I participated in a power struggle with my H for many, many years. We both took the stance "when I get my way you will get yours". We both had *very* different ideas of what a marriage should look like and instead of combining those ideas we both decided our individual was was the only "right" way and it led to our demise.
I am a "talker" when it comes to feelings, issues or needs. My H is not. I never felt heard and I was always frustrated he would not get "deep" with what he was feeling or needing.
I think I lost respect for my H a long time ago due to his lack of communication, his fear of failure and his "black and white" outlook on life. I also lost a ton of respect for him when my father died and when his mom got sick. His behavior during those times was childish, mean and inexcusable. The more I tried to talk to him about it, the more mean he got. I wish I had gotten outside help at that time as I think things might be different now.
I had a terrible habit of holding grudges even after something was discussed and bringing it up again when a new argument happened. My H actually did the same thing except he never verbalized his grudges, I did.
My H and I both had communication issues. In fact, when things were good between us we did see a marriage counselor many years ago with the hope we could improve our communication. I do believe she did nothing but hurt us more. We would sit in her office and go "round and round" about the same issues and she would tell us that we need to improve our communication skills and end our power struggle. We knew that going in, lol! We went to her so she could teach us how! We stopped going after a few months as it was useless.
I compromised huge parts of myself to keep the peace with my H. He grew up as a very spoiled only child and always got his way. He carried that to our marriage and I allowed it but silently resented him for it.
What it all boils down to is communication. Our lack of healthy communication really killed so much of what made us "us" early on. Had we both learned how to better communicate I do believe we would have made it for the long haul. My H doesn't believe R's should be "work" but had we handled things in a different way I don't think the "work" would have been as hard as he thought.
