Lost, If you read the mlc resources, you will see that many of them have sickness throughout the crisis. Some of the sickness is very real and some of it is depression oriented. When they are this depressed, sickness tends to come front and center for them. As for work, it's going to take a long time for that "drive" to get back into gear to go back to work.
The only stable thing in his life is taking care of the finances for you the girls right now. Some of them continue to take care of the finances throughout the entire crisis. Sting (an old time poster) whose husband is still out there, continues to take care of her mortgage every month w/o fail.
I strongly urge you to take the time and read the mlc resources. The questions you have posed are all there in black and white and some of your "panic" will be soothed when you discover that all of what he is doing is very, very normal for his right now.
"snodderly"
Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to. The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
Reading the archives will settle the panic you are experiencing. No matter how hard you try to understand all about mlc, there will be traits that are specific to your h and his childhood. Everyone has seen many of the behaviors, but no two situations are the same. That's why I mentioned Sting's situation and what has transpired with the finances. It all depends up your h. However, you do have control over you and your children's lives while he's MIA. You will need to dig deeper for the strength and patience. It's going to be a long haul and you will need all of the strength you can find.
Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to. The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
The MLC resources are wonderful and the archives are very helpful.
When I was reading them, I found that starting with one poster and reading through their whole story helped. And one leads to another and so on…
Rereading them also helps on occasion. To find answers to questions you are asking here, to maybe glean something new from a post you have read four or five times.
I am not saying do nothing but read the archives, but definitely don’t just read them once. There is just too much information to absorb in one go over.
And as you grow and change, you may find that you respond differently or understand differently what you read compared to at the very beginning of this.
"Acceptance doesn't mean resignation. It means understanding that something is what it is and there's got to be a way through it."--Michael J. Fox
Its funny you say that because I have been starting to reread them again this past week. I am getting exactly what you are saying a different slant on things I already read once but this time I have more knowledge. Also a I can see as I move along in this process I am different than I was. So this is very wise advise that you have given!
i agree, i too have been re reading over this snowy weekend! some of it i can have a different take on this time around...
mostly about the differences between wah and mlc wah...
befor so many of the things listed in both seemed to have a way of fitting in...now i see the behaviors a bit more clearly and can separate the 2 a little bit more...they dont all run together anymore...
snodderly...sorry for shortening your name! no offense intended!
jack...thanks for filling me in on that!
me 39 h 38 kids 9 and 6 h left 8/9/09 loving and devoted wife and mother still going...10 months later...
I wanted to ask why THAT promise was the important one (financial), but I just left it alone. Over time, I have come to understand why that was the important one. Because it is the only way he knows how to show/act responsibly. It was what he was shown as a child.
OMG! You just gave me the answer to what I was wondering about my WAH... The *only* thing he has been consistent about is not touching the money in our joint accounts... everything else is full of lies and I can't rely on him for anything...
~ This Diamond now SHINES!! ;-p ~
My Sitch in MLC - http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Main=45253&Number=1901148#
Terms of endearment are signs of putting pressure on him. He doesn't want to hear them. I know you do not mean them as pressure, but to him, you are trying to suck him back into the relationship, i.e., it makes him feel guilt that he doesn't feel the same way towards you right now. So, try not to say honey, sweetie, I love you, etc. for now.
Follow his lead on conversations. Could the conversation question been something about the relationship, what he's doing with his life or about how you feel about something? Anything that touches on the relationship and you, will create this kind of reaction. Have conversations on safe topics, i.e., the children, weather, sports, etc....stay away from relationship conversations.
We caution everyone that comes here to tread lightly, follow their lead and no, absolutely no relationship talks when they are bouncing off the walls. If you haven't already done so, start visiting some of the other threads. They are going through some of the exact same things that you are experiencing. It's all normal for the mlcer.
Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to. The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
