I've hit a wall.. Now what?

[chatterbug]

Talia. Is the goal of this letter. LRT? With an out? Or is the goal to end it all?

[talia]

I think the goal is to call his bluff. He's cake eating, I'm paying more than I should be cover all of our joint bills and he's off enjoying his affair (presumably) while I work two jobs and barely make ends meet.

Time for him to Sh!t or get off the pot. He keeps putting off filing for D trying to get me to file jointly. The fact that I don't want to means I'm stalling his happiness and his ability to move on with his life, according to him.

What I want is to let him know that, while its not what I want and I would consider counseling/reconciliation, I'm not living like this anymore. I don't deserve to struggle while he cake eats. I've never REALLY confronted him about OW - I've asked and he's denied. He's had no consequences so far - other than some fallout from friends. This is my way of standing up for myself I guess....

I'm not sure totally what my goals are yet... that's why I haven't sent it yet. I'm not sure entirely how I feel and this is the beginning of me forming that.

Here's what I know:
I don't want to meet with him.
I have nothing to say to him while he's in an affair.
I'm not holding him back, or ruining his happiness.
I'm sick of everyone in his life pretending OW doesn't exist and that he didn't really DO THAT.
He's letting everyone believe that the reason we are splitting is because I refused to have children - which is NOT the truth.
I still want (I think) to spend the effort to SEE IF we can put this marriage back together without the OW involved.
If we can't work to put this back together, than he can move forward with this D and stop with the limbo.
I don't want to file for D but I will if I have to.

Not sure that this helps, some of it is just me thinking things through. What I want is the letter to convey how I feel and new boundaries for dealing with me, than not talk to him again unless its on my terms....

[hhh]

Hi Talia,
Was thinking of you over the weekend. Did you meet with your L? Hope that made you feel better about things. Sounds like we're in a bit of a similar situation (lots of feelings to sort through about what you want and how you want to proceed) but I'm starting to switch into full steam ahead mode/moving on - more formally, I guess - and things were relatively amicable w H this weekend w him agreeing to pay me back for tuition.

Best to you..I know this is an icky process. Stay strong and we're all here for you. Come on and vent and list yor goals and do whatever you need!
((talia))

[jasper67]

Talia- our attitudes are mirror images of one another-
There may come a point when we will have to file for D to save ourselves.

I commend you for your spine and realistic view, I know what it's like to be demonized while our SP are sympathized with.

UGH- I give you credit though- if you dont want to meet w/ him- don't

[talia]

Thanks HHH!! I hope to stop over to your sitch today -CONGRATS on talking to H about the tuition!!! SCORE one for you!!! It never hurts to ask!! (((HHH)))

Thanks Mayn - I feel like its still too early for me to file, but I'm willing to if needed - that's a big step for me!

I did meet with the L this weekend and he pretty much told me what I already knew. H can't really do anything to hurt me by filing first or by me pi$$ing him off
L agreed that its time to call H's bluff and asked me to copy him on the email. He's a friend of mine so technically I'll be Pro-Se but he's going to be looking over everything as I go. I feel better knowing I've got help.

According to L the fact that H abandoned me financially and hasn't helped pay the house since he left means he has no claim. He can't force me not to file for bankruptcy (apparently its your constitutional right) which he has been trying to do. I don't want to do that - but we have a lot of joint debt and part of me just doesn't want to deal with dividing it up since he's already ruined my credit, I might as well start over. Having a run in business that failed doesn't do well for your credit in general... plus H's spending habits and well... do they offer a credit score of 0??
L also says that H would be totally stupid to try and kick me off his health Ins - a judge would instantly reinstate me and he would get in trouble. So really I have no major concerns about telling him to stuff it.

My #1 goal through this is to keep my house. That's all I care about - I'm not losing my home because H is a moron.

[chatterbug]

Just remember that it is just 7 years to wipe clean your credit history ( well it is here where I live )

So you goal is

1. Keep House.

So work backwards and set up your plan to reach this goal.

[talia]

Hey Cutter,
I know about the time thing. By trade I'm a financial adviser, although going into business for myself before the economy crashed didn't really work out.

I'm comfortable with the consequences of bankruptcy - although I would like to avoid filing if I can. I just feel like its shirking my responsibilities a little bit. OH WELL - I'll do what ends up being best for me.

As far as the house, I'm meeting that goal already. There is very little H could do now to stop me from keeping it. If he pushes his luck he might just have to pay me for his portion of the negative equity

Its funny, I'm not worried about the legal side - I know I'll come out just fine with that part. There isn't anything H can do to hurt me there. I have almost no anxiety about that. Its the rest of this that is killing me. Losing H, being single, starting over, not having children when I want to, do I stick in Financial services or pursue my dream of law school......


Funny how my worries have changed!!


T

[chatterbug]

Thats good Talia. I am glad.

[Lotus]

Go to law school. this is a great time to make a change and pursue your dream. You will probably never have another chance if you don't take it now.

[talia]

Thank Lotus! I am really struggling with that decision. The idea of 4 more years and 100k in debt scares the crap out of me. But now WOULD be the time if I'm going to do it.

Lots of decisions over the next few months.... UGH.


T