What do YOU need? Do you feel you can feel safe in the relationship, knowing what you know and seeing what you've seen, without full transparency from her?
No I will not feel safe in the relationship without no contact and full transparency. Given that she has stated that she is not in a position to try, how can I set boundaries with such items.
You're misunderstanding what boundaries are.
Boundaries aren't about controlling the other person. They're not ultimatums. They're about YOU, and what YOU will (and won't) abide moving forward.
The best way I can answer that is that if you make it about HER, they will come across as "demands" and being "controlling."
If you make them about YOU, and what YOU need, then they are "boundaries of personal integrity."
Example:
"I forbid you to see OM" = CONTROLLING
"I can't live in an open marriage" = BOUNDARY
"You need to check in with me every day, and give me your cellphone bill!" = CONTROLLING
"In order to feel safe in our reconciliation, considering your recent affair, I need to know that you're no longer talking or texting him by having the cellphone bill come to me for awhile" = BOUNDARY
"You can't talk to me that way!" = CONTROLLING
"I like ME too much to allow myself to be spoken to so disrespectfully. Please come back when you've calmed down, and we can talk further." = BOUNDARY
Make sense?
It's also HOW you say it. It should come across as something you HATE to have to even ASK for, and that you'll COMPLETELY UNDERSTAND if she doesn't feel she can do it, but hey -- this is what I need right now. Let me know."
So the issue isn't what SHE is willing to do or not do at this point; the issue is about what YOUR core "N.U.T.S." are.
If you won't feel safe without a no-contact letter and a transparency plan from her, then you need to communicate that, and obviously you're going to FIRST need to communicate that you know all about her affair. What she chooses to then DO about it, is completely up to her -- you can't control her.
There is another way, although I wouldn't personally recommend it. If you REALLY think she is being sincere (I do not), then you could just maintain your own independent intel, and monitor the no-contact, as the two of you begin to SLOWLY reapproach each other and date and see where things go. Then if YOU turn up add'l contact, you can decide to confront and expose.
