FM said: My question now is: is it a trial separation when the H is planning to date? I just don't know how to feel about this. I feel like an idiot, listening to my husband casually talking about dating. What am I supposed to say to things like that??
Did you two discuss the terms of the separation clearly when he moved out or did he avoid the topic? Seems if that conversation hasn't happened yet, as soon as you can handle it might be the time. The rejection ick is awful. I'm with you on the desert.
Did you two discuss the terms of the separation clearly when he moved out or did he avoid the topic? Seems if that conversation hasn't happened yet, as soon as you can handle it might be the time.
I guess we didn't really discuss the terms except H agreeing to continue paying bills and us agreeing on keeping things relatively stable for the kids. I hesitate to talk about the terms of separation, because I don't really have any input on his choices at this point, other than parenting issues. Basically, I get the sense that he feels that he can do whatever he wants as long as he fulfils his parenting responsibilities. I don't see how we could talk about the terms of separation without getting into R and D talk, both of which are forbidden right now.
me: 42 | STBXH: 41 | T: 18 | M: 10 | separation: Jan 3, 2010 | they deserve better: S7 & D4 current thread: http://tinyurl.com/3y8sxcp .: first breathe, then heal, then start LIVING :.
I don't knoe that I agree with no R talk to the extent that you have to live with the uncertainty surrounding dating, but I'm no DB expert either. If you would rather know the honest truth, and he is willing to provide it, maybe it would be one of the FEW R talks worth having so at least you can know what you're dealing with either way. I'm sure someone will chime in and disagree or not.
I'm not suggesting you have input on his choices, but in certain towns you might find out anyway. To my mind, why not have it come from the source instead of hearing about it third hand? Do you think he told your best friend that because he knew it would get back to you and he was avoiding the conversation? My H goes around acting like he has sworn off women, which is ridiculous. Obviously he will date again. He claims not for a long , long time. His insinuation is that our R has messed with him too badly. But he refers regularly to when I will be dating someone, even though I've made it clear I have no interest in doing so and am not the one who intiated the separation. This whole business is touchy and weird. But we've agreed that while we're in the "still deciding" phase that we aren't going to complicate it with other people. Even with that agreement in place, there is no way to tell if each other is being honest. And there's always the "not dating but lining up who I will date as soon as I decide" factor, which to me is the same thing. Ick. Sorry you are going through this.
So last night and this morning the grief is hitting me pretty hard.
me: 42 | STBXH: 41 | T: 18 | M: 10 | separation: Jan 3, 2010 | they deserve better: S7 & D4 current thread: http://tinyurl.com/3y8sxcp .: first breathe, then heal, then start LIVING :.
I felt absolutely sick for the first four or five months even though I was still going about my business. It's awful, but normal, if that's any consolation. It starts easing up a little bit more at the six month point but still comes in waves. Hang in. Have your cry and then go about your business and your GAL for the day.
about discussing dating...it could be part of your boundary definition during separation. You ask (brainstorming here) "so, are we choosing to date other people during our separation?"
he says blah blah "why?"
you say "I thought you were implying that you might date so I wanted clarification on what we were agreeing to do during our separation."
then you drop it/change subject. I don't know if this is good advice but it isn't applying pressure about ending the separation and choosing reconciliation....
me,34 exH,34 S,16 months S:3/31/09-left for OW started DBing 10/09 d final: sometime 10/10 current: http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2022856&page=1 met in 2004
me: 42 | STBXH: 41 | T: 18 | M: 10 | separation: Jan 3, 2010 | they deserve better: S7 & D4 current thread: http://tinyurl.com/3y8sxcp .: first breathe, then heal, then start LIVING :.
