Examples a,b, c. If you continue this, I will treat you the same way. This means no favors until I feel my feelings are important to you. Yours are to me and I will listen to any concerns you have."
Hi, I've been lurking and just wanted to give my opinion...the red sounds childish. The blue is unclear...how will she know that she has shown that your feelings are important to her?
I actually find gnosis' suggestion for wording to be attractive...strong and confident. Since you know your W and we don't, any way to blend the two(your latest idea and gnosis)?
just giving a female POV
Last edited by newmama; 02/08/1006:49 PM.
me,34 exH,34 S,16 months S:3/31/09-left for OW started DBing 10/09 d final: sometime 10/10 current: http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2022856&page=1 met in 2004
A HUGE hurdle is my history of demanding and aggressive behaviors. Standing up and being strong and confident may give the impression of aggression and petulance. Not what I want.
I'm on board w/ most of the suggestions, but I want her to know that her POV is important to me as well.
We each have requirements re: respect and consideration. If they aren't being met, we should be able to discuss them without drama.-- maybe that's a good way to phrase it to her?
Thanks to all who have chimed in. I appreciate the advice.
~Mark
Me: 38 W: 34 Together: 9yrs 1st M: may '03 1st D: april '08 1st bomb: june '08 remarried: oct '08 2nd bomb: aug '09 --(W asked for D one week into 3 mo. trial separation which was meant to save our M)
I don't get 'agressive', but I manage to talk in ways that often get the other feeling that. My IC said it was a 'condesending' and 'critical' outlook. I think that comes out for my W much more than anyone else, but she manages to exaggerate my responses, making it easy to overreact.
It's a very tough thing to control. But control it as much as you can!
"I feel you have treated me like x. Examples a,b, c. We each have requirements re: respect and consideration. If they aren't being met, we should be able to discuss them without drama. I will not be able to do any favors for you until you begin to treat me with respect. Your feelings are important to me and I will listen to any concerns you have."
and I will butt out now!
me,34 exH,34 S,16 months S:3/31/09-left for OW started DBing 10/09 d final: sometime 10/10 current: http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2022856&page=1 met in 2004
Before you do anything regarding the taxes, get legal advise. I know that someone else said that earlier but I feel like you're just glossing over that. It's very important. You don't want to put yourself in a worse position giving in to her demands. And, by the way, why shouldn't you be the one to take your girls shopping? You have know idea how much that would mean to a little girl.
As far as keeping up with them, make a list of all their activites, events, etc. Contact the groups yourself to find out about what's going on. There's no reason you can't get the info for yourself. Your relationship with your kids is up to you...not her.
