Yes, LR, I was in IC today and it all resulted in learning negotiation skills. Learning how to be honest with myself with my feelings, and then how to honestly communicate them to H without a bun fight - panic - lashing out - whatever we call it. It all comes back to knowing ourselves and how we feel, what we can be around, what we can't. And yes, BOUNDARIES are in there too!
Just feeling really lucky that my H has moved away from the position of D, OW, and constant anger to MC, potential reconsiliation, open communication, and relaxed visits. I am just so grateful and happy.
H4L, it's so great to hear that things are going well right now. It really sounds like you are trying to make your changes permanent and not just fall into old ruts. I hope that your H continues to shift in the right direction.
me: 42 | STBXH: 41 | T: 18 | M: 10 | separation: Jan 3, 2010 | they deserve better: S7 & D4 current thread: http://tinyurl.com/3y8sxcp .: first breathe, then heal, then start LIVING :.
Sorry I got a virus on my computer and just got it back running now.
I don't know why but my H came back from his ski trip in a MISERABLE mood. Lashing out horribly - and after such an uplifting birthday last week! He spent 3/4 of our MC yelling and blowing up. Finally he calmed a little and could hear the MC say that I feel afraid of his anger. (I also was told H feels I never follow through so I can't be trusted - gotta work on that!) I just thought he got it when we got home he started in again. It's killing me not to know what's underneath it.
Will not tell me what is upsetting him so. So to protect myself and detach, I spent the evening GAL with my friend. When I came back he was calmer, but still admitted "a bunch of $hit" is stressing him out. ' I'm working so hard on not panicking, not mind reading. My first impulse is - what did I do now?! Stop blaming myself and assuming. If he's mad at me, he'll come out with it sooner or later. Of course, that's what I'm afraid of.
Hope, you wont help him or you if you let his mood upset you and start walking on eggshels. Stay cool and act as if. He will come out and talk to you if you give him time. K
Kalni! Thank you! I know you understand. I did stay cool and act as if! I detached too! I think it worked...he spoke with me in a much more pleasant tone before bed and even said good night to me. (We sleep in separate rooms when he is here). He has not initiated a good night since the bomb. It was one of my new goals.
So he's softening again a little I think. HOpefully he will come out of his shell and open up more eventually.
Echo Kalni you just need to keep calm and detach, most of all remember its not your problem its his and he is the only one that can fix it. What ever you do dont take it personally its not. Is amazing we think that showing we care would help but actually getting out of their way and given them time to focus on their problems gets them sorted quicker in their brains. My H has defunked after sunday and gone back to the norm..
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W 47 H 47 M 24 T 30
Once lost but now found and happily married again!
AGreed, ladies. What would I do without your reminders?
The tough part (the crucible?) is what if it is about me - or he tries to make it about me? This is when I need to hear what I want to change in me, and let the rest go. Worrying about how angry he is at me all the time (well less so now, anyhow walking on eggshells) is for me to work on. How he feels about me, or what he blames me for is not about me per se. If I can hear what I've done that bothers him, I can wither change, or stand up for myself in not changing. But the venting moods are his issue and I am working really hard today to not let it bring me down (as many of us are talking about on here lately).
I do have a newly won intuition that he does love me. You wouldn't know it from his actions sometimes, but if he hasn't divorced me yet and if he is in MC and if he still wears his wedding ring - and hey he said a pleasant good night to me last night! It is quite possible he still loves me and I"m holding onto that right now. I'm also holding on to if he doesn't love me that is ok - I will let him go. I will continue to work on not hating myself so much.
I guess I'm feeling better now that he turned his mood around last night. Still feels like walking on eggshells, but I'm working on not going so up and down with him.
I'm going to rehearsals this week for a new skit to be performed day after valentine's day (this is my way to distract self from all the VD expectations). Big deal as theatre is one thing I gave up b/c H felt I was living life too irresponsibly and around too many men and parties, etc. At first, I refused to give up this part of my life just b/c H said to - I wouldn't be ordered too. Then in Aug. I decided to have an introspective time of therapy and I joined this group and I wanted to just be home with S since daddy left.
Now I'm trying out my legs a little again - feeling nervous. Worried H will be suspicious and upset - again, not my issue to fix. But also wanting to keep my priorities on my self and my son. Wish me luck.
