Thanks - yes - will be 48 tomorrow - already updated my signature. For whatever it is worth - just getting messages from the two of you has been so uplifting - thanks again for sharing. I am really doing OK I think at the moment, although I dont share your optimism about things working out with W. Funny thing is I am really usually a very optimistic person, but I think hearing the W say over and over - "I am not in love with you", "I don't want to be married anymore", "You need to be out of this house", "I want a Legal Seperation", - it does tend to wear on my sense of what chance we have to reconcile. She is so excited about giving me the LS papers, and I know she's chomping at the bit to have me sign them and put it into effect. I know in my heart that will be her justification for either continuing or starting her PA. I will not be giving up hope for sure, but all of that does sometimes squash hope, at least for me. Regardless - I know I have to be strong, stay strong, appear strong and look the other way. I continue to keep my 180 awareness up. And I WILL have a good birthday no matter what. Good to hear your kids doing ok and that you both spend time with them too, I know that I consider that time more valuable than gold, and it is what fuels my happiness - shame that W doesn't see things that way - but like you said - things will get better - I hope you are right.... later....
Me: 48 W: 47 M: 25 years T: 30 years S24, D21, D11 Bomb dropped: "Not in love with you" 10/09 Separated Feb 2010
I've taken the time to get caught up on your sitch and there are aspects of it that parallel mine. You are my age and your W is the same age as my W. My W served me with D papers 10/16/09 and I later discovered she was having an affair EA/PA. It has morphed since. Anyway, do follow the advice of those who are in the know Sandi etc.
I know the hopeless feelings that kind wash over you even when you maybe in a good place mental the sumami will hit. Remember you will get incrementally better over time and it may be imperceptable but it is happening. I can't tell you where things will end up for you and your marriage but keep you chin up and continue to move forward with your life.
Happy Birthday Tom. Hang tough, things will improve for you.
M48/W47 M15/T22 S3 D3 In House Separation 10/06/09 W files for D 10/16/09 OM1 discovered 10/28/09 (PA) OM2 in mix early Jan. W moved out 1/26/10 In Mediation (Settlement in prep)
You are doing well....I will always suggest daily review of Sandi's list....it is one of the best resources on this site. Really a window into the world of a WAW.
On moving out....I like your stance and one I followed. There is no reason for you to move out unless a court says so...let it get nasty by your wife's actions. That is just a hole she is digging. As far her continually bringing it up...I will make a response suggestion "I am sorry to hear that you are intent on separating the household. If you are so intent on this course of action maybe you should find an apartment for yourself?"
On the pictures...I would say nothing at this point. I would hold on to them and share the information with your lawyer including dates, etc. I think NY is a no-fault state so it won't help in court. The one thing I would do is research the guy...from his picture there should be enough info to track him down. Do an internet search on the JPG name or number....a know your enemy before you move tactic. I wouldn't be surprised to find out he is a married high school classmate of your wife...and you could use that to your advantage. Other wise what they talk about and do online....don't concern yourself with it. You now know something is going on and that is all you need to know...everything else is just useless pain for you.
Exercising is awesome...pure awesome. I don't mean the walk either (which is plain good for you) but I mean exercising to pure exhaustion. IT will clear your mind, the endorphins make your feel better, and it is easier to sleep. So while I do like the walking, pump it up with something that will kill yourself. I mean doing it right to the point of making yourself sick. That is the type of exercise that will help and you will be surprised how losing a quick 20 pounds and adding a bunch of muscles changes how the world and yourself see you.
Thank you all - I do feel good today - and am determined not to let anything effect me negatively today. Felt much better too after another lawyer visit - reality is in my sitch, there is not a lot to haggle about anyway. I am one of those NYer's who lost everything 18 months ago in the financial collapse (its always the worker bees in these things who suffer the most) and still trying to claw my way back. So for a LS its my salary, custody/visitation, and debts. I've come to the realization that we (W and I) have agreed to most of it, including adjustments to it, and 2 lawyers told me its fair, so there is no point in fighting and trying to change it anymore, or change her feelings. We had a long talk last night, first time in a long time, and I kept my 180 I think. So my plan at the moment is to enjoy my day, sign modifed agreement this weekend if its ready, and get on with my life. W will have her freedom, I will have to get a place to stay soon, and I will keep my focus on my outlook and my relationship with kids. As discussed all over this site and elsewhere in all my research - I cannot fix her and the best thing is to let her find her way to the next chapter alone, and be there if she decides to approach me to talk. I definitely am going to start running at least - and take it from there. I am scared but I am more focused at this moment with reality than I have been in a long time. On to my next meeting - talk later......
Me: 48 W: 47 M: 25 years T: 30 years S24, D21, D11 Bomb dropped: "Not in love with you" 10/09 Separated Feb 2010
Happy belated birthday! I think most men are very attractive at that age. Usually it is b/c they have grown as a person. It's not all about hair & muscles.
Keep doing the good work, Tom. You are going to get through this.
It is not about what you feel should work in your M. It is about doing the work that gets the right results. Do what works!
Hi all - thank you. Have a busy schedule today - Saturday - so that is good to keep my mind off of sitch. I am keeping my 180 as best I can see outwardly - but today one of those days where inside it hurts - but - I am fighting thru that stuff as it comes upon me. Snowing here in NY - so I will get a workout shoveling today also. Should start an exercise routine today - kind of a symbol to get my life off in a new direction.....Just have to DO IT!!! Easier said than done !!! Later
Me: 48 W: 47 M: 25 years T: 30 years S24, D21, D11 Bomb dropped: "Not in love with you" 10/09 Separated Feb 2010
I wished more people had the determination to press forward and make their life go on.....like you are doing. Yes it is hard, but you "are" doing it, Tom. That is what counts. Don't beat yourself up if and when the hurt hits, b/c after all....you are human and you have to feel some of that in order to grieve and keep living. I really admire a man who shows his inner strength by not allowing himself to sink in total dispare. Maybe I'm not stating this very well, but I hope you know what I mean. You are working to help yourself.....and that is what you should be doing. Good job!
It is not about what you feel should work in your M. It is about doing the work that gets the right results. Do what works!
Thanks, but I'm not perfect and it is hard and I had a slip yesterday. My W, 2 daughters, and I were all at my younger daughters Twirling competition Sunday morning. W's text's etc keep coming and she gets up to go to the bathroon. Kids ask me where mom is after half hour, and I just said she's on the phone in the hallway - which we all knew anyway - I had seen her when I had to hit the bathroom. When she did come back and they asked where she was - she said she was on phone with her sister and sister in-law planning movie date - but I know this NOT the case and that was a lie. We fought later in the afternoon about her lying - it just was so much anger bottled up I couldn't contain anymore. I confronted her about the picture of her too - she said I wouldn't understand and it was a joke. (Sure nice joke!!) I have a LOT of anger and resentment towards her, but I spoke my peace, let it be know how I FEEL to her, and thats that. I feel better, even if that was critical mistake in DBing. I'm a very quiet and reserved person normally, but I just had to let some steam out and I feel a lot better today that I got some final things off my chest before we seperate. While I hurt like hell inside, I am really determined and focused now to get an apartment w/ my son (will find out if we got it tonight) and start next phase of my life. Getting that anger out really helped my attitude, so even if I was wrong, it helped me to feel better. Back to work - more later...... I feel a lot stronger today.....
Me: 48 W: 47 M: 25 years T: 30 years S24, D21, D11 Bomb dropped: "Not in love with you" 10/09 Separated Feb 2010
!!! Later