Thinking about my last post...what if I keep messing up because I really am choosing to mess up?
I know the relationship with my ex was toxic at times...so what if I'm sub-consciously sabotaging "what works" to ensure that the relationship is dead and gone?
nsw, Think. Think! And don't answer me; answer yourself, with brutal honesty if you can muster it.
Originally Posted By: nsw1222
My ex was a mediocre mother to our daughter and mediocre partner to me...when she was loving times were good but when she was in full rage it was awful. She spent way too much time going out after work or even on her days off instead of taking care of the baby and our family/home. I'm ashamed(Why?) to admit it...but I am now recalling times when I was so put off by her neglectful attitude toward me and spending time with our family...that I may have eventally became a WAS.You probably did, emotionally. And who could blame you?
What possible -past, present, or potential future are you clinging to, staying for? Co-dependency? Shame (=inappropriate guilt)? Or masochism? Oh, and by the way,
Originally Posted By: nsw1222
I remeber thinking "If I can just hang on until D3 graduates high school...then I'll leave her." or "If I can just hang on til D3 graduates college...then I'll leave and D3 will still be ok.
I tried this "noble" approach for a few years in my first marriage to the shrew. It's not noble. Not even really well-intentioned, actually. It's martyrdom, pure and simple. And I hurt everyone - including myself - needlessly for a couple of extra years by doing it. fwiw.
Go dark. Period. Don't answer any calls or texts. If she calls around D's bedtime, click the phone on, hand it to D and hang it up as soon as D says, "goodnight/goodbye, Mommy."
If you really want to keep torturing yourself, go stand in the kitchen and whack your head with a frying pan every night. That'll get you the same result: Self-inflicted pain that you can put an end to but won't.
Go Dark. Good Luck.
Gardener
"My soul, be satisfied with flowers, With fruit, with weeds even; but gather them In the one garden you may call your own." Cyrano deBergerac
I am 20 years younger than you and do not see femininity going away...I see more women gaining financial independence, expecting men to know how to cook and share household duties...
Oh, yeah? Well, I'm twenty years older than you, always held open doors and car doors, did most of the cooking and a hell of a lot of "household" (read: roommate) duties! So there!
Gardener
"My soul, be satisfied with flowers, With fruit, with weeds even; but gather them In the one garden you may call your own." Cyrano deBergerac
My ex finally responded to my text at 8AM this morning.
She said she went out with her father and his g/f to watch the game and she didnt understand what my problem was. She wanted to know if I still wanted to do taxes today.
There were other messages sent back and forth between us that ended up mkaing me feel like an ass for making assumptions and made me end up offering to assume a caretaker role (codep.) but I dont have time to put them in now. D3 is really sick and we have to take her to the doctor. Say prayers that all will be well.
D3 is really sick and we have to take her to the doctor. Say prayers that all will be well.
My prayers for your daughter's recovery.
However:
Originally Posted By: nsw1222
My ex finally responded to my text at 8AM this morning.
Originally Posted By: nsw1222
There were other messages sent back and forth between us that ended up mkaing me feel like an ass for making assumptions and made me end up offering to assume a caretaker role (codep.)
I. Give. Up.
Gardener
"My soul, be satisfied with flowers, With fruit, with weeds even; but gather them In the one garden you may call your own." Cyrano deBergerac
I am - and I believe most men are - attracted to strong, confident women. For me, I look for that along with the increasingly-rare attribute - and gift - of femininity.
Originally Posted By: newmamaGardener
, thanks for answering my q! As for the statement above, I am 20 years younger than you and do not see femininity going away...I see more women gaining financial independence, expecting men to know how to cook and share household duties...
but women STILL want men to offer to pay for the date (although I suggest splitting it on the first few), open the door, call first, tell us we look pretty and be confident and strong!
Originally Posted By: Gardener
Oh, yeah? Well, I'm twenty years older than you, always held open doors and car doors, did most of the cooking and a hell of a lot of "household" (read: roommate) duties! So there!
I'm much closer to Gardener's age than newmama's, so maybe that's why I tend to agree with him, especially the way younger women seem to chase men. (BTW, I'm the opposite about paying for dates, first few he pays). How would you define this idea of "femininity"? Is it about opening doors, who asks & pays for dates, pulling your punches ?
She said "not to put this all on you but it didnt have to be like this and that you were the one who made it this way". I told her I didnt want to start the blame game. She said that she still didnt really have any solutions to make both of us happy and I told her that the only one I had she would probably not be comfortable with as it involved talking and spending quality time both as a family and as two friends. She said she needed time to think about it.
With the way she's done me lately that likely translates as "I dont want to make you cry like a little baby (which is really how she characterizes my feelings when I express them) so I'll take a few days before I tell you no". Either that or she has to consult with the OM to see if he's ok with it.
YOU HAVE BEEN DUMPED! IF anything you should be glad you arent legally married and do not have to sell your house to pay a lawyer who already has a nicer house than you for a divorce.
I think your wife/girfriend/ ex is just being nice to you right now and if you don't cut it out and move on gracefully and with a little self respect that her niceness is going to come to end soon.
In reality, and sorry if I sound like a one-trick pony, there does come a time when you need to quick working and worrying about your relationship problems and begin working on yourself as an individual. She has given you enough hints. Despite what you think, she has told you over and over how she feels and what she wants. Just because she is not saying what you want to hear does not mean she has never told you. She probably told you over and over during your relationship. You just didnt listen.
