Ok. So you set up a payment plan and get her to sign it. And make sure she sticks to it. Business transaction. If you cannot do this. Then you eat those losses. P.S. you never lend money to your spouse. You give it to them. As it is a shared pool. If this occurred when you were first separating. Then you did this to show what a good guy you are. Lesson learned. Never give money to a person who is walking away from you. Gifts do not work. lesson learned.
Now do you have any agreements in place for money right now? If not get one in writing. If you are giving her money. Stop. Start deducting it off the total you are owed.
Civil and nice. Always remain civil and nice. Unless there is a 100% disrespect. Then you can remain civil minus the nice.
For no matter what she is your wife. And you should show the position respect until either the person regains respect or all contact ends. Always do what is right. Even though it is a difficult path to take right now maynard. Forgiveness is more important for you. For if you never forgive. You will never be able to move forward.
So next time you bring up finances. Bring them up as a bank. State the problem, show the options and offer solutions. Then give her time to think and respond.
Either way you kill 2 birds with one stone. You need to document all this information anyways for the divorce. 2nd, you need to document all this information to prove to yourself ( and wife) that you did provide for her.
Your reading those books but are you taking notes
Dogs and dogs.... Do not use them as an excuse to talk R....
Keep turning the corner maynard. I think you are going to enjoy the next straight part.
Flowers always make people better, happier, and more helpful; they are sunshine, food and medicine for the soul. unconditional love is awesome!
It does- at this point we have such separate lives, I feel it may be important to let her know how I feel when I look back. She's rewritten our hx, maybe I should hold up a mirror.
I know that less is better- so maybe just ignore her being there, be on the phone w/ someone or be busy
Thanks Cutter- I've taken many notes, and the more I read about myself the more motivated I became to work on me.
I agree about the financial issues. Most of the loaning was done prior to M or even engagement!!! UNREAL.
You are right, I knew better than to lend money once she said she was done; I was reluctant and she threw a fit "you see- this is just like you!" And I do it, and there's not even a thanks. UGH!!
I will see if I can find a Promissary Note and have her sign it. I really can't believe this sitch, I have a feeling if we D it will be VERY MESSY
It will be messy if you let it be messy. It will be legal and binding if you want that. This is where civil and nice come into play. As well as respect.
A person can only punch you so many times before it becomes boring.
Flowers always make people better, happier, and more helpful; they are sunshine, food and medicine for the soul. unconditional love is awesome!
Found out lastnight that my Uncles cancer is stage 3 or 4, he was told that w/ or w/o treatment he has 1 year left.
I broke down, grandparents are about to die, my Uncle, his grandson (2yrs old) has some type of neurological disorder- cannot rollover.
Then there's me.
It's all alot to deal w/, in every situation there is not one thing that can be done but to accept things as they are and live the best you can.
W did not come over last night, she called and I spoke to her about her angry text reg money she owed. She was distant and cold, I was calm and matter of fact. She explained she thought that I had taken her watch- but she ended up finding it. I also mentioned my Uncle's condition- he is perhaps her biggest fan and she likes him best in my family.
She asked if I wanted to talk about it and I said no, but thanks for asking.
I GAL'd by taking my dog on a long walk and then returned to journaling and reading.
I wrote about what I brought to the table vs. what W brought to the table.
Unfortunately- either I am entering the WAS fog, or I am being completely honest- I could hardly think of anything W brought into our R- always distant, quiet, cold, judging, selfish, entitled, frigid, awkward, shy, depressed, and unloving.
Yet another friend of mine has mentioned how he and his W spoke to eachother about my W after we left. They said how dictant cold and un ineterested in other people she seemed. This now makes all of my friends in FL who have said something to that effect.
Some of the reading I did over the weekend suggest that sometimes we pick people to carry out a subconscious mission- in this case, I picked someone whom would inevitably reject me- and that rejection would confirm my sub-counscious core beliefs about myself- that I am unworthy and unlovable.
I don't know how much I believe that, but it could be possible.
Today I know differently- I am worthy of much more than I have been given and continue to get at this moment.
Not sure I am able to keep any love alive for W at this point. Curious if my not wanting to speak w/ her about my Uncle was the right thing to do. In a way I feel it is pointless to emotionally share anything w/ someone whom I can not even consider a friend at this point. Why would she be here for me now, and not ever again?
I would like to hear from Cutter, Puppy, and others on how to save some type of love for WAW- when there is absolutely nothing to love about her right now. I know I am not detached b/c I am experiencing anger and hostility- I know I will be OK when I feel indifference.
Not sure I am able to keep any love alive for W at this point.
Is that really necessary? You're busy working on you. When you're done with you THEN you can worry or think about the rest. Selfish I know... but it works.
Originally Posted By: maynard2121
Curious if my not wanting to speak w/ her about my Uncle was the right thing to do.
Yes. Because deep down inside you know the real reason behind this... you wanted her to comfort you, support you and hold your hand.
Originally Posted By: maynard2121
In a way I feel it is pointless to emotionally share anything w/ someone whom I can not even consider a friend at this point.
I see your LBS fog lifting.
Originally Posted By: maynard2121
Why would she be here for me now, and not ever again?
Your question answers your own questions. She's not and maybe she won't be. You can't live your life like that.
Originally Posted By: maynard2121
I would like to hear from Cutter, Puppy, and others on how to save some type of love for WAW- when there is absolutely nothing to love about her right now.
There is no way of "saving" it because it has already been saved and stored in your memory banks. When you need it, it will come back. Until then you move forward.
Originally Posted By: maynard2121
I know I am not detached b/c I am experiencing anger and hostility- I know I will be OK when I feel indifference.
I'm glad to see that you are becoming self-aware. Maynard I've seen you helping out on other people's threads and can see your growth. Good job. Stay away from the hostility, as for anger... it comes and goes. How you channel that anger is what makes the difference. Use it constructively to better yourself.
M:11 | T:12 | Status: Married 4C's of WAS communication: Cool, Calm, Collected and CONFIDENT
GNO- thanks- I was trying to find you as I thought you had given up on me- I know I tempted you a few times. I appreciate your drive-by- I too am seeing the haze lessen.
I'll tell ya R2C's 180 suggestion about helping others has been one of the best things I could have done- seeing my sitch from an outsiders perspective is paramount in trudging through the maze.
I think the anger will help me to get back to the gym religiously- it's the energy I've been missing for a while now.
