- I said "I can understand you emotionally separated from me before you physically separated, and with that you may have been able to justify getting involved with someone else, is that the case?" ... she said "she has not and is not seeing anyone.
Blcccch.
Do you think she is going to tell you the truth if you structure your question in such a way as to give her a get-out-of-jail-free-card on the adultery?
Look, she may or may not still be having an affair with the guy. But ASKING her if she is, accomplishes NOTHING.
I give people this basis advice when they have as much evidence as you do: either get some GOOD intel, and prove the damned thing one way or another, or, ASSUME SHE IS HAVING AN AFFAIR, and proceed accordingly.
Those are the only two positions that work, in my experience. To take the position of "All the warning signs are there, but I'm going to ask her if she's cheating on me, and if she denies it, I'll believe her because she's nothing if not honest" is foolish, naive and dangerous.
